@bennich-darkfall

Saying Goodbye

It’s been said that if you love someone you should set them free, but the words never meant anything to me until recently.  I had always been under the impression that if you loved someone you held them tight and never let them go; but when the hold you have on someone becomes the method for which they begin to lose themselves, the person you love simply becomes your prisoner.

Perhaps we fear the loss of familiarity or our sense of security, making us forget that our loved ones suffer for our fears of being alone; our own self preservation causing us to instinctively hold tight to the person we love, the idea that losing them would be the death of us, blinding us to the fact that keeping them in turn is killing them instead.  

After some thoughtful reflection and endless hours of contemplation it’s clear to me that it is time for Benn and I to part ways.  Benn is dying; not literally, but figuratively.  I can see the pain he suffers in his eyes each time I return home from an excruciatingly long day at work.  There are times I don’t return at all, opting to sleep on the couch in my office, rather than disturb him in the middle of the night.  On the days that I am home early I have no desire to go out again, and often leave him to attend his social affairs on his own.  He is literally alone in our relationship, as I can not give him the time he needs and deserves, 

I am regretful that my loyalties to Xarriel and Sub Rosa have occupied my time in such a way that I am unable to give myself completely to the man I love; undoubtedly that regret will only grow overtime until it consumes me, but it is the choice that I made and one that I will be forced to live with.   

Being apart from Benn will certainly be the death of me, but for Benn I would die willingly, so that he can be happy and free. 

@bennich-darkfall

When you love someone their happiness is your happiness, you are fulfilled by the fact that they are content, your desires come second to their own, and you sacrifice your comfort for the sake of theirs; at least that’s what I believe love to be. 

Benn enjoys the company of other men outside of our relationship; that’s ok with me, because it makes him happy.  I share with the world the one person I cherish above anything else, because I love him enough to see his personal desires fulfilled, even at the expense of my own comfort.   

It’s not an easy thing to know you aren’t enough for the person you love, to know they are not content to only be with you.  It is an uncomfortable feeling when you watch them primp and prep to go out, knowing full well they are primping and prepping for the benefit of someone else.  

Worse than watching him prepare to leave is being asked to come with him.  As if I am not socially awkward enough, he asks me to come along and meet these people he spends time with, the people with who I share him with.  I feel like a fool in the presence of men who have taken Benn to bed while I waited up for him at home.  

I imagine the smugness their faces might portray, undoubtedly a reflection of how they feel about me, perhaps thinking to themselves that I am not man enough to keep Benn satisfied.  They must think I am weak, too weak to tell Benn to stay at home, though on the contrary I am strong.  

It takes strength and security to allow the love of your life to take on the company of others; though I only wish I were so secure.  

More and more he spends time with others and I find myself wondering when he will meet the man who takes him away from me.  Perhaps Benn isn’t meant to be married to me, perhaps he would be the happiest if I set him free. 

@bennich-darkfall