I live by faded memories

I actually think I'm doing so much better then when I was a bit younger even know I have been struggling. My self harm still exists but not nearly as much and I ahardly ever feel the need to compare depth with other people now I just see it as pain. On both sides. My mind was so twisted and it still is but im happy to realize some things have really changed

Its been so long since I have really been on here. I'm emberessed with the state of the posts I had and my life but at the same time some time has passed. I tried making aother blog in may or earlier who knows and I only just remembered I made a new email. It is hard for me to rememeber my old tumblr accounts too. 

I don't even know if the people I use to talk to are still around here really. But I'm still alive and actually inpatient currently so life is fun but I am really trying to be positive considering what brought me in here. 

I miss writing nonesense that no one had to read just for fun but I wont be coming back to this blog and I don't even know if i'll continue with the new blog. But I remeber enjoying this website before I stopped talking to people online completely lol

I'm torn trying to clean up my life in person and online. Too many accounts too many mistakes to clean. I have so many email accounts and alts and I'm not sure what I was hiding from. Just tried to keep my internet self and real emails separate as ofcourse these were all private accounts (I stop using accounts after telling people in the hospitables or groups I went to the usernames. So stressful cleaning this stuff up lol. It doesn't help how many old accounts I should have deleted on other websites I have. Just need to clean things up before I can start again

I almost messed up the other day. But it made me realize I need to move on with my life. I can't kill myself. Because I don't want to most of the time. I'm trying My suicide dates are coming full blast. I've made it past two and I know I can make it past more. I didn't give myself a chance to live. I made suicide dates three years in advanced. And now when the day comes I've been giving them new meaning. Positive meaning. Being outdoors and alone

I am going to leave this account behind. I'd make a new tumblr again. And im not deleting this account. I'm planning on moving out from home to live alone and until then I don't think I can come on much anyway. I want to start a more *me tumblr* now that I'm learning what I truly enjoy in life.

I have found the ground. I am truly trying to move forward and I already started. I can't explain all the good that's happened lately but I needed it. More than anything. For the last months to happen

I have so many questions. I can't locate what they are. Swirling in the back of my mind. I'm not sure if the answers exist. We live and die and what is the point. I don't see why we strive for all the same. I won't feel bad if I'm under society's expectations. because I will die. My life ends with me. I'm bothered. Does true independence even exist? Strip away the set course and where does it leave me? Nothing needs to be set in stone. The paths change. The worst part is knowing my own life is not defined. I need to make my own decisions. Rely on myself and forget the world. There's more than one way to do things. And I believe in the alternatives. Nothing is permanent. Everything can change in a second. If I focus on myself. And love myself hopefully the disasters !ife throws at me will be meaningful. Life is shitty. Experience is valuable. I don't want to be anyone else.

I go back and forth. My thoughts have me wondering if I'm really serious. I've been struggling a bit but still I'm overall pretty OK. I don't know what will come next. I'm happy for the moments. I'm trying to be good with myself. I don't want to feel pain. I'm afraid that I'll never figure out why life seems so meaningless to me. That even know I'm trying I won't ever fully feel like I owe myself to continue. I know I can live and experience. I know I can still enjoy. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

I feel as if I need to reprocess what this last year has brought to my life. This year was fucking awful. And yet so important to me. I do believe there's so much to learn from a bit of insanity. I know that I don't want to be who I was before i got depressed. Because to me that person doesn't exist. Except in vague memories. I'm the same person but living by different perspectives, different rules and different ideas. I guess that comes with getting older. (Or drugs) but I am getting older and I acknowledge that maybe this is just the way a portion of my life is but I can do or experience anything. Being depressed has taught me that a lot more matters then physical objects and money. It's taught me that I can learn from everyone and every experience. Bad stuff will always happen. But I know I'm truly optimistic. I want to make the most out of whatever I have. I know it is easy to fall back down but I'm reminding myself that right now is the time to be me, to exist naturally, I'm willing to enjoy the nonsense because life is just a set path from birth to death and it won't always go the way I want but it will continue. And with enough time I hope I can let go of what brings me down. I do fear I'll always be attached to the past. The past that doesn't even exist yet. I want to enjoy life in the simplest ways. I appreciate the bad times as long as they stay away. I get to choose what I expose myself to. I can do whatever I'm willing and dedicated to do. I want to find new joys. I want to learn what I'm capable of. I'm a constant in my life. I'll live until I die. I want to take care of myself. I don't want to hurt myself. And I absolutely don't want to be my own bully no more.

I am going to be okay. I feel pretty badly but yet I don't. Or atleast I don't want to self harm. I mess up still but its been easier not to. I got to be careful with myself.

Today has been weird for me. I'm not even sure how it happened.