Students of Professor Joshua Chen’s speech class have come to the conclusion that Professor Chen is officially sweaty enough to make class weird. According to student accounts it is mostly because even on days that require a minimum of four layers to stay warm, he still comes through looking like he just ran a marathon through Death Valley in the middle of July.
“The worst part is that when you’re talking to him you know that you both are thinking about it,” explained sophomore Lucy Campbell while attempting to get the imagery of her professor’s sweat stains, which she swears she once saw the face of the Virgin Mary in, out of her mind. “It’s impossible to ignore the shame and embarrassment in his eyes. It reminds me of my father.”
At a Bush campaign stop in Nashua, New Hampshire last night, a nearby horse broke its leg under the heavy weight of the silence following what has not been described as a rousing speech by Jeb(!). The Bush supporters in attendance both noted that as the horse was being taken behind the barn, Jeb(!) began to sweat profusely, opening his mouth and closing it again as he furrowed his brow and reportedly tilted his head to the left in confusion.
“I… I can’t say exactly why I froze up like that. I thought the speech was going great. I feel like in a few seconds either of the audience members could have started clapping. Even without me asking,” said Governor Bush as he sat in the back of his campaign bus, clutching a stuffed elephant from his youth and staring intensely out the window. “By the way, that horse, the leg could have healed, right? There was still time. That horse was a thoroughbred, not some Scott Walker type.”
Once-proud literature professor Dr. Tom Villanueva is now considering a new career path after calling on student Rachel Lake, only to discover she was actually “just stretching.” Such embarrassment has plagued educators since the beginning of time, but Dr. Villanueva vows it will not happen again, not to him.
“This is worse than my divorce. At least I knew my wife was a liar. I wasn’t tricked every time like with these damn kids waving their arms around like the inflatables outside a car dealership. I may have my PhD but I no longer have my integrity,” said Villanueva before zipping a hoodie all the way up and pulling the strings till everything was covered but his sunglasses. Muffled, he continued. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me continuously throughout my career and all other educators’ lives, shame on…I don’t really know who to blame. My ex-wife I guess? Oh and let’s throw in all eight women who didn’t message me back on eHarmony last night for good measure. Fuck them.”
As any true American knows, one of the finest features of the land of the free was demonstrated this morning, when early stages of this nation’s fate were decided. However, this year was slightly different. Millions of individuals from either side of the argument came together to determine the outcome of this crucial day in American history, and the decision came down to the wire. It was then that precinct volunteers employed the most sacred of democratic rituals, the coin toss, to determine that the star of 2016, Punxsutawney Phil, did not see his shadow.
“That seems pretty fair to me,” said Martin ‘He Has Abs of Steel, but is He Ready to Lead?’ O’Malley as he wandered around an Iowa gymnasium, banking on his aides turning him before he ran into a wall. “Honestly, I’m not sure how any of this works. I just came because my mom said that win or lose, we could get ice cream after.”
While most, like O’Malley, are unsure why one of the most technologically advanced nations in the world still determines anything by a rodent seeing its shadow or by recording votes on scraps of paper in popcorn containers, and when that doesn’t work resorting to a coin toss, some are thrilled. Read more.
Gemini: Hoverboard Explosions
Gemini people have many sides to them. Although they seem put-together and helpful, DO NOT BE FOOLED. Geminis are the most devious, unreliable and flighty of them all. It’s like, you think your new present from the holidays is just an edgy, alternative way to get to class. Beep. Boop. Before you know it, you’re realizing you asked your Aunt Gertrude to buy you an actual $400 explosion device. Congratulations, you played yourself.
Pisces: Pulling Long Hairs Out of Your Butt in the Shower
Pisces is the sign of the unknown and mystic. Somehow, they have an intuitive ability to know when there is a long piece of hair in their butt. They pull it out in the shower to avoid the reality of struggle and suffering in the world.
Local it girl Cassie Worthington and her friend group, which she refers to as her “Taylor Swift squad,” came up with the groundbreaking idea to throw a party in which people celebrate wearing ugly sweaters and avoid calling them “Cosby Sweaters,” a term inspired by a person that most people do not want to be associated with as of late.
Cassie is pretty much known for her revolutionary party themes and costumes. Who could forget her senior year of high school ‘ABC’ party or her every-year-since-she-started-college Risky Business Halloween costume. “I wouldn’t say I’m a trendsetter or anything,” clarified Worthington as she Instagramed a picture of her Forever 21 ‘I like my coffee black like my soul’ t-shirt. “I just know about a lot of quirky and obscure concepts, like irony.”
Starting off strong, sophomore Lewis Anderson began preparing for his final exams by getting a head start on his inevitable breakdown. Rather than trying to avoid it, Anderson decided to dive in headfirst by spending his Tuesday morning laying in his bathtub and crying into a lukewarm Hot Pocket.
“I realized that there was no way for me to avoid it,” articulated Anderson to a classroom of students all wearing grey sweatpants and oversized sweatshirts stained with Cheeto dust. “That’s where Finals Prep Week comes in. Get all your crying and existential crises out of the way now, and you’ll be as ‘refreshed’ as one can possibly be, come the real finals week.”
In another instance of privileged people wilding since the dawn of time, unofficial White Student Union Facebook pages have been surfacing across the World White Web this month. Apparently unsatisfied that only 95% of history course content focuses on the plight of white, some paler-looking students have been voicing concerns about representation at their Predominantly White Institutions, forgetting that their entire university is, at its core, a White Student Union.
In the wake of the tragic terrorist attacks in Paris, the French Red Cross is refuting the overwhelmingly popular consensus that putting filters on profile pictures or tweeting about how sad you are about the tragedy with the hashtag “#PrayForParis” actually helps support Parisians in need.
Despite the seemingly obvious fact that clicking a button will not bring back lives lost, offer shelter to those displaced from their homes or do anything other than serve one’s own ego and conscience, “concerned” individuals across the country remain convinced that they have done their part. “I’m truly devastated by what I’ve seen on the news,” said junior Jessica Sturbridge, trying to figure out which croissant photo on her phone best conveyed mourning. “That’s why I’ve spent most of this weekend going through my Paris photos and finding potential #TBTs, prints for my apartment and fillers for my ‘je t’aime’ photo frame. Wait, what were we talking about again?”
Despite overarching, seemingly obvious evidence that granting people more access to firearms increases the chance of being shot, as well as a less-than-year-old shooting on the FSU campus, the Florida Senate and House of Representatives are well on their way to voting in favor of HB 4001, more cutely known as campus carry. If the bill passes,guns will have a place on school supplies lists across Florida, right under actual useful and appropriate things for expanding one’s education. “Wait what? That’s insane. I’m totally against that,” said sophomore engineering major Clint Davidson, adding a Ready for Hillary bumper sticker to his car and ‘Activist/feminist’ to his Tinder bio. “Hang on, did you just say the hearings are at 8 AM? Sorry, no can do. I’ll totally like any Facebook page for the cause, but waking up that early on a probable hangover? That would be even more insane than the idea that more weapons will somehow make a high-stress environment safer.” Read more.