FINAL WARNING (WORKING TITLE)

I’ve written the first chapter of a novel, if you think I should write chapter two reblog this .

CHAPTER ONE

Gavin caught his reflection in the mirror as he was leaving his flat. He didn’t like to look at himself for too long as, when he really looked at himself, it brought back all the memories of the mistakes he had made, the bad choices, the people he should have lost contact with years ago. He kept these thoughts locked away the best he could, but the sight of his flabby belly and bland face unlocked all those memories and implicated him at the scene of those crimes. If he didn’t look at himself then maybe they didn’t happen, it was someone else, another person’s life ruined, not his.

Despite this knowledge, sometimes he couldn’t help himself. He’d get trapped in his own reflection, lost in the horror. People could only dream of an unrestricted view of a travesty like this. What was this person doing with their life? Why hadn’t they washed the food stains out of their clothes? How could someone this gormless be walking around unaided by a carer? Here he was, with unlimited access. So why not have a good look? Once, he caught himself in the mirror while eating, a sight so depressing that it had prompted him to move out of home and get a job. Sometimes he looked at himself hoping that the same spark that had forced him to do that would reignite and force him into a more positive choice to get things back on track. But the spark had clearly gone out. Five years ago there was kindling but that had been replaced with a damp squib. The best policy was to just not look anymore. Pretend it wasn’t happening. Out of sight, out of mind.

It was things like this, staring at himself in the mirror for too long, that made him late for work. Obviously he could never tell his colleagues this... “Sorry I’m late, I caught my reflection in the mirror when I was leaving and got trapped in a cycle of negative thought patterns.” They’d try and help him. It was bad enough the damage he’d done to his own life, why risk other casualties? Punctuality was a problem. The deep rumination happened infrequently (during the working week) but there were other things. An inferiority complex he didn’t even deserve, a job where he just spends the money on junk food and white goods, and the lack of motivation to get out of bed in the morning. It looked easy enough and he could do it most of the time, but every day? For the rest of his life? That thought alone was enough to make you never get out of bed again. How did people do it every day? What did they have to live for? Bed was sanctuary. Life was just an inconvenient stop gap between getting out of bed and returning to it that evening. He’d always heard bedridden spoken about in negative terms, bedridden was the dream. Imagine a valid reason to never get out out of bed again.

There were only so many times you could blame the tube. And Gavin was fast running out of dying relatives. After using all the real ones and the ones he’d made up, he reckoned that he had a Great Aunt left as a valid excuse before the whole dead relative thing was redundant. He drew the line at using his parents (they were still alive, he wouldn’t want to tempt fate). He suffered from episodes of guilt badly enough as it was. He wouldn’t want to add jinxing his Mum or Dad's death to the list of things to feel guilty about. He still hadn’t quite resolved the guilt issues from saying his Grandma (who was still alive) had died as an excuse for a day he was four hours late for work. He’d weighed it up at the time and it felt like the right thing to do. No one in the family particularly liked her, and if making up that she died foretold her actual death prematurely, he’d be doing the family a favour. And it was an emergency, life is for the living, he thought. As soon as the words “My Grandma died” left his mouth, he knew it was a mistake. Gavin was not cut out for doing the job of the grim reaper, he couldn’t even fill in spreadsheets effectively. What was he even doing attempting to decide who should live and die? She wasn’t even ill, she was just a sociopath.

He was late again, looked like about half an hour or so. Not worth using the Great Aunt excuse on this occasion. For that length of time, delays on the line worked fine. Gavin worked in an office. Just a normal office. It had someone who worked in accounts, an HR person, desks with computers on, the strip lighting that apparently gave you cancer, a water machine, one of those areas with some cupboards and a sink. Everything you needed for a functioning office. His job was administrative. This would be the first job to go when they inevitably introduced robots into the workplace. A robot wouldn’t be late, it could work longer hours. It would probably have a programme that enabled it to make perfect small talk. Most importantly, you wouldn’t have to pay the robot. Everyone saw robots taking over as some sort of bloody battle where they destroyed the human race. It wouldn’t be like that at all, humans would just destroy themselves when there was nothing left to do. And the robots would just be sat in offices doing admin until the world ended. How long before he became obsolete, 10 years, 20 years? He should be preparing for when this happened, but just preparing for tomorrow was hard enough.

He slunk into the office. For a man his size, he could be agile if he needed to be. He opened up his computer and began to work. He’d missed breakfast, so opened the bottom drawer of his desk and got out a packet of crisps. He savoured the first one and let it melt on his tongue. He loved crisps. Jane wheeled over to his desk on her chair and dumped a pile of files on top of the packet of crisps he’d just opened. “You couldn’t sort these out for me could you Gavin?” Gavin was in love with Jane. He loved her plain face, small eyes and lank hair. Her bad attitude. She wouldn’t stand for him staring at himself in the mirror for hours on end and worrying about robots taking his job. Jane was exactly the type of woman he needed, someone who would tell him what to do. He’d tried pretty unsuccessfully to navigate his own life. He needed Jane to sail the ship.

“Sure Jane, nice weekend?”

She had wheeled back to her desk. The phone on his desk beeped, he picked it up and heard the nasal tone of the manager John.

“Gavin, could you swing by my office? We need to have a chat”

John opened Gavin’s file and sighed.

“I thought we’d sorted out being late?”

“My Mum’s Great Aunt died at the weekend, so had a bit of life admin that carried over into this morning, my Grandma is very upset about it all.”

“I thought your Grandma was dead?”

“She got better.”

“Well punctuality is becoming an issue again, attendance is poor. Productivity is down. Gavin, you’ve got some chocolate on your face.”

Gavin wiped his face with the sleeve of his shirt. John rifled through Gavin’s file, it made for depressing reading.

“Do you not like working here?”

“No I love it, great people, nice location. Really feel like it’s where I belong.”

“We are getting pretty close to the end of our disciplinary options, Gavin. I thought the written warning had put a stop to the lateness and moroseness.”

“Well I’d hardly say I was morose.”

“Gavin, the cleaner found a wet towel and a bottle of Head And Shoulders in the office last night, along with further evidence of someone bathing in the sink, do you know anything about this?”

“I’m disgusting…I mean that’s disgusting.”

They sat in silence. The meeting was now at a standstill. John thought he’d given Gavin enough rope, with the lateness, chocolate on his face and finally a clear accusation of using the office as a public bath. But this oaf just sat there sucking up all the criticisms like they were compliments. No, he hadn’t given him rope, he’d given him string. Gavin was not going to hang himself today. John had to retake control of the meeting, as if he didn’t, Gavin would sit there for even longer, taking up time.

“Okay, well, I’m not going to give you a final warning today, but next time you are in here, you are going to leave me no choice. I like you Gavin,” he lied, “but you need to turn things around if you want a future here.”

Gavin scuttled back to his desk sat down and took a big sigh, he might actually have to do something about this.

 Follow Harry Deansway on Twitter @deansbomb for further updates 

New Show. Who's coming? https://www.facebook.com/events/1511282112436088/

I watch a lot of TV. Well I used to watch a lot of TV. Now I watch a lot of TV to watch some TV,flipping through channels endlessly looking for something to watch. I look for something to watch the same way people look for Bigfoot. They glimpse a blurry thin bear, I glimpse the flicker of an engaging character. They think they see a monsters hand on a tree like I think I see a gripping storyline. But like them I never find what I’m looking for.

The internet was supposed to revolutionise TV, well if there has been a revolution it certainly hasn’t been televised (or internetised?). For the main Youtube is cat videos, vloggers and viral music videos. Netflix and that bunch are TV on a computer. Why hasn’t there been a great web-series that utilises the youtube format that people want to tune into every week with a narrative arc, strong characters and storylines? (editors note what about Mid Morning Matters?) (editors note You can’t do an editors note if you have written the piece and are the editor) (editors note thanks) Maybe it’s a money thing, it’s just not worth the time. Why would the best writers leave the big bucks of TV and movies to come and write a web-series?

I’m certainly not one of the best writers but I have written (and directed) a new web-series that launched today. Why should you watch it? One it’s been made with a lot of love and commitment, everyone has given their time for free as they believe in the project so it would be great to repay that with some views. Two the show not only utilizes the youtube format in a way I have not seen before but it also showcases some wonderful comic voices who have yet to find consistent mainstream success. It would be great if as many people as possible saw some of their excellent work

We have no budget to pay for a big marketing campaign to convince you it’s good, we are not using expensive PR’s to grease reviewers palms so do give the show a watch, there will be a new episode every Wednesday. Like any good series it’s going to take a couple of episodes to get into it, so hopefully you’ll stick with it. And if you really like it share it and give it a like. Hopefully unlike Bigfoot lots of you will actually see this.

Another word from our sponsor. Or should I say wood from our sponsor?

A word from our sponsor 

Open Letter To Russell Brand

Dear Russell

I am writing this letter to you following your recent interview to promote your tour on Newsnight.

I agree some things need changing as society does feel rather unfair for a lot of people. As mentioned in your New Statesman piece, in the issue you edited, there is a culture in this country of being governed by privileged, rich people. A different type of privileged, rich person than yourself of course. After all a lot of them became rich through the corporations you mention who are “destroying the planet” unlike you who nobly amassed your wealth by hosting the MTV awards, shilling Hewlett Packard computers and appearing in films like the remake of Arthur.

Anyway everything feels better since you got the revolution started late last week, I had a really nice cup of tea the other day and I stayed in the other night. Real change has been facilitated. I am ready to not vote as you suggested. In fact I am sitting here not voting right now. How long do you think I will have to wait to start voting again? As you told Jeremy Paxman on Newsnight to not ask you to “ devise a global utopian governmental system” Is there any plan at all? I know you are busy, are they making a Despicable Me 3?  

Have you thought of setting up your own political party? Jonathan Ross could be head of communications and maybe Andrew Sachs could do your PR? He got you a lot of press a few years ago so could be a good person to get involved. Maybe your BB Noel Gallagher could come up with a new Education syllabus seeing as he recently told GQ that “Novels are a waste of fucking time” It’s quite an achievement to come out with a statement that makes Michael Gove look sane. I just think Noel will be good person to have on side in the New World order.

Will referring to my penis in third person help in anyway with the revolution? Mr Winkie wants to know. Also I’ve bought a thesaurus so I can start making simple points sound more exciting and also create the illusion that I am cleverer than I actually am... Open letters are tiring... I’m just going to de canter some boiling aqua into a china receptacle containing Indian leaves before adding liquid calcium. What a refreshing tipple of Darjeeling.

A friend said to me that I shouldn’t be part of your revolution because of your do as I say not as I do attitude but I said how can we not listen to someone on the redistribution of wealth who married Katy Perry on an elephant in an lavish Indian wedding.

Anyway I’ve wasted enough of your time, I’m sure we will hear what to do next when you next appear in the media to promote whatever it is you are selling.

Sincerely,  Harry

PS Thanks for the secret political message in Rock Of Ages. Wink wink.  

Enjoyed this? Why not follow me on twitter @Deansbomb or check out my Youtube channel Raybot

I WON BREAKING BAD

So I won at watching Breaking Bad. A lot of you are thinking it wasn’t a competition, well turns out it was. Who watched Breaking Bad the best? It was me.

I watched the final episode at 9AM Monday morning on Netflix making me if not the first person in the UK to watch it than at least the 2nd or 3rd. Also a lot of people have been watching it since it aired in 2008. Spend five years watching a TV show? Yeah why don’t I just take a mortgage out or murder a dog. What am I supposed to do in between series hit a tennis ball against a wall? Nah. Like a pro I just started watching it a couple of months ago borrowing box set’s from people who bought it. I was up to date around August just after they pulled that half a season break thing (Sorry, I just used the American word season when talking about a TV show, please take me outside and smash me in the balls with a frying pan) Whilst all the amateurs were drip feeding themselves episodes for 8 weeks till the big final episode Saturday night I just signed up for a free month's trial on Netflix, hoovered up those last eight episodes and then cruised on home Monday morning to much back slapping, cheers and celebrations from everyone on the internet.

As well as my masterful watching of the series  I made some pretty brilliant Facebook and Twitter comments like “So Tony Soprano was waiting for Walter White in that cafe at the end of The Sopranos, that explains everything” A tweet that no doubt delighted connoisseurs of the Box Set  (the Box Set, like the Bloomsbury Set but instead of it being a group of like minded intellectuals it’s everyone who owns a DVD player.) Another classic tweet of mine was “Spoiler Alert, that was the last in the series of Breaking Bad” Toying with those less devoted fans with day jobs whilst amusing the American audience who had watched it when it aired 10’o’clock EST. Like a wry hawk soaring above the humourless sheep I tweeted and facebooked. Admittedly I got no likes or RT’s for any of my comments but who needs interaction on social networks when you’ve got the warm inner glow of satisfaction from knowing you owned watching Breaking Bad.

Of course I remember the original and best Box Set, Quantum Leap It was so good they couldn’t fit it in a box so they had to air it on BBC2. The glory days when box sets were in English, now they don’t know what language to write them in next. I reckon half the people who watch these shows don’t even care about them they've just always wanted to say “Scandinavian crime thriller” at a dinner party. Personally I’m really into a Moldovan Box set I’ve just made up in my own head.

But what to do now it’s all over baby blue, well it’s obvious isn’t it? Find a less well known American series and start saying it’s much better than Breaking Bad. I for one am really into nineties show Cop Rock, Needless to say I’ll win at watching that too.  

IS THERE ANY SPIRIT LEFT IN THE FRINGE

The return of the independent spirit of the fringe has been heralded this year by the great and the good of the Edinburgh glitterati. With two victories for the Free Fringe in the Foster’s Comedy Award, “free” is apparently a viable alternative to the paid fringe. John Kearns and Adrienne Truscott are just two of its success stories but ultimately giving shows away “free” is damaging the long term sustainability of the fringe.

First of all, it is not free either for the performer or the audience. For the performer, both Free Fringe and Free Festival have administration fees in some form or another. For the audience, it is not free, as a bucket is forced in your face at the end of the show for you to donate money to the performer. Maybe a better name, not in breach of the Trade Descriptions Act, would be the cheap fringe? As a result, fringe acts on the paid fringe can’t compete (and by fringe acts I mean genuine acts on the fringe of comedy, not the new acts who have been on Mock The Week, have their own Comedy Blap and are signed to one of the big management companies) with the free fringe, why would you risk 6-9 pounds on an act you have never heard of when you can go and see an act you have never heard of for “free”? This is bad because, as a genuine fringe act charging for their show, it is virtually impossible to get people in and thus build any momentum to make the fringe worthwhile for them. Personally, I don’t want to give a show I’ve worked 6 months plus on away for free.  Long term fringe acts will eventually be frozen out of the paid fringe, it won't be financially viable for the venue to accommodate them or the act to perform there. Even if I approved of the free fringe, a lot of the rooms are virtually unplayable for anyone doing anything more than one man microphone comedy, with bar noise, toilets next to the stage and all sorts of things that turn a gig more into an obstacle course than a closed off space to deliver a performance of merit. At least at a paid venue you know there will be a stage and some rudimentary lighting.

Another thing you heard a lot at this year’s fringe was that the Big Four are pay to play and are ripping off acts. A theory mainly propagated by fanatic self publicist and cheap fringe zealot Bob Slayer (a quick look at a piece the Scotsman refused to publish by him two years ago shows what an unreliable voice he is when it comes to this issue. The figures he bandied around were mainly pulled out of his arse (which is ironic because his act is just pulling out his arse). I can only speak for The Pleasance, they do a very fair deal. 60/40 in your favour. Two of the reason’s acts lose so much money is the promoters and PRs. The deal with most promoters is the same as the venues (60/40 split) which means that once they’ve taken their cut instead of you getting 60% of gross you are getting about 35% (at best)  which is going to make it even harder for you to claw back any money (especially when you are competing against the cheap fringe which is undercutting your show). I would suggest if you are in a 60 or less venue, your promoter should take no more than 15% Most of the services they provide to sell tickets for a venue that size you can do yourself.

Then you’ve got the PRs. As acts, we should run them out of Edinburgh. It is the biggest rip off around (£1500- £2000 is the going rate for the month). No act should pay for one in Edinburgh. Fair enough use a PR for a Tour, a TV show or your book launch, but Edinburgh is a fringe festival that should be of benefit to fringe acts, a meritocracy not a wheel oiled by the greasy palms of social butterflies who nag, coerce and bribe publications and journalists over drinks and lunch. And journalists and publications are at fault for so easily kowtowing to them.

An issue still lingering from last year, and one that no one want’s to speak out about, is the BBC who once again opened a venue. Have they forgotten they are a broadcaster? They bought up a range of hit BBC shows and stars and gave tickets away to it absolutely free (unlike the free fringe this venue actually is free). I had one conversation with a particularly arrogant vile BBC producer who argued that it was fine as by the BBC venue being up there it brought its own audience up to Edinburgh, which was then redistributed across the fringe. The arrogance, that he thought people were specifically coming to the fringe for the BBC venue! He also cited the BBC mixed bill nights that “showcase new talent” as if they were if not more important than doing your hour show.

I met him whilst flyering my show, so was offering him an opportunity to see some new talent. He said he was unable to make it “as it was his day off from the BBC venue and he didn’t want to see anymore comedy”. To clarify, a BBC producer at the fringe only wanted to watch comedy when he was working at his venue. It’s hard enough having to compete with the cheap fringe but you simply cannot compete with the UK’s biggest broadcaster spending thousands of pounds marketing free comedy. I need to make clear that I am not anti BBC I am however anti the BBC having a full time free venue in Edinburgh. I’ve tried to open a dialogue with the BBC about this but they are simply not interested and clearly want to plough on regardless of the long term effect they are having on ticket sales.  

I do not think the spirit of the fringe is alive and well, in fact I think fringe acts are punished not prioritized. The cheap fringe is undercutting quality shows with lower quality shows and in the main, it props up average acts who barely have ten minutes, let alone an hour. Acts need to dispel the fallacy that the big four venues are pay to play and are out to rip off acts, they can be a profitable way to do the fringe. The people who slag off the big four are mainly people who have not been asked to play them. Promoters need to offer fairer deals, if they really want to work with these acts long term than they should invest in the act at this stage. If PRs are going to operate at the Fringe, then the service should be for free. Why should the act take all the financial risk? The BBC needs to cover the festival, not be a venue at the festival and there needs to be an urgent discussion about this. The Fringe is not a fringe anymore it is an already functioning industry transported to Edinburgh for the month. Many years ago, innovation was rewarded and new talent allowed to find its audience. Now, it’s a closed shop where the spirit, if not dead, is very close to dying. John and Adrienne had great shows but their success was the exception not the rule.

I'll be performing my show Wrong Way (not for free) on the 27th of October http://bit.ly/1akBnCK 

STEWART LEE THE REAL THREAT TO THE FRINGE

It wouldn’t be Edinburgh without Harry Deansway writing an article that gets the whole industry talking. Last year it was the BBC syphoning off tickets from the fringe with their atmosphereless marquee filled with free comedy and backed by thousands of pounds of marketing money. What could Harry Deansway have up his sleeve this year ?

Obviously Harry know's what this article will be about because Harry Deansway has already uploaded this to tumblr, Harry wrote this in the past you are reading this in the future. SPOILER ALERT this blog gets finished. Look at Harry playing with the form and writing in the third person, take that GCSE English teachers. I'm writing in the third person because really famous people talk in the third person all the time. I think it will be good practice for when I become really famous after Edinburgh, but I’m sure we can discuss me getting really famous in future blogs here. Unless I get really famous during Edinburgh, in which case I’m not going to lie to you, I’ll be way too busy to do a blog.

Right! What’s the threat to the Fringe this year? Before I announce what the title of this blog gave away a long time ago. I must make it clear Stewart Lee is possibly the best British stand up out there, I have the ultimate respect for him as a comedian but I need publicity for my show so I am going to slag him off for the next  600 words[1] . But enough about my personal life.

Every year in Edinburgh as sure as Scottish landlords will put the price of the rent up by 300% and acts will make a joke about deep fried mars bars in their show Stew will write an article saying how the fringe isn’t what it used to be. It’s probably due any second now. However this year he is part of the problem not the solution. The fringe is supposed to be a place where artists on the outside of comedy find an audience (clue is in the title, The Fringe) how are they supposed to do that when acts like multi award winning Stewart “Two TV shows” Lee are there taking away audiences from lesser known acts?

His two TV shows have turned Lee into a one man big four, hoovering up tickets for both himself and all the acts he has endorsed in his Avaloffthekerb rival “alternative”coterie. It’s just really hard to take someone seriously who’s Comedy Vehicle show is so nepotistic that it books the same act every week, him. Why does he even need two TV shows? Lording it up like a comedy equivalent of John “Two Jags” Prescott whilst us up and comers can’t even get TV meeting let alone a TV show!

When he’s not telling Audiences how to attend the fringe or saturating the TV schedules with his own shows he’s telling comedians how they should be comedians[2]. He has so many rules I just wish he’d write them all down because I’m losing track of what we are allowed to do and not do. And after the articles, the lecturing, the TV shows, the books all of this he then has the audacity to tell us after travelling 300+ miles to get to the festival we must then go a further two miles away from where all the comedy is to support the Stand.

Stewart if this piece ever reaches you in your ivory tower that you have had erected in Stoke Newington with all your TV money to store all your awards in please stop and think about the consequences of your fame and success. Think about acts from the “New Wave” who share your time slot like Nick Helm, Mae Martin and Nicholas Parsons. Think about how you would have felt if Tom O’Connor had done what you are doing now in 1987 when you first attended the fringe. And finally think about coming to see my show  Wrong Way 18:00 Pleasance Courtyard.

[1]Stewart if you could enter into the spirit of the article and get really offended and maybe write a response that in turn pubiscizes my show I’d really appreciate it.

[2]Stewart has since come out and said that he comments about acts using writers was taken out of context http://pastebin.com/tcMx7Wvy However I have it on good authority that he got an unknown act to write this staement and didn’t pay them.

.• To get two free tickets to Harry's show, simply find a Wrong Way flyerer in the Pleasance Courtyard between 4 and 5.30 and say "right way". Offer only available Monday to Thursday. No show on the 13th. Check @deansbomb on Twitter for details

The Job Market

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

Confucious

So four months ago I decided it’s finally time I got a “real job” I’ve had a crack at show biz and it just hasn’t worked out. Time to get up at 8.00 and take a tube ride to the land of broken dreams along with 2 million other Londoners every day. I’ll do the comedy in the evening and on the weekend. During the week I’ll make a worthwhile contribution to our great society that allows cuts to disability benefits and votes in people who were funny on a panel show. I’ll don a head-set and chain myself to a computer or whatever it is a job is these days.

Here’s the thing 2 months later and after checking job sites on a daily basis I am no closer to deciphering what half the jobs I’m looking at even are. I don’t think the people posting them even know. What’s an Editorial Operations Coordinator? or a Search Account Executive? My brain scrambles when I read stuff like this - This company has successfully pioneered the open access publishing model and brought open access to the mainstream. Who’s reading that and going “they’ve bought open access publishing to the mainstream, where do I sign up?” And are they human?

Saw this job advertisement the other day. Head Of Data: The right individual for this position and company will be an inspirational leader, passionate about digital technologies, data audiences and their capabilities. Great Leader and passionate about data? Sorry guys Ghengis Khan died 1000 years ago so good luck filling that position. Who’s going to be a great leader and passionate about data? Anyone passionate about data surely hasn't seen sunlight for ten years. “Hey John why don’t you have any friends?” ROBOT VOICE “Because friends would eat into my time for absorbing data.” I’m trying to imagine what a motivational speech about data would even sound like.  

Also in every job advert they always say you need good communication skills. “Sorry, I find the best way to communicate my ideas is by smashing someones head in with a hammer.” If you don't have good communication skills you are not a human being you are a reptile and probably can’t even operate a computer to fill out an application in the first place. The other platitude so fond of employers  is “excellent organizational skills”. “Sorry I’m late for the interview I thought you wore pants as a hat and shoes were the same things as gloves.” They might as well just write looking for a human being who knows what legs are used for.

Then you’ve got the jobs that the only reason anyone is applying for is because they need the money; yet that doesn’t stop the employers insisting on asking you why you want this job just in case they’ve stumbled across the next Kofi Annan. “Well when NASSA rejected my astronaut application for the 5th time I thought time to pursue my other dream stacking shelves at Tesco” Why do you think I’m applying for a job here! it’s because I don’t have a degree and society doesn’t want me to be an international movie star.

The whole thing was making me angry and frustrated, then it dawned on me I’d found a job. It’s looking for a job. Yeah it’s unpaid and yes there is no clear career path but at least it keeps me busy. Fingers crossed I’m not in line for a promotion anytime soon.

Football "the beautiful game." "A game of two halves." "A funny old game." Just a few of the things people have said about it over the years. For those of you who haven't heard of it  Football or "soccer" is one of the most popular games in the world, so it's about time someone put a show on the Internet about it!

Yellow Card is an irreverent, anarchic take on the football magazine show featuring news, views, alcoholism and lewd comics all broadcast from the house of two of footballs biggest fans Dan and John Curtains. So whether you are mad about football, actually mad or a normal person who likes Youtube make sure you tune into Yellow Card. 

Yellow Card is created by Dan Cook and produced by Lion On Fire for The Raybot Comedy channel, there are currently three episodes online. Enjoy.  

Exit The Mainframe, Why I’ve Turned Off And Tuned Out Of Facebook

So Last week I pulled a big lever that deactivated my personal Facebook account. I took the red pill and unplugged myself from the matrix. Sure I’m going to miss staring vacantly at my news feed eight hours a day as amusing pictures of cats and unamusing pictures of peoples babies hone into view. Yeah I’ll shed a tear for the pointless status updates warning us about how Facebook was selling our private lives down the river and we need to change this setting, forward this status to ten friends and dance under a full moon dressed as a Hopi Indian. Good bye tagging, poking and perving I’m off to be more imaginative with my procrastination.

I have made no meaningful friendships through Facebook. Since joining in 2008 there have been countless Friday or Saturday nights where I have stayed in due to not having anything to do, this despite having 900+ friends. I haven’t got laid through Facebook, despite logging on at two in the morning drunk on several occasions. I’ve seen plenty of pictures of people having great nights out on Facebook but I haven’t had a great night out with Facebook. “Yeah I was at a club on my own and I logged into Facebook on my phone so I was with my 900 Facebook friends. I didn’t get a chance to enjoy the night as I was updating my statuses as everyone else was on Facebook not at the club.” It’s never asked me down the pub. When I split up with my girlfriend all Facebook wanted to do was tag pictures of her having a good time with other guys and show me status updates about how well things were going for her. If anything it took her side.

When your life is going badly (as it often has been in the last four years in my case) the last thing you want to hear is how well everyone else’s is going. It’s bad enough finding out someone you know has got a promotion or is getting married now you are privy to the joy of some virtual hanger on you’ve never met in real life too. Where once one could happily sit and imagine how badly everyone else’s lives were going now thanks to Facebook nothing is left to the imagination. It is plain to see that everyone is doing better than you. Before we lived lives of quiet desperation now we lead lives of pointless status updates.

And friend is definitely the wrong term for people you know on Facebook. It’s more of a friendship simulator, the feeling of friendship as if manufactured in Taiwan or programmed on a spectrum ZX by a serial killer. Great if you don’t have any friends in real life, are a travelling door-to-door salesman or a lizard. Also asking someone “Do they want to be your friend” was fine at nursery school, aged thirty two not so much yet on Facebook you get about ten of these requests a week.

Until your laptop can dispense alcohol intravenously, you can stick your penis into a girls profile and Facebook can recreate the atmosphere of a night bus socializing on a computer is never going to come close to the real thing. I’m all for computers helping us with a finite set of arithmetic and logical operations but lets leave socializing on them to World Of War Craft players and blow up doll owners.

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All comedians are mad, it's a prerequisite for the job however no act quite wears it on their sleeve like Steven Brody Stevenson in the Zach Galifianakis produced Brody on HBO. A reality show with a difference Brody is an aspiring LA comedian who is loved by the great and the good of the LA comedy scene. He doesn't really have an act, his jokes are pretty corny and as he so rightly puts it himself "I'm funnier than my material." He is the quintessential anti comedian from a scene spearheaded in the States by the likes of Tim And Eric and Neil Hamburger where jokes and craft are jettisoned for awkwardness and failure.

Unlike the others on the scene Brody is the real deal. It's not an act. And that's what makes this show fascinating.

The show picks up a week or so before Brody has a mental breakdown that leaves him hospitalised. It focuses on his rehabilitation into work and attempts to rebuild bridges all under the guidance of friend and Producer of the show Galifianakis who has a genuine love and respect of Brody's talent. There are so many stand out moments in the series from Brody's unique take on the yes and principle in a long form improvisation class to him trying out routines on his adorable eighty year old mother all culminating in a heart wrenching series finale.

At first glance it seems like you are just laughing at a mentally ill person and sometimes you are but as the show progresses even though a lot of the time he may not be in on the joke Stevenson is hilarious. His story is heart warming and he is a truly unique comedy voice. This is a warts and all portrait of a stand up as told through Brody who embodies a magnified essence of the genetic madness, mayhem and chaos of the true spirit of a comedian. Making this one of the most entertaining shows I've seen in a while.

Currygate

Hello I am writing to complain about a lunch I had in your lovely pub the other day. First of all let me say what a nice pub you have the décor is classic, the staff are friendly and you have a wide selection of ales and ciders, which were very pleasing. However the meal I had was one of the worst I have ever eaten. Lets start with what I purchased was described as “Massaman Beef curry”.  In my experience this is normally a sumptuous beef curry made with coconut milk and potatoes flavoured with Thai spices in rich gravy. What I received was a bowl full of coconut milk with some raw cabbage, four pieces of chewy beef and 6 giant roast potatoes. Roast potatoes in a curry? For a moment I thought I had stepped into a Heston Blumenthal restaurant not a quaint pub in Highgate Village.

The whole point of a curry is to cook all the ingredients together and let them become tender and full of the flavour of the curry. Putting a load of separate ingredients in a bowl full of coconut milk does not a curry make and should certainly not cost seven pounds. I’m all for culinary innovation but your “roast potatoes curry” was a bridge too far.

Needless to say I am very disappointed as when I walked past the pub it looked like a lovely place to come and have some lunch. I would definitely come there again to eat if the issues with the food were addressed.

I understand the need to seek extra revenue streams due to the troubles that pubs are going through. What with the smoking ban, being undercut by the supermarkets and all the other problems. I am loathe to write this but your “Massaman Curry” is not only verging on a breach of the trade descriptions act it is daylight robbery.

Regards, Harry  

PS To add insult to injury ten seconds into Tim Buckleys Dolphins, one of the most beautiful songs ever recorded, "in my opinion" and a track seldom heard out of the comfort of an up there own arse music fans home a member of staff saw fit to turn it off and replace it with the Stereophonics. Cutting Buckley off in his prime was bad enough but replacing it with not a single track but what appeared to be a full Stereophonics album is not only a crime against music but one against civilized society that should be punishable by hanging. Any landlord who thinks a customer should be subjected to a roast potato curry whilst listening to a full Sterophonics album should be frog marched out of the hospitality industry and into a mental institution.