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DeMario Rayvon

@whenthingsgowrite-blog-blog / whenthingsgowrite-blog-blog.tumblr.com

My writings, my musical tastes, my thoughts and opinions. I'm just navigating life's maze. I hope u enjoy :)
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Hoem

The neighborhood isn’t the same.

The tree lined, manicured homes I knew

lived hard lives;

they died and resurrected as fields,

and they seem lucky;

some of the others are dying slow deaths

with windows smashed or boarded.

The sorrow runs a rhythm of:

house. abandoned house.

field. two houses. big field.

barely alive apartment building.

corner, with balloons and Hennessy bottles

and a bear, saying RIP Tez.

Right before the corner is the house

I called home.

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The grass is running through the living room

where we once opened Christmas gifts.

An earthquake I knew nothing about

made the driveway jagged.

I walk to the backyard and look at

my old window.

I can see the memories of yesteryear

in the peeling paint.

The only thing surviving here,

in the neighborhood I once claimed so proudly,

is memories.

I remember sleepovers in that abandoned house

the green one with the makeshift cardboard door.

We’d spill into the hallways with sleeping bags

and our childish glee.

Against the corner store wall

we’d pitch quarters until we were chased away.

I popped a wheelie for the first time

in front of that sequenced stretch

of house, field, apartment.

I guess as we left

we took everything

that made the hood rich.

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Brownfields flank the neighborhood

with prairies of blue collar yesterdays.

Dead.

Houses stand in loneliness,

as the community we claimed so proudly,

the this my nigga from the hood

verifications of familiarity

is gone.

Dead.

Zombies roam the streets,

with eyes of drug induced defeat.

Dead.

The middle of the street,

where many lost pride

while fleeing on feet.

Dead.

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My buddies--

the fresh faced

loud mouthed

wheelie popping

shit talking charismatics I used to know

roam as ghosts

as all left.

Dead.

I put my hands around my heart

to protect the memories

shared from one end to the other end

of this street.

My first kiss and piece of panty pie

exists as nostalgia;

as the girl grew into a woman

and moved to a better place

with time.

I catch the glimpse of who I am

from a window reflection;

that child from here

this end of the tracks

still alive.

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Just Know

Just know that I’m grieving

knowing

knowing that it can end

and evening.

Believe it or not,

a shot can come at any given time

with no prerequisite given

or needed even.

Just know I love you

even though we may be foes.

Claws pinching one another

in this bucket we call life.

Deeper than blood because

we’re a part of the same strife.

And know that

under any other sun

allies we would become.

Just know.

Just know that Black is gold

and that’s why we’re hunted.

Built the economy

on our athletic shoulders.

But Ben Franklin

graces the hundred.

Just know…

just know I want our just due

and a chance

to let vocal cords heal

from yelling “fuck you.”

Just know…

I’d love to have kids

and see them grow.

But the world is stripping

my desire

to build an empire

of descendants

due to seeing my own die

because I cry couldn’t repair

looking at the seats across from me

knowing they should be there.

Just know I do care

and do love

and want the best.

But the stress of being here

brings about a certain fear.

I wipe the tears

and practice my scowl.

And practice my right a little

So when the enemy wants a defeat

against me

I can’t know how.

Just know my arrogance

comes from melanin.

I could be fully suited

and be still deemed a terrorist.

I could ride like a terrorist

to end up in a suit

of the ugliest orange hue

bunking by you.

Just know love…

just know love.

When I point at you

during a handshake

know that it’s just us.

And if I call you boo

just know that it’s just us.

And when you question it,

I’m hearing a “fuck us.”

And despite the fuck ups,

I love us.

I just don’t care to wait

to be blindsided

by yet another heartache.

Just know you’re place.

Know your place.

Know the concept of race

is a lie

because we’re only

comprised of tribes.

Know honesty when you look

into my eyes

And knowing you are legacy

through you, it stays alive.

Just know.

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Freedom (It’s Not Easy)

Freedom is escaping demons

or

finding something to believe in.

Escaping the cold night sweats…

Honestly, I just haven’t won this fight yet.

Hyperactive disorders

Anxieties and depression

keep me swingin

with no second guessing

in regards to morals.

If I fear

there’s no run

I just punch

I go dumb

Fuck everybody and feel no emotion

and go...numb.

All these mistakes are mine

and mine alone…

I’m not easy to love

I’m not easy to trust

I’m not easy to discuss

feelings with

because I get nervous

Admittedly I’ve created

many fires on purpose.

I hate dependency…

because it throws me off mentally.

Drugs, throwing me off chemically…

Fuck you, I have to fend for me…

But I can’t.

Unmedicated and pacing a room

drinking and snorting

and smoking and maybe

one more fucked up thing

from skin poking.

I see pictures of me

and the kid is there

but withering away

Holding on to my heart

gripping it.

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I’ll Remember Memories

I’ll tattoo the memory on my heart

over a scar

just in case this day

feels like a memory from too far ago.

And I’ll recall your smile

and how it illuminated

Lake Michigan.

How I kissed you

knowing that one day

we won’t ever kiss again.

I remember being...

I remember being lost

until a walk across

Navy Pier lead me to love.

Just us

sharing dreams

with eyes full of stars

anxiously saying

“If you want

you can have my heart”

Though I knew we’d fall apart

a temporary forever

could be cool

with the two of us together.

And if the words “Fuck you, bitch!”

Escape my lips

This night, how could I forget it?

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Why I Converted to Islam | Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

I was born Lew Alcindor. Now I’m Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

The transition from Lew to Kareem was not merely a change in celebrity brand name — like Sean Combs to Puff Daddy to Diddy to P. Diddy — but a transformation of heart, mind and soul. I used to be Lew Alcindor, the pale reflection of what white America expected of me. Now I’m Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the manifestation of my African history, culture and beliefs.

For most people, converting from one religion to another is a private matter requiring intense scrutiny of one’s conscience. But when you’re famous, it becomes a public spectacle for one and all to debate. And when you convert to an unfamiliar or unpopular religion, it invites criticism of one’s intelligence, patriotism and sanity. I should know. Even though I became a Muslim more than 40 years ago, I’m still defending that choice.

Unease with celebrity

I was introduced to Islam while I was a freshman at UCLA. Although I had already achieved a certain degree of national fame as a basketball player, I tried hard to keep my personal life private. Celebrity made me nervous and uncomfortable. I was still young, so I couldn’t really articulate why I felt so shy of the spotlight. Over the next few years, I started to understand it better.

Part of my restraint was the feeling that the person the public was celebrating wasn’t the real me. Not only did I have the usual teenage angst of becoming a man, but I was also playing for one of the best college basketball teams in the country and trying to maintain my studies. Add to that the weight of being black in America in 1966 and ’67, when James Meredith was ambushed while marching through Mississippi, the Black Panther Party was founded, Thurgood Marshall was appointed as the first African-American Supreme Court Justice and a race riot in Detroit left 43 dead, 1,189 injured and more than 2,000 buildings destroyed.

I came to realize that the Lew Alcindor everyone was cheering wasn’t really the person they imagined. They wanted me to be the clean-cut example of racial equality. The poster boy for how anybody from any background — regardless of race, religion or economic standing — could achieve the American dream. To them, I was the living proof that racism was a myth.

I knew better. Being 7-foot-2 and athletic got me there, not a level playing field of equal opportunity. But I was also fighting a strict upbringing of trying to please those in authority. My father was a cop with a set of rules, I attended a Catholic school with priests and nuns with more rules, and I played basketball for coaches who had even more rules. Rebellion was not an option.

Still, I was discontented. Growing up in the 1960s, I wasn’t exposed to many black role models. I admired Martin Luther King Jr. for his selfless courage and Shaft for kicking ass and getting the girl. Otherwise, the white public’s consensus seemed to be that blacks weren’t much good. They were either needy downtrodden folks who required white people’s help to get the rights they were due or radical troublemakers wanting to take away white homes and jobs and daughters. The “good ones” were happy entertainers, either in show business or sports, who were expected to show gratitude for their good fortune. I knew this reality was somehow wrong — that something had to change. I just didn’t know what it meant for me.

Some fans took my decision very personally, as if I had firebombed their church while tearing up an American flag.

Much of my early awakening came from reading “The Autobiography of Malcolm X” as a freshman. I was riveted by Malcolm’s story of how he came to realize that he was the victim of institutional racism that had imprisoned him long before he landed in an actual prison. That’s exactly how I felt: imprisoned by an image of who I was supposed to be. The first thing he did was push aside the Baptist religion that his parents had brought him up in and study Islam. To him, Christianity was a foundation of the white culture responsible for enslaving blacks and supporting the racism that permeated society. His family was attacked by the Christianity-spouting Ku Klux Klan, and his home was burned by the KKK splinter group the Black Legion.

Malcolm X’s transformation from petty criminal to political leader inspired me to look more closely at my upbringing and forced me to think more deeply about my identity. Islam helped him find his true self and gave him the strength not only to face hostility from both blacks and whites but also to fight for social justice. I began to study the Quran.

Conviction and defiance

This decision set me on an irreversible course to spiritual fulfillment. But it definitely wasn’t a smooth course. I made serious mistakes along the way. Then again, maybe the path isn’t supposed to be smooth; maybe it’s supposed to be filled with obstacles and detours and false discoveries in order to challenge and hone one’s beliefs. As Malcolm X said, “I guess a man’s entitled to make a fool of himself if he’s ready to pay the cost.”

I paid the cost.

As I said earlier, I was brought up to respect rules — and especially those who enforced the rules, such as teachers, preachers and coaches. I’d always been an exceptional student, so when I wanted to know more about Islam, I found a teacher in Hammas Abdul-Khaalis. During my years playing with the Milwaukee Bucks, Hammas’ version of Islam was a joyous revelation. Then in 1971, when I was 24, I converted to Islam and became Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (meaning “the noble one, servant of the Almighty”).

The question I’m often asked is why I had to pick a religion so foreign to American culture and a name that was hard for people to pronounce. Some fans took it very personally, as if I had firebombed their church while tearing up an American flag. Actually, I was rejecting the religion that was foreign to my American culture and embracing one that was part of my black African heritage. (An estimated 15 to 30 percent of slaves brought from Africa were Muslims.) Fans thought I joined the Nation of Islam, an American Islamic movement founded in Detroit in 1930. Although I was greatly influenced by Malcolm X, a leader in the Nation of Islam, I chose not to join because I wanted to focus more on the spiritual rather than political aspects. Eventually, Malcolm rejected the group right before three of its members assassinated him.

My parents were not pleased by my conversion. Though they weren’t strict Catholics, they had raised me to believe in Christianity as the gospel. But the more I studied history, the more disillusioned I became with the role of Christianity in subjugating my people. I knew, of course, that the Second Vatican Council in 1965 declared slavery an “infamy” that dishonored God and was a poison to society. But for me, it was too little, too late. The failure of the church to use its might and influence to stop slavery and instead to justify it as somehow connected to original sin made me angry. Papal bulls (e.g., “Dum Diversas” and “Romanus Pontifex”) condoned enslaving native people and stealing their lands.

Conversion is a risky business because it can result in losing family, friends and community support.

And while I realize that many Christians risked their lives and families to fight slavery and that it would not have been ended without them, I found it hard to align myself with the cultural institutions that had turned a blind eye to such outrageous behavior in direct violation of their most sacred beliefs.

The adoption of a new name was an extension of my rejection of all things in my life that related to the enslavement of my family and people. Alcindor was a French planter in the West Indies who owned my ancestors. My forebears were Yoruba people, from present day Nigeria. Keeping the name of my family’s slave master seemed somehow to dishonor them. His name felt like a branded scar of shame.

My devotion to Islam was absolute. I even agreed to marry a woman whom Hammas suggested for me, despite my strong feelings for another woman. Ever the team player, I did as “Coach” Hammas recommended. I also followed his advice not to invite my parents to the wedding — a mistake that took me more than a decade to rectify. Although I had my doubts about some of Hammas’ instruction, I rationalized them away because of the great spiritual fulfillment I was experiencing.

But my independent spirit finally emerged. Not content to receive all my religious knowledge from one man, I pursued my own studies. I soon found that I disagreed with some of Hammas’ teachings about the Quran, and we parted ways. In 1973, I traveled to Libya and Saudi Arabia to learn enough Arabic to study the Quran on my own. I emerged from this pilgrimage with my beliefs clarified and my faith renewed.

From that year to this, I have never wavered or regretted my decision to convert to Islam. When I look back, I wish I could have done it in a more private way, without all the publicity and fuss that followed. But at the time I was adding my voice to the civil rights movement by denouncing the legacy of slavery and the religious institutions that had supported it. That made it more political than I had intended and distracted from what was, for me, a much more personal journey.

Many people are born into their religion. For them it is mostly a matter of legacy and convenience. Their belief is based on faith, not just in the teachings of the religion but also in the acceptance of that religion from their family and culture. For the person who converts, it is a matter of fierce conviction and defiance. Our belief is based on a combination of faith and logic because we need a powerful reason to abandon the traditions of our families and community to embrace beliefs foreign to both. Conversion is a risky business because it can result in losing family, friends and community support.

Some fans still call me Lew, then seem annoyed when I ignore them. They don’t understand that their lack of respect for my spiritual choice is insulting. It’s as if they see me as a toy action figure, existing solely to decorate their world as they see fit, rather than as an individual with his own life.

Kermit the Frog famously complained, “It’s not easy being green.” Try being Muslim in America. According to a Pew Research Center poll on attitudes about major religious groups, the U.S. public has the least regard for Muslims — slightly less than it has for atheists — even though Islam is the third-largest faith in America. The acts of aggression, terrorism and inhumanity committed by those claiming to be Muslims have made the rest of the world afraid of us. Without really knowing the peaceful practices of most of the world’s 1.6 billion Muslims, they see only the worst examples. Part of my conversion to Islam is accepting the responsibility to teach others about my religion, not to convert them but to co-exist with them through mutual respect, support and peace. One world does not have to mean one religion, just one belief in living in peace.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the National Basketball Association’s all-time leading scorer. During his 20 seasons in the league, he won six championships and was named its most valuable player six times.

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In Transit

I know there’s another world for me

if ever I become courageous enough

to leave the world I’m apart of.

I’ve always feared that there’s this fine print

that includes me as part of the deal.

But with new surroundings...

wouldn’t a new me arise?

An improved me?

I’m a creature of habit

through and through.

But I’m already in a period of loss.

So what it is it to lose?

Especially knowing that so much

can be gained

if I can refrain from ‘used to?’

What am I used to,

to begin with?

Fleeting. Quick forevers.

‘Always’ that translates

into ‘never.’

‘Fuck em’ when it used to be

‘together?’

Or ‘everythings’ turned ‘whatevers?’

I fear the ideal me

dearly.

I know there’s a chance

the real me

is the ideal me

in transit.

And if I must leave behind

the lion’s share of what

is known to my mind?

Hey, you can have it.

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