!!!!!!!!

Dante’s Inferno is the best piece of classical poetry because it’s the most petty thing you will ever read. Half of Hell is mythological or historical figures and the other half is Dante’s enemies. So the whole thing is like “I am Medea, who slew her own child to spite her husband.” “And I am Francisco di Vincezzino Fabriccia, who gets very talented and handsome poets kicked out of Florence, but I’m very sorry for it now because I’m burning in Hell and I suck.”

I feel I should add that because it was the Middle Ages and literacy was next to non-existent, poets made their money by reciting their poems in public. And The Divine Comedy is written in the first person. So the way this was originally presented was Dante himself standing on a stage and saying “so then me and my best friend Virgil went to the circle of whiny bitches and we saw Giovanni Petucci getting eaten by a giant dog, because he’s a bitch, and he was all “ah help me Dante I’m so sorry I thought the Holy Roman Emperor was better than the Pope, you were right about everything”, and then Virgil –again whom I’m extremely close with– said it was too late for him.”

fill your body with cranberries so the horse that kills you gets a sensual surprise when he begins to feed

i will give the  horse that kills me no such luxury

Me when I pspspspspsps at a cat on the street and it just walks away

small child: [absolutely incomprehensible gibberish]

me:

small child: [absolutely incomprehensible gibberish]

me:

Okay so I’m watching my friend’s cats while she’s away and she left me descriptions so I could tell who’s who

They’re pretty accurate 

oh god why is this me lol help

I’m so glad this came back into my life

ahahahahahahah omg 

If “Hozier” and “Florence + the machine” ever did a collab, it would be so dangerous to listen to anywhere apart from the middle of a forest, as moss would just start appearing around you, and branches would just grow from any surface you looked at

my favorite thing about this post is the quotations because they imply that these two are something other than what they tell us and that’s exactly what ageless dieties of the forests would do

i go to the dmv to pick up my id and they hand me this:

bored. might levitate just because

if she’s your girl why’s she standing in a red jumpsuit holding scissors in MY driveway

Brooklyn Nine-Nine s03e16

Context: they ate the candy from the gift basket, not realizing it was for the Captain from his husband and then filled it up with shit they hoped he’d like.

when friends talk to me about their men

is matt mercer fucking ok

Wait they have a mansion?

That was likely right after Scientology bought half the company.

Excuse me

nothing makes me more nervous than my bus taking a different route then it normally does like???? where are u taking me

me: I’m the king of public transportation, a ghoul haunting the streets that run like veins through this city-

the bus: turns left where it normally goes straight

me: I am naked and alone in this universe and no one is watching over me

Aquarians are proof that astrology is real coz there’s no other reason that they act like…. that