This may just be my experience as an autistic person, but the kids Iโve nannied whose parentโs complain of โbad awful in cooperative selfish autistic behaviorโ areโฆ Not like that? At all?
Like, for example, I cared for a kid for a while who was nonverbal and didnโt like being touched. Around six years old? Their parent said that they were fussy and had a strict schedule, and that they had problems getting them to eat. Their last few nannies had quit out of frustration.
So, I showed up. And for the first little while, it was awkward. The kid didnโt know me, I didnโt know them, you know how it is. And for the firstโฆ Day and a half, maybe? I fucked up a few times.
I changed their diaper and they screamed at me. I put the TV off and they threw things. Not fun, but regular upset kid stuff.
Next time, I figured, hell, I wouldnโt like being manhandled and ordered around either. Who likes being physically lifted out of whatever it is theyโre doing and having their pants yanked off? Fucking few, thatโs who.
Next time, I go, โhey, kiddo. You need a new diaper?โ and check. โIโm gonna go grab a new one and get you clean, okay?โ โWanna find a spot to lay down?โ โAlright, almost done. Awesome job, thanks buddyโ.
I learned stuff about them. They liked a heads up before I did anything disruptive. They didnโt mind that I rattled of about nothing all day. They didnโt like grass or plastic touching their back. They were okay with carpets and towels. They liked pictionary, and the color yellow, and fish crackers, and painting. They didnโt look me in the face (which was never an issue- I hate that too, it fucking sucks) but I never had reason to believe that they were ignoring me.
Once I learned what I was doing wrong, everything was fine. Did they magically โโโbecome normalโโโ and start talking and laughing and hugging? No, but we had fun and had a good time and found a compromise between what I was comfortable with and what they were comfortable with. (For the record, I didnโt magically sailor-moon transform into a socially adept individual, either. In case anyone was wondering.)
I donโt like eye contact. Itโs distracting and painful and stresses me out.
They didnโt like eye contact either.
Is eye contact necessary to communication? No. So we just didnโt do it.
Was there ever a situation where I HAD to force them to drop everything and lay down on the lawn? No. So the thirty second warning came into play, and nobody died.
โBut they never talked!โ
No, they didnโt. And they didnโt know ASL, and they didnโt like being touched.
So you know what happened?
My third day in, they tugged on my shirt. โHey monkey, whatโs up?โ I asked. And they tugged me towards the kitchen. โoh, cool. You hungry?โ. They raised their hands in an โupโ gesture. โyou want up? Cool.โ and I lifted them up. They pointed to the fridge. I opened it. They grabbed a juice box out of the top shelf, and pushed the door closed again. โoh sweet, grape is the best. You are an individual of refined taste.โ I put them down and they went back to their room to play Legos.
โBut they didnโt say please or thank you!โ โBut you should be teaching them communication skills!โ โBut!โ Lalalalala.
1. The entire interaction was entirely considerate and polite. I was never made uncomfortable. I was made aware of the problem so that I could help them solve it. There was no mess, no tears, no bruises, no shouting.
2. Did my brain collapse into a thousand million fragments of shattered diamond dust out of sheer incomprehension? No? Then their communication skills were fine. Goal realized, solution found, objective complete. They found the most simple and painless way to communicate the situation and then did it.
Kids are not stupid. AUTISTIC kids are not stupid.
Iโm willing to bet real cash money that the real reason the last few nannies had quit had a million times more to do with their own ability to cope, not the kidโs.
To this day, that was the most relaxed and enjoyable job Iโve ever had.
And I know I donโt speak for everyone. All kids are different. All adults are different. But in my time and experience, pretty much 95% of all my difficulties with children come from ME not being understanding enough. Every single โproblem childโ Iโve worked with turned out to be a pretty cool person once I started figuring out how to put my ego aside and let them set the pace.
Again, not speaking universally, here. Iโm just saying. Sometimes social rules are bullshit, you know? People are people
