PALE SPECTRE

I was feeling really anxious / panicky on friday night and was supposed to go out with bf to a friends bday party so I took a xanax and then proceeded to have like 4 drinks and blacked out for the first time in my life and I don’t feel good about it at all. I’m scared about it. I wish after 15 years of this shit I had a better handle on controlling or dealing with my anxiety/ocd and I’m scared I never will. I’m scared to be truly ill/breakdown in front of bf or any partner for that matter. who would choose to stay with a bitch with panic disorder who can’t do anything

hiiiiiiiiiii

I let my curiousity get the better of me and lurked his IG today. Saw him posting a ton, which he never did with me. Saw his new girl. I’m fucked up over it. I don’t know where else to express myself. This is such pathetic behavior. Why does he get to do so well after all of this? What was he doing on my block with food he had picked up in the other direction on his “lunch break”? Why did he text me about rekindling things after he saw me if she’s so amazing? None of this is fair and I feel so sorry for myself and disgusted by myself at the same time. Maybe something is truly wrong with me. This is so pathetic. He said that people in my family get an idea in their heads and they stick with it even if it’s delusional. Maybe he’s right and I’m crazy. After all, he’s the one with the half a million dollar salary and brand new girlfriend and a million friends. Maybe he wins. Maybe I’ll end up alone and sad like my mom because I’m afraid of real intimacy. Maybe I’m fucked up for real.

me when I break up with my bf and then he dates someone else

dear diary woman moment regret dad past love family father figure boyfriend husband partner fulfill loss grief shame and guilt!<3

Crazy how animals will look past all your physical imperfections and just perceive your inherently benevolent soul

I miss him so much. What if I never get the love I need in this life? What if this loneliness and lack of love will be a defining feature?

I don’t feel any regret at all. Just grief and love and thankfulness. A little guilt too. I have hope that someday we will be reunited and aligned again in our feelings of gratitude to eachother.

feels not allowed or something but I still wear the diamond earrings he got me. it feels comforting, like proof that he loved me. makes me feel like I still carry him close (I do). grief is so strange!