Story telling a traumatic experience that happened nearly 30 years ago, laughing, crying... trying to figure out if I'm crying bc I'm laughing so hard, or because I'm still feeling the trauma of it. Then again, am I laughing because it is genuinely funny in the satirical sense, retrospectively speaking... or because that's how I mellow the blow?

Ah, fuck

I thought I was too old for feelings.

I fucking hate when you think a man is a good person, then they cross a line and blame you for it and treat you like shit.

I could lose anyone in the world, Lord knows I have.. but I can't lose you. I've lost my best friend, my parents, my family, my home, and even my sanity. I've lost classmates and neighbors, playmates, and colleagues; but I can't lose you.

I thank God for all the blessings he has given me most of all, You; just the same as I have learned to thank God for all the challenges he gives to me.

I can't even THINK about losing you without realizing it would be the end of me. I have survived the deaths of nearly every person I have ever been close to, but you are my world. My air. My everything. You are the essence to my life. Without you, I most surely will die. I won't bear a second of this life without you. I will die of a broken heart before I have the opportunity to stop it myself. I have faith that God will do me that.

The day, the moment you were conceived, I leaned over into your father's ear and whispered of your budding existence finally coming to life. He laughed. Said I couldn't possibly know that. I knew. The following days and weeks that passed, I knew. My body changed and I knew. My best friend asked how I knew and I told her I just did. Eventually I took a test to appease the inquiring. Not to my surprise, your evidence showed.

As you grew, I felt you, although my doctor would say it was gas.. but I knew. We had a connection I will never forget. We knew each other inside and out. I knew exactly when and where and how you would kick and stretch and squirm.. every. Single. Time. It was never a surprise. You and I were one. We were always one.

I had dreams of you before you arrived. I knew who you were and what you looked like. And if I'm honest, you did not disappoint. You are exactly what I envisioned, everything I've ever wanted. You are truly my best friend, my whole world. My everything. I'd rather be with you in the worst conditions than with anyone else in the best. You make me whole. Complete. Myself.

I have known you my whole life just as you have known me yours.

When you were a baby, I'd stay up all hours of the night... just watching you. I cried when you were born, I had never been so happy. The moment I finally get to see you with my eyes. Hold you with my arms. We had our own secret language since before you arrived, and even though we don't use it as much anymore, I will always remember it was there.

I pray to God that he won't ever make me live a moment without you. My soul has been through much. But nothing could brace me for that. I would choose you over the world, no question, no hesitation. I want you and only you, forever.

My biggest problem appears to be my never ending search to be addicted to something, and then being addicted to it.

My whole childhood was filled with undiagnosed, untreated, unacknowledged conditions that amplified my perception of an already terrible situation or two. I look back on it now, in what others are calling some middle aged newfound wisdom, whatever that means... and I'm wondering, truly wondering, how much of it was real?

Growing up, I unknowingly suffered from borderline personality disorder, dissociation, hallucinations, ADD, and a crippling amount of depression and anxiety. Everything was fast paced and either the best day of my life or seemingly the last. I never knew what tomorrow would bring, let alone if I would even see it at all. Despite that, I wasn't scared of my own mortality, in fact, I reveled in it. I valued it. It was a constant reminder on my darker days that there was a way out, my only calming solace. My silver lining.

By the time I realized there was something wrong with me.. specifically, and not just the dangers I had been subjected to... my perception of reality was so twisted and distorted that I honestly couldn't tell reality from fantasy. I couldn't piece together what really happened and what didn't happen, who was real and who wasn't real. What words were said and what words only imagined.

Through the mess and confusion, I hurt a lot of people. I lost a lot of people. Some relationships ended because of it, and the worst part is... I will never know why. I will never know what I did. Yet, I do it again and again. How do I explain that whatever happened, whatever I did.. wasn't me? Does it matter? I've had some of the world's greatest people by my side, and somewhere along the lines I did something to fuck it all up and lost all of them forever.

My father died spring of last year. Initially, there were a lot of mixed feelings. I've been working on building a relationship with him for a long time. I've been working on healing and forgiveness. I've been working on it a lot. I wasn't done healing. I hadn't yet forgave. I feel like him leaving had robbed me of the goal I had been working so hard towards for so long. I was angry. Backtracking in all my progress and all my successes. Then, almost without warning, I forgive him. Something I could never do in life. Again, I was angry. Upset that I couldn't achieve this at a time we could both enjoy together.

I think about him everyday, now. Before, he was lucky if I thought of him more than once a season. Now I crave his company all the time, miss him every morning. Cry... every time. I have no photos of him, no adult memories, no anything. I feel constantly robbed each time I think of him. It feels like he's been gone forever and like it was yesterday all at the same time. I can't explain it. And with all this grief and confusion... I feel a new me emerging. A new sense of clarity I never had before. Suddenly I feel alone.

You see, my father knew he did me wrong as a child. He knew I was scared of him, scarred by him, haunted by him. He tried, he really tried to get me to forgive him. He did everything but acknowledge what he did, everything but apologize. I often wondered if the gift buying cleared his conscience. If he thought that he was buying my forgiveness, my affection, my love. In my adult life, he was kind and gentle, sweet and caring. All the things I had wanted as a child. But by then, my perception of reality was already set in stone. It kills me that I was not able to change that in time.

I pushed everyone away. Everyone was a threat or an enemy. And now, I'm alone. And it hurts, and I'm scared. I'm too old to be alone. I always hear young people griping on and on about "how old" they are, like it's some sort of psychological game... I've never truly felt old until this year. It's not a flattering emotion. I want to say something dramatic and played out like, "I've never been alone before" or something of the like, but I'm sure that's not true... I just can't emphasize enough how lonely I've been feeling since my latest losses.

I'm having a really hard time, lately.

Anybody out there?

Just looking to talk, maybe vent a little.

Thanks.

I've realized that everything is give and take. And given what I have, I'll take what I can.

Forget surviving; I want to thrive.

In love and war

All is not fair. War has rules, and so does Love. Do you really want to find yourself a criminal of one or the other? As someone who's found themselves on the less fortunate side of that battle more times than I care to admit, it's astonishing that I was so short-sighted about it, even if only for a moment.

You don't know it, but I am sorry.

To have feelings again, like a person I've known before. To think I've grown out of feelings after so many years gone without feeling much of anything. Stuffing things into this void to distract me from my loneliness. Only to realize that I am still lonely. No amount of void-stuffing can or will change that. I need something to take the void, not fill it.

Can you fill a void? Or is it an ever-hungry vortex of perpetual swallowing? When there is nothing left to take, I fear it may take me too. I've been taken by other voids. Swallowed whole. Never to see the light again. Emerging a new version. Similar, yet different tricks. Rougher edges, sharper tongue, quieter fingers, smaller breaths. Pros, cons. Less hurt, different hurts. Less feelings, different feelings. ...Less feelings. Always Less, like I am slowly losing the ability to regenerate that part of my human form.

I thought I found my void-killer. Small smiles when nobody is looking. Happy flutters like I were a child. It felt nice. I enjoyed it. Craved it, like a child craves sugar. But now I face other factors. Is it true what they say? Is all fair in love and war? Because nothing feels fair about this at all.

I want to feel feelings.

I want to feel love.

A dime today or a dollar tomorrow

Don't ever put up with people who don't respect you, there is nobody in your life that you NEED in your life. Remember that.

Sure, stepping outside of your comfort zone may be hard right now, but it could be all you need to make tomorrow that much better. Maybe it's not convenient right now, but when is change EVER convenient? Making hard decisions now is what's going to make life easier tomorrow. And isn't that what you really want? To take the edge off, stress a little less, wake up a little easier, smile just a tiny bit more for just a moment longer... tiny steps turn into bug steps.

My current battle is recognizing my triggers, being aware of how things make me feel in the moment. Stopping to actually say to myself, "wow, that wasn't nice" or "I don't appreciate that", then letting them know how their words and actions make me feel. I am working on shutting down the gas light. Making them aware that I know. In contrast, I am also working on acknowledging when people do things I DO like! Telling people thank you love often, smiling more often, complimenting more often, letting people know little thoughts that pass in my mind. "I like your shoes" "your smile is beautiful" "thank you for your kindness".

Communication is so important, and in this day and age, we are more at risk than ever of losing that core value of our society. Communicate with each other. Smile. Talk! Let them know how you feel, even if it is not easy.

I have recently learned that sometimes, people may truly not know that how they are behaving is wrong, unacceptable, inappropriate, rude.. some people are genuinely ignorant to how their words and actions affect those sound them. Grown adults. Some of them make it 30, 40, 50 years plus with nobody ever telling them. So do your friends and neighbors a favor.. tell them. Seriously. Tell them.