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I bring you home for the first time. You see this

I jump out of the window. Is it the ground floor? Is it the penthouse on a skyscraper? I don’t care, I already jumped.

I run to the window and look down at your lifeless corpse. A tear rolls down my cheek as I whisper, “what would we be doing if I were down there with you right now aha”

this is my favorite “clickbait about hackers” picture

me when i remember my password in my own mind

one round/action in D&D is 6 seconds so anything you could accomplish during a vine you could do during your turn

Rogue: “I’m back at it again at Krispy Kreme.”

DM: “Roll an acrobatics check.”

Fighter: I want to see my little boy

DM: roll a perception check

*nat 20*

DM: here he comes

bard: toss me my keys

*rolls a 1*

DM: i thought you said printer

Fairy: I still haven’t found my berries

DM: roll a perception check

*rolls a 9*

Fairy: BUT! *holds up an orange* I found this.

Druid: I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand.

DM: Roll an intimidation check.

*nat 20*

DM: Poseidon quivers before him!

Druid: Fuck off!

Dm: can you read this for us?

Fighter: rolls a nat 1

Fighter: what up im Jared im 19 and I never fuckin learned how to read

Fighter: It’s summer, I got my helm on backwards and it’s time to fuckin’ party.

DM: Roll for Dodge.

Fighter: *rolls a 1*

Fighter: *slams head into ye olde portcullis*

“I’m breathing in, the chemicals”

ANDY SAMBERG ph. by Peter Yang for Men’s Journal (2020)

“u know that feel when no gf” no actually i dont because im a MANLY MAN who plays SEVERAL sports am i right my fellow sportsmen

How did I wake up in the middle of the night with the funniest tweet idea and it was this

At night the beast sleeps

me: (farts right before leaving a store) my girlfriend: oh wait I want to look at this one last thing me: no we got to go right now