kitsch bitch

i only come here to shout into the void when things are really bad.

so i’m just here to say: things are really bad.

right now, this is what i want:

a warm, cozy space where i belong. a sofa perfect for cuddling. i want to smoke with someone and cuddle afterwards while we watch something stupid. i want closeness.

i want to want to do things. i want motivation. i want to shake the heaviness from my shoulders, i want my head to be clear. i want to not feel like my belly is full of stones, anxiety tumbling then smooth.

is it so much to want stability? i don’t need to be happy, but i need to not be miserable. i just want my debt to disappear so i can actually live a life. i am so restricted and constrained right now. i can’t change things. i’ve tried.

and as much as i want cuddling and closeness and a connection with someone romantically, i’m terrified to let anyone into my life right now. because of debt, because of trust, because of self-confidence. so i’m going to continue being alone.

i’m going to continue going to bed as early as i can. i’m going to continue to self-soothe with weed and long drives. i’m going to continue being lonely and miserable for the time being because i cannot seem to find a way out.

the totally empty desire i have to actually take care of my health and well-being is astounding like if someone could just pass me a teeeeny bit of motivation i might not be an actual dumpster fire but that’s unlikely so like at least i’m a dumpster fire that takes her lithium i guess