pictures goes from recent-> older; nov 2022->early 2021

yo so its been ages since my last post. was looking for my homesick blog and stumbled on here.

2017-2022

i went completely insane after my abusive ex, PTSD, CPTSD, MDD, SAD, GAD, DPDR, BPD and BP1 w/psychotic features got a death grip on me and i was spiraling down until i literally almost died in february 2020 after a week-long polydrug binge.

lots of....not proud moments, i became manipulative bc its all i ever knew.

my family has narcissistic dynamics i found out, and i was the scapegoat. bottom of the totem pole. only one step above the pets.

and i say was, bc i finally moved out and escaped my abusive family in july 2022, a few months ago. ive never felt more free in my life. i struggle a lot, but thankfully i live with one of my best friends as my roommate, and hes been helping me so much in my sudden transition from 25 years of abuse to suddenly being safe. it took me 1.5 month since i made the decision to move out since my friends roommate had just moved to then finding a job to support myself with, at a dog hotel! ive always wanted to work with dogs and man do i love this job, even if its stressful.

my 2nd day (i worked only overnights) i had to watch and help a 1 year old lab have grand mal seizures for 7 hours straight. my coworker thankfully had nepotism-tier connections in the company and was able to contact the right people to assist and tell us what we could do to help better. the dog had to get taken to an emergency vet and thank god the owners are rich and they sent a chauffeur to take him to the er.

its been months now and i work day shifts now too, though that had to be halted until i get accommodations bc long story short i got half fired for a reason no one told me and found out when i came into my shift and suddenly no longer worked there... which triggered my abandonment issues i realized, but in a whole new way. ive had panic attacks, meltdowns, etc. one happened at work and it was extremely embarrassing.

but im alright.

i found a good med for my BP1 that actually fucking works! been taking it religiously since february 2020.

anxiety from moving out has been killer though. im on gabapentin, buspar, and also klonopin (which is scary to have bc i heavily abused benzos, research chem benzos especially, during my spiral.) ive been able to keep ahold of the klonopin, limiting myself to the 2 a day that im prescribed. my psychiatrist agreed to it since its long-lasting so harder to abuse.

and now onto the klonopin effects. helps so much with focus! turns out i have adhd and my addict brain is the adhd brain that desperately seeks dopamine. the klonopin releases dopamine as a side to inhibiting gaba receptors, which is why benzos are so addictive, and my reward-seeking brain is satisfied, even with just having them on hand. it lasts 12 hrs in the body so its a lot easier to like. actually control my thoughts and actions.

ive also been going to group therapy for 4 years now. DBT therapy! it has worked wonders and i would not be here now if it wasnt for it. i also had a really amazing therapist for 3 years, but she movws onto a job at a nursing home. its been tough finding a good therapist since (oct 2020) but finally was assigned a decent one earlier this year. the other 2 before were dogshit lol. good ol public county health system.

what else, i went to the state psych ward 3 times. one in 2017, 2018, 2019. horrible horrible place.

my online best friend ghosted me while i was in there in 2018. still dont know why, but probably has to do w being so mentally ill. i assume. i just hooe shes doing ok. one other one was manipulative and long story short, it was back and forth toxic and he suicide baited over me sending him nudes 🙄 and he blocked me and never talked to him since.

after that in 2019, i was looking to make new friends, irl friends. one of my coworkers at the job i had then had mentioned he played dnd, and i worked up the courage to ask if he could teach me how to play. he agreed! i felt like if i didnt ask, i wouldve missed out on something amazing. and i now know i wouldve.

he introduced me to the most loving and accepting group of people i could have ever met. despite my difficulties, they were there for me. took me a whole 2 year dnd campaign to really be comfortable (mental illness and trust issues r awful but got through it.)

me and that friend dated for a while, but it became unhealthy since we ended up constantly triggering each others mental health issues so we broke up. dated for a year. glad it ended. hes still kne of my best friends completely and wholly. i still kinda struggle w him tho cuz hes an angy boi and anger triggers me. but eh im used to it. ik he cant help his anger bc of his own mental illness, so i love him regardless.

since that breakup, i started talking to others in the group so i wasnt just relying on him for support anymore. and now voila, 2 of em im super close with! one being my roommate, the other being one of the funniest and out of pocket mfs ive met lol. seriously on my level of memebrain and internet brain damage, so its a good fit lol. we have movie/ttrpg night ince a week. its great having actual friends for ince in my life. :) the whole friend group is amazing. we are all LGBT in some way, most of us are POC, we all come from similar upbringings, we all have weird personalities.

speaking of weird personalities, turns out im autistic too. it runs in the family and over the last couple years, have found i am very highly autistic, as in like. im the weirdest person one of my friends has met, and hes a social butterfly and has talked to hundreds of people on a casual level. my symptoms are on a spectrum of course, and now that im moved out i can REALLYYYYY see the symptoms and how disabled i am bc of them (and all the other shit i have...)

my roommate also has adhd/autism, and my other best friend is autistic too. i also got him to admit hes a furry after 3 years of suspicion lol. the ol furry hate->furry pipeline. my friend/ex has adhd too.

one of our friends is a pastor and hes probably the best human ive ever met. i still dont know why he hangs with us sinners! we are all freaks but he rolls with our freakishness with love. like talking with us about the logistics of horse cock in the middle of a restaurant-level of rolling with it lol.

since covid happened, the friend group has kinda dispersed into our own lives. our campaign after the 2year one was cut short bc we all got busy. :(

we're getting together for friendsgiving on dec 1st though. not everyone in the group will be able to come, but will be there in spirit of course. the date was actually centered around our pastor friend's days off, no hesitation or deliberating. my roommate describes him as the glue that holds the group together, and he really is! everyone loves him so much.

i think thats it? i dont want to talk about my worst mental illness times bc im past that and am now safe. i can be myself and not be afraid to trust and love and be who i am regardless of how strange i am, and with the knowledge that i wont get left behind. i dont have to be that person i was, a person i hated that i became. a person in constant suffering so much that i would abuse drugs to the point of blacking out for days. now, i dont abuse drugs anymore. i have all the happiness and safety and love i need in sobriety and moderation. i want to be here and be alive for my friends, and now for myself. im struggling in a shitty apartment with roaches and holes in the walls and floor, with shitty electricity and water that goes out sometimes. but goddamn it i feel so much more alive and so much more free here. i wouldnt trade it for anything right now. the future is bright, though sometimes it doesnt feel like it bc of CPTSD mainly. but ive taken a sharp turn and a new leaf from the life path of misery and death i was on for 25 years. im completely out of my comfort zone and im struggling adjusting, but i have the support i need to get by. i love my friends. happy thanksgiving!

ps- gained a bunch of weight which kinda sucks but it evened out my facial features and im like thicc with an hourglass figure so its aiight lol.

pps- also decided to start dying my hair different colors! did pink+purple, blue, and now green! :3

anyway to lighten the mood of the title of my last post this been me this past year i can finally express my goth/dark/alt fashion and makeup taste... my makeup skills have gotten lots better but i always use black and red uy7hfd

and i still love N

update: tw// rape; sexual abuse; physical, emotional, psychological, verbal abuse; gaslighting; fat shaming; slut shaming

ok sooooo my boyfriend ended up cheating on me about a month ago. i found out a couple weeks ago and its been hard. i loved him so much, i gave him everything, he was number 1 in my eyes, he was my world. but i was too much of a hassle to pick up and/or take home so i was inconvenient to him despite everything i put into him. so he decided to go for a random slut who paid for ubers for him to go to her house. today, april 1st, is my birthday and our would-be first anniversary. he couldnt even make it to a full year. im a very forgiving person, but i wont forgive him immediately. i love him for who he is, but his actions and mindset right now are detrimental to every aspect of his life. hes going down a bad road. but i have hope in him, im the only one that does somehow even though im the one he hurt the most. i want him to prove himself worthy of forgiveness, step his game up, get another job (he lost it bc he cant wake himself up for shit,) just.... prove hes responsible enough and that im worth the time and effort itd take to change his lifestyle and mindset. i love him for who he is, his personality cant change, but i know he can be better in things he CAN change like his mindset and lifestyle. not be a lazy bum. i dont know. i just wanted to update rn. i still need to talk to him about a few things. i want to see him sunday to get everything i need to say off my chest. we met last tuesday but it was useless bc he lied to me about basically every important thing i needed to ask. hes been spamming my friend too. so i think he wants to talk to me too. i might unblock him today and ask why hes being such an autist with her. then take the opportunity to tell him to come tomorrow to bring the remainder of my belingings and to talk.

wait i wanna find a good one im on mobile

ok last one actually goobye fatties see u in another half year

nd heres me now im gone again hehehhe

i m embarrassed at my osomatsusan posts but i cant be botherd to delet it fat

im scared

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ok im gone again c ya