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desperately swimming against the doubt

@an-indelicate-modern-idea / an-indelicate-modern-idea.tumblr.com

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WE FUCKING LOVE TO SEE IT

Happy one year anniversary to The Article ✌🏽😂

This is wrong because 1. Garrus.

Have we forgotten that Kaidan also blamed you for disappearing for several years *while you were dead*, refused to talk to you about what had happened or what you were doing and left you, and then in ME3 tried to tell you he *forgave you* for cheating on him if you romanced someone else in ME2? When he was, in fact, the one who left you in the first place?

No, sorry. Straight out the airlock for Mr. Alenko after that.

*Garrus* is your bestie. Garrus is the one who's there for you. He's kind, supportive, gently questions you on your shit but trusts you when you say you know what you're doing not because you're a space racist but because someone's gotta stop the Reapers and your space government isn't giving you shit for resources so you take what you can get.

Garrus is your bro unconditionally, Kaidan isn't. No shot he's best boyfriend and I will die on this hill.

Don't shakarians ever get bored of pasting their bullshit all over other people's posts? Don't you ever stop to think that maybe you should mind your own fucking business and let people enjoy other characters?

I don't come onto y'all's posts and shit all over your favourite little space racist cop do I? No, because I have some fucking manners

So ignore it? Block and move on.

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WE FUCKING LOVE TO SEE IT

Happy one year anniversary to The Article ✌🏽😂

This is wrong because 1. Garrus.

Have we forgotten that Kaidan also blamed you for disappearing for several years *while you were dead*, refused to talk to you about what had happened or what you were doing and left you, and then in ME3 tried to tell you he *forgave you* for cheating on him if you romanced someone else in ME2? When he was, in fact, the one who left you in the first place?

No, sorry. Straight out the airlock for Mr. Alenko after that.

*Garrus* is your bestie. Garrus is the one who's there for you. He's kind, supportive, gently questions you on your shit but trusts you when you say you know what you're doing not because you're a space racist but because someone's gotta stop the Reapers and your space government isn't giving you shit for resources so you take what you can get.

Garrus is your bro unconditionally, Kaidan isn't. No shot he's best boyfriend and I will die on this hill.

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teaboot

On of the less intuitive things about love, I've found, of any kind, is the importance of needing things.

I didn't realize it until recently, but I've always seen love as something requiring sacrifice, selflessness, patience, and generosity- to ask for nothing is to be the best person I can be, small and quiet and never in the way, always happy and helpful, self-sufficient and present when desired.

It's only as an adult, now, that I'm beginning to see the selfishness of wanting nothing.

I cut my friend's hair in my kitchen the other day. They wanted a trim and I had the skills, so I offered, and was genuinely excited when they stopped hesitating over "bothering me" and took me up on it. It was a peaceful afternoon, and we had tea and chatted for an hour or more.

My brother and I shared popcorn at the movies a while ago. When I came time to pay, I pulled my card out like a wild western sheriff and slapped it on the machine before he could fight me for it first. The satisfaction was delightful.

Someone called me crying on the phone the other day. Kept apologizing for disturbing me at work, talking about how they were bothering me on my lunch break. I was telling the truth when I told them that really, I was flattered and honored and relieved, knowing that if they were hurting I would know, that I didn't have to worry in silence. It felt good to hear them slowly come down, and to know that they knew it would be better soon, and to hear them laugh wetly on the other end. We're getting together for a visit next week.

It's hard to need things, if you've trained yourself not to. It's hard to want things, when you don't know how to want anymore. Trusting people is difficult, and so is relying on them, but I don't know where I'd be without the people who rely on me.

I've heard a lot of people say, "Nobody will love you unless you love yourself". I've had a lot of thoughts about it. It's not right, but it's not wrong, either, I think.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... I've always taken that to mean, "You will not be lovable until you develop a positive view of yourself as a person".

Now, I think it's sort of inside-out.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... because nobody can show their love to you in a way that you can accept until you treat yourself kindly, and learn what you need, and what you want, and how to ask for it, and then give that vulnerability away.

Love, for me, is someone I ask for a ride to the airport. Whether they end up doing this or not is irrelevant.

It's not needy, or selfish, or taking up energy. It's giving the gift of being wanted, and needed, and thought of. It's giving someone the security of being part of someone's life.

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Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

Arepo built a temple in his field, a humble thing, some stones stacked up to make a cairn, and two days later a god moved in.

“Hope you’re a harvest god,” Arepo said, and set up an altar and burnt two stalks of wheat. “It’d be nice, you know.” He looked down at the ash smeared on the stone, the rocks all laid askew, and coughed and scratched his head. “I know it’s not much,” he said, his straw hat in his hands. “But - I’ll do what I can. It’d be nice to think there’s a god looking after me.”

The next day he left a pair of figs, the day after that he spent ten minutes of his morning seated by the temple in prayer. On the third day, the god spoke up.

“You should go to a temple in the city,” the god said. Its voice was like the rustling of the wheat, like the squeaks of fieldmice running through the grass. “A real temple. A good one. Get some real gods to bless you. I’m no one much myself, but I might be able to put in a good word?” It plucked a leaf from a tree and sighed. “I mean, not to be rude. I like this temple. It’s cozy enough. The worship’s been nice. But you can’t honestly believe that any of this is going to bring you anything.”

“This is more than I was expecting when I built it,” Arepo said, laying down his scythe and lowering himself to the ground. “Tell me, what sort of god are you anyway?”

“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth. I’m a god of a dozen different nothings, scraps that lead to rot, momentary glimpses. A change in the air, and then it’s gone.”

The god heaved another sigh. “There’s no point in worship in that, not like War, or the Harvest, or the Storm. Save your prayers for the things beyond your control, good farmer. You’re so tiny in the world. So vulnerable. Best to pray to a greater thing than me.”

Arepo plucked a stalk of wheat and flattened it between his teeth. “I like this sort of worship fine,” he said. “So if you don’t mind, I think I’ll continue.”

“Do what you will,” said the god, and withdrew deeper into the stones. “But don’t say I never warned you otherwise.”

Arepo would say a prayer before the morning’s work, and he and the god contemplated the trees in silence. Days passed like that, and weeks, and then the Storm rolled in, black and bold and blustering. It flooded Arepo’s fields, shook the tiles from his roof, smote his olive tree and set it to cinder. The next day, Arepo and his sons walked among the wheat, salvaging what they could. The little temple had been strewn across the field, and so when the work was done for the day, Arepo gathered the stones and pieced them back together.

“Useless work,” the god whispered, but came creeping back inside the temple regardless. “There wasn’t a thing I could do to spare you this.”

“We’ll be fine,” Arepo said. “The storm’s blown over. We’ll rebuild. Don’t have much of an offering for today,” he said, and laid down some ruined wheat, “but I think I’ll shore up this thing’s foundations tomorrow, how about that?” 

The god rattled around in the temple and sighed.

A year passed, and then another. The temple had layered walls of stones, a roof of woven twigs. Arepo’s neighbors chuckled as they passed it. Some of their children left fruit and flowers. And then the Harvest failed, the gods withdrew their bounty. In Arepo’s field the wheat sprouted thin and brittle. People wailed and tore their robes, slaughtered lambs and spilled their blood, looked upon the ground with haunted eyes and went to bed hungry. Arepo came and sat by the temple, the flowers wilted now, the fruit shriveled nubs, Arepo’s ribs showing through his chest, his hands still shaking, and murmured out a prayer. 

“There is nothing here for you,” said the god, hudding in the dark. “There is nothing I can do. There is nothing to be done.” It shivered, and spat out its words. “What is this temple but another burden to you?”

“We -” Arepo said, and his voice wavered. “So it’s a lean year,” he said. “We’ve gone through this before, we’ll get through this again. So we’re hungry,” he said. “We’ve still got each other, don’t we? And a lot of people prayed to other gods, but it didn’t protect them from this. No,” he said, and shook his head, and laid down some shriveled weeds on the altar. “No, I think I like our arrangement fine.”

“There will come worse,” said the god, from the hollows of the stone. “And there will be nothing I can do to save you.”

The years passed. Arepo rested a wrinkled hand upon the temple of stone and some days spent an hour there, lost in contemplation with the god.

And one fateful day, from across the wine-dark seas, came War.

Arepo came stumbling to his temple now, his hand pressed against his gut, anointing the holy site with his blood. Behind him, his wheat fields burned, and the bones burned black in them. He came crawling on his knees to a temple of hewed stone, and the god rushed out to meet him.

“I could not save them,” said the god, its voice a low wail. “I am sorry. I am sorry. I am so so sorry.” The leaves fell burning from the trees, a soft slow rain of ash. “I have done nothing! All these years, and I have done nothing for you!”

“Shush,” Arepo said, tasting his own blood, his vision blurring. He propped himself up against the temple, forehead pressed against the stone in prayer. “Tell me,” he mumbled. “Tell me again. What sort of god are you?”

“I -” said the god, and reached out, cradling Arepo’s head, and closed its eyes and spoke.

“I’m of the fallen leaves,” it said, and conjured up the image of them. “The worms that churn beneath the earth. The boundary of forest and of field. The first hint of frost before the first snow falls. The skin of an apple as it yields beneath your teeth.” Arepo’s lips parted in a smile.

“I am the god of a dozen different nothings,” it said. “The petals in bloom that lead to rot, the momentary glimpses. A change in the air -” Its voice broke, and it wept. “Before it’s gone.”

“Beautiful,” Arepo said, his blood staining the stones, seeping into the earth. “All of them. They were all so beautiful.”

And as the fields burned and the smoke blotted out the sun, as men were trodden in the press and bloody War raged on, as the heavens let loose their wrath upon the earth, Arepo the sower lay down in his humble temple, his head sheltered by the stones, and returned home to his god.

Sora found the temple with the bones within it, the roof falling in upon them.

“Oh, poor god,” she said, “With no-one to bury your last priest.” Then she paused, because she was from far away. “Or is this how the dead are honored here?” The god roused from its contemplation.

“His name was Arepo,” it said, “He was a sower.”

Sora startled, a little, because she had never before heard the voice of a god. “How can I honor him?” She asked.

“Bury him,” the god said, “Beneath my altar.”

“All right,” Sora said, and went to fetch her shovel.

“Wait,” the god said when she got back and began collecting the bones from among the broken twigs and fallen leaves. She laid them out on a roll of undyed wool, the only cloth she had. “Wait,” the god said, “I cannot do anything for you. I am not a god of anything useful.”

Sora sat back on her heels and looked at the altar to listen to the god.

“When the Storm came and destroyed his wheat, I could not save it,” the god said, “When the Harvest failed and he was hungry, I could not feed him. When War came,” the god’s voice faltered. “When War came, I could not protect him. He came bleeding from the battle to die in my arms.” Sora looked down again at the bones.

“I think you are the god of something very useful,” she said.

“What?” the god asked.

Sora carefully lifted the skull onto the cloth. “You are the god of Arepo.”

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stu-pot

Generations passed. The village recovered from its tragedies—homes rebuilt, gardens re-planted, wounds healed. The old man who once lived on the hill and spoke to stone and rubble had long since been forgotten, but the temple stood in his name. Most believed it to empty, as the god who resided there long ago had fallen silent. Yet, any who passed the decaying shrine felt an ache in their hearts, as though mourning for a lost friend. The cold that seeped from the temple entrance laid their spirits low, and warded off any potential visitors, save for the rare and especially oblivious children who would leave tiny clusters of pink and white flowers that they picked from the surrounding meadow.

The god sat in his peaceful home, staring out at the distant road, to pedestrians, workhorses, and carriages, raining leaves that swirled around bustling feet. How long had it been? The world had progressed without him, for he knew there was no help to be given. The world must be a cruel place, that even the useful gods have abandoned, if farms can flood, harvests can run barren, and homes can burn, he thought.

He had come to understand that humans are senseless creatures, who would pray to a god that cannot grant wishes or bless upon them good fortune. Who would maintain a temple and bring offerings with nothing in return. Who would share their company and meditate with such a fruitless deity. Who would bury a stranger without the hope for profit. What bizarre, futile kindness they had wasted on him. What wonderful, foolish, virtuous, hopeless creatures, humans were.

So he painted the sunset with yellow leaves, enticed the worms to dance in their soil, flourished the boundary between forest and field with blossoms and berries, christened the air with a biting cold before winter came, ripened the apples with crisp, red freckles to break under sinking teeth, and a dozen other nothings, in memory of the man who once praised the god’s work on his dying breath.

“Hello, God of Every Humble Beauty in the World,” called a familiar voice.

The squinting corners of the god’s eyes wept down onto curled lips. “Arepo,” he whispered, for his voice was hoarse from its hundred-year mutism.

“I am the god of devotion, of small kindnesses, of unbreakable bonds. I am the god of selfless, unconditional love, of everlasting friendships, and trust,” Arepo avowed, soothing the other with every word.

“That’s wonderful, Arepo,” he responded between tears, “I’m so happy for you—such a powerful figure will certainly need a grand temple. Will you leave to the city to gather more worshippers? You’ll be adored by all.”

“No,” Arepo smiled.

“Farther than that, to the capitol, then? Thank you for visiting here before your departure.”

“No, I will not go there, either,” Arepo shook his head and chuckled.

“Farther still? What ambitious goals, you must have. There is no doubt in my mind that you will succeed, though,” the elder god continued.

“Actually,” interrupted Arepo, “I’d like to stay here, if you’ll have me.”

The other god was struck speechless. “…. Why would you want to live here?”

“I am the god of unbreakable bonds and everlasting friendships. And you are the god of Arepo.”

I reblogged this once with the first story. Now the story has grown and I’m crying. This is gorgeous, guys. This is what dreams are made of.

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threefeline

This is amazing!

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the "came back wrong" trope except like... they didnt. like this mad scientists wife died, and so he studied necromancy, brought her back, and she came back and it all worked. like she came back exactly the same as she was before with literally no difference. but the scientist guy is like "oh no... what have i done.... shes Different now!!!! she came back Wrong!!!!" and shes just like. chilling. reading a book. cooking dinner. shes just so so normal but in the guys mind hes like "oh shes soooo weird" but shes just normal

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mysticorset

Peer reviewed tags from @somanyofthekids

NO its a JOKE and YOU DONT GET IT. ITS NOT THAT DEEP

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hiveswap

While she was dead he put his memory of her on such a high pedestal that she could never live up to it alive

alternatively‚ she came back perfectly fine but he thinks she came back wrong‚ because the tragic reality is that he never actually knew his wife

im going INSANE thats MY POST.

It's your post but the journey to posting it changed it to such a degree that even its closest intimacies are now foreign to you. Sorry dude.

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I'm losing my fucking mind over this PLEASE watch the whole thing

[Transcript:

Man with a beard speaks, “People who grew up with money, like, literally look into your eyes and ask you something insane.”

Camera switches to a woman in a green shirt who says, “When I was in college, the guy that sat next to me in one of my business classes sat down next to me one morning and asked me if everything was okay because he had seen me walking on my way to class. He was worried about, like, you know, did my car break down, did I need a ride, very sweet of him. So I got to tell him that, uh, no, I don’t need a ride, but thank you, I live pretty close, and also I don’t have a car. Because it’s Boston, which is a hellscape to drive in, and I am poor. And he kind of laughs, and he’s like ‘yeah, yeah,’ he gets it. Like, driving in Boston is really annoying, having a car is annoying. But he has a loophole, so he wanted to tell me about the loophole, and that was that every morning he would drive his car and he would park it in front of the business school building, in the fire lane. And it would get towed immediately because it’s a fire lane, but it was towed to a luxury car impound lot that was, like, maybe a mile away, and it was only $175 a day. So, what he would do is get it towed every morning to that lot, and then he would call a car to pick him up and take him to the lot to go get it at the end of the day. He just, you know, wanted to share that with me. He’s happy to pick me up in the morning and show me how to do it so that when my dad ships my car to the city for me, that I will have a way to park it. And while that was incredibly kind of him, we are from different planets.”

End Transcript]

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I love that Tumblr is like “We got Neil Gaiman to do a question and answer session so send in your questions and maybe he’ll answer them!” as though the man hasn’t spent the last few years hanging out here answering random questions and cementing himself as a widely beloved fixture of this site

“We brought in Neil Gaiman”

the fuck you did, he lives here

“we brought in neil gaiman”

you pulled him unceremoniously from his bed to go sit on the couch is what you did

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kinda confused over the people calling dream “cold” and “emotionless” because hELLO did we even watch the same show? he literally cries over jessamy’s murder, even chooses to stay captive far longer than he has to, all because he couldn’t forgive her murderer. he grins from ear to ear when he finally sees lucienne’s lovely face again, whispers her name like a prayer, clasps her hand tightly and takes a moment to let go because he’s clearly missed her as much as she’s missed him. he holds grudges like nobody’s business (see: nada). he hesitates to get close to matthew because he doesn’t want another bird to die on his behalf again. he’s just as heartbroken as cain and abel when he has to reabsorb gregory, and is definitely amused when he meets jed walker. and don’t even get me started on his arc with calliope and orpheus. because even in the short amount of time we see them interact, dream is nothing BUT feeling. he seethes with quiet anger over the woman he once loved being used and discarded like a common plaything, he practically begs her to let him help, and at the end, when all is said and done, it’s revealed that he’s still in the process of grieving their only son, so much so that he can’t even talk about it just yet, even after thousands upon thousands of years, and in this essay i will

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kinda confused over the people calling dream “cold” and “emotionless” because hELLO did we even watch the same show? he literally cries over jessamy’s murder, even chooses to stay captive far longer than he has to, all because he couldn’t forgive her murderer. he grins from ear to ear when he finally sees lucienne’s lovely face again, whispers her name like a prayer, clasps her hand tightly and takes a moment to let go because he’s clearly missed her as much as she’s missed him. he holds grudges like nobody’s business (see: nada). he hesitates to get close to matthew because he doesn’t want another bird to die on his behalf again. he’s just as heartbroken as cain and abel when he has to reabsorb gregory, and is definitely amused when he meets jed walker. and don’t even get me started on his arc with calliope and orpheus. because even in the short amount of time we see them interact, dream is nothing BUT feeling. he seethes with quiet anger over the woman he once loved being used and discarded like a common plaything, he practically begs her to let him help, and at the end, when all is said and done, it’s revealed that he’s still in the process of grieving their only son, so much so that he can’t even talk about it just yet, even after thousands upon thousands of years, and in this essay i will

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Someone on the Sandman subreddit said there are stars on the lining of Dream’s coat so I had to see for myself. This is from Episode 2, "Imperfect Hosts":

And here's a freeze frame:

But that's not all. Let's slow it down.

Someone else on the thread pointed out the stars are not exactly moving in tandem with the coat's fabric. It means those are not just star prints; there are actual starry skies within Dream's coat! That is so beautiful and romantic. The amount of details in this show is incredible.

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forever (or several months) ago, someone reblogged a post about some software used for note-taking in D&D that was like, part notes app, part mind mapping, part Wiki generator, and I can’t find it and I really need to know what program that was. so like, do your thing if you see this I guess.

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tumblr users: i hate tiktok it's the worst

every post of a tiktok video: 12,746 reblogs, 45,094 likes

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solitarelee

yes but the experience of occassionally seeing a curated-by-my-homies tiktok vid on my dash is so violently different from the endless stream of scrolling through algorithmic video content. i crave variety. what is my social media experience without walls of text interrupted randomly by videos of ducks and pictures of weird vegan brownies.

If your Tiktok feed lacks variety, that’s your fault.

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