what are your favorite places to visit in the united states?
heartbreak really rots you
it has been a little over two months and i am still destroyed and consumed every day
my psychic said he would come back to me and realize he was wrong and that she sees me going to france or a francophone country later this year and that i should wait til the end of the year to buy a house and my main art thing this year will happen september
no matter what happens i will always be a tumblr bitch
rode on the back of a motorcycle for an hour going 60-80 from jersey after showing my sweet my favorite swimming spot and shooting bbs with my friends and it was absolutely thrilling
wow have a real crush that is reciprocated for the first time in forever and ironically i got my wisdom teeth taken out after we hung out twice so i couldn’t even kiss for a week
somehow manifested dating someone exactly twice my age (guess you can only experience that once, which is kind of funny)
had doubts and reservations on the first date but he strangely is one of the most well adjusted people i have met, and also surprisingly kind for a very wealthy person who was also born into a lot of privilege and has estranged himself from the people in his family who he disagrees with
he is genuinely very kind and very good at communicating which i guess is a result of being divorced and having children and many business partners, but i actually feel very relaxed and at ease around him and he lets me chainsmoke in his apartment
for our fourth date within two weeks he’s taking me to the nba playoffs and i’m pretty excited
forgot that sometimes you can get very sad when you feel unloveable
have my first shift ever dancing @ a club next monday and i am extremely nervous but excited
things that are already happening in 2023 that i am excited for:
ski trip new band for fun not for serious making short artist film in syracuse exhibiting internationally in germany (collaboratively but still stoked) exhibiting in a museum in the states (same collab) doing the video synthesis workshop and making video art for the first time french cinema club
things that i want to accomplish in 2023:
buy a car get my motorcycle license self publish riso poetry chapbook tour to monteal with said chapbook either fall in love or forget about romance work on a musicvideo move into my own apartment get rid of my eating disorder dream mattress installation buy a motorcycle take a real vacation roadtrip decide whether or not i want to apply to mfa by visiting schools
ok let’s do this
but anyways, my silly tasks for the rest of the year are, to make my friends wedding dress, make 6-10 outfits for a collection for a fashions how, make 3-5 garment for my friend’s film that will be shown internationally in museums, perform in the film, and somehow write a few more poems to finally publish some sort of printed ephemera to release by next year, i don’t know, it feels horrible to tie your self worth to what you make, how many things you can make, and how people receive the things you make, but from october 2021 til right now was the longest stretch of time (11 months) that i have not worked towards a cohesive visual/tangible art project and i maybe started taking poetry classes to occupy my time in hopes that i would still be making something (because i really did not have it in me to use my hands anymore) and i did a bunch of karaoke instead of making music because it honestly is too sad to ever try to write anything musically ever again, sorry all of this is horribly depressing and i will hopefully either delete this or feel confident enough that i have moved on from this weird time in my life that i can glance at it later and feel better that i am no longer there
i am literally so tired all the time these days and after the last thee years but especially the last nine months of trying to piece myself together it has been absolutely exhausting, i don’t know, i am honestly completely exhausted with trying to stay sober from nose drugs and have joked that they should just make placebo white powder that you can snort or make vitamins idk, i have shirked all of my responsibilities this year so far, but somehow virgo season and a vyvanse prescription have weirdly blessed me with actual good opportunities for my art but they are all within the next three months and i somehow have to get my shit together and make a bunch of work back to back for the rest of the year (after like a whole year of not making anything because i was too depressed after a horrible breakup and being high all of the time to try to process the reality of that) and im really just hoping that i can somehow pull this off and i haven’t completely forgotten how to make anything? i sit in my studio for hours and i make things and i don’t really get sleep but a part of me feels like i can’t make art in the way that i used to anymore and i am second guessing myself all the time, the truth is, no body of work is ever truly finished or fully fleshed out, and the day before it is to be presented or installed it’s a bunch of last minute decisions and stringing it together with what you actually have, because i am simultaneously incapable of planning anything, but unfortunately also cannot be motivated to make anything unless i have a looming deadline ~ it sounds maybe so stupid but i have truly thought about doing those silly juice cleanses or whatever to detoxify my body because i actually can feel myself dying sometimes and it’s weird and i’m convinced that if i swim enough or breathe enough natural air that i can restore minutes of my life back or something and feel alive again, but maybe i can just drink a lot of ginger tea and rose tea and then do the juice thing, idk, it is a weird fantasy of mine to go into a medically induced coma for one week and have a beautiful vitamin IV drip where they just restore my body back to its proper levels, i finally got fancy health insurance two years ago but i literally have not been to the doctor yet because i am too scared of what they will tell me is wrong with my body, but maybe it is time to now, idk the reality is that i really do believe that there are good things out there in life and they exist but im so sick and tired of being scared of everything and having that hold me back, my biggest wish right now is to be fearless
today was the first day i woke up in a long time where i woke up with relative ease and did not feel any shame or guilt or impending doom and felt like i could complete the simplest of tasks that i have been putting off
it is the first time i have felt this way in almost three years
i woke up and started working on my computer and made coffee and am about to make some scrambled eggs for myself. nest is fast asleep on the bed and won’t wake up for another three hours probably. i finally cleaned my room and for the first time my room is a place that is just for me to live and i have a separate studio (which i still have to move into, but that will take time).
for the last 5 months i haven’t been k sober for more than 24 hours at a time and today will be my first full complete day. tonight oona is going to take me on an adventure to see the horseshoe crab orgy in delaware and i am going to continue staying alive and hopefully only do drugs on the weekend and try to trust that people love me and want to be my friend not because of my body or what i perform or can give them but because they simply do and that i can also love them and be their friends too
it wasnt love! turns out it was infatuation and anxiety and i was just high for a month and a half straight lol, but in reality that is truly a relief and i can become my true hermit self again
so stupid but i just want to rant about how much i love my sweetie to anyone who will listen, over the weekend she nervously was like “this is silly and terms are arbitrary and what not but like would you want to be my partner” and i was like lol yes
have had the most affirming tarot, astrology, and akashic record readings over the last month, and it weirdly feels like everything is falling into place despite the absolute strangest timing of anything
i need to do this for two hours every day