all those memes about how old ppl are bad with technology are gonna haunt us when we cant figure out how to get the apple iBrain 7 to stop autoplaying embarassing memories

Why be the dancing queen when you can be the killer queen, gunpowder gelatine, dynamite with a laser beam, guaranteed to blow your mind

*to my doctor after getting laser eye surgery* so how do i shoot them

just discovered a neat trick. if you make brownies but dont cut them, you can eat the whole slab and say you only ate 1 brownie

God i wish someone would sell me a haunted house. Ghosts aren’t real and I’d love to get a really nice house for like half the price that it should be. 

and if they are real you can fuck them.

This guy gets it!

sorry ive been distant lately its because ive been distant lately

shoutout to my coworker for thinking that “illuminati” and “alumnae” meant the same thing and absolutely destroying everyone in the room when he casually dropped the sentence “i get a discount there because i’m an illuminati” into the conversation

I had a dream I went to class but only a few people were there. When I asked one of them (a guy who was just staring blankly at the chalkboard) where the rest were, he only said “they’re all awake”. 

When I woke up, I realized I overslept and missed my first class.

you better watch out 🎅 you better watch out 🎅 you better watch out 🎅 you better watch out 🎅 you bETTER WATCH OUT 🎅 YOU BETTER WATCH OUT 🎅 YOU BETTER WATCH OUT 🎅 YOU BETTER WATCH OUT 🎅

You're telling me, a chicken fried this rice

need me a girl wit a big ol thiq mind

fat ass cerebellum

The cerebellum is primarily responsible for balance and coordination

U wanna girl who can stand without falling

 is that too much to ask???

me: i wanna swim in a natural pond or lake, i want to walk in and see the moss and the trees and the little fish and just be one with nature

also me: hUHEDN SomNETH sloPRY TOUHCY MEy LEG