We're Two in a Million Lights

is the world really such a terrible place? yesterday i asked if oat milk was extra and the barista said yes so i said ok just regular milk then and when she gave me my chai latte she whispered “i used oat milk ;)” doesnt that make u want to live another day?

here is my life philosophy: next week there might be someone ahead of you in line at the store who’s short a quarter and you have a quarter and you can give it to them. if you weren’t there, they’d have to put something back. the week after that you could be getting lunch and the waiter might ask if you want some pancakes someone else ordered and never picked up. you could find someone’s lost cat. you could watch someone’s bag while they go to the restroom. there are so many ways you are going to touch other people’s lives and they are going to touch yours and there’s no way to know when it’s going to happen. so you have to keep living!!! i wouldn’t want to die knowing that tomorrow the barista will give me free oat milk just to be nice. 

It's not that people don't want to work. It's that people want to work for the good of society and not for the profit of people who already have more than they could ever use.

We saw how little we mattered to our employers during the pandemic.

I love that in the ten years I've been on tumblr, tumblr users' attitude towards tumblr has come full circle, now we're back where we started at "tumblr is our beloved home, no other social media can compare, no other website has what we have, do not trust other websites, do not tell the outsiders about us", only this time we're like. Really exhausted and with a sense of irony about it.

you know what, we should organize a tumblr convention

Stupid super powers are the best, I would want teleportation sure but for character development I'd give my super character the ability to summon any fruit. She can't control it or make it do anything, all she can do is decide what fruit she summons and where it appears.

You might think that sounds stupid but the ability to manifest any fruit anywhere any time is actually stupidly overpowered and I'd put her up against any kind of super strength or invulnerable skin or whatever any day of the week. Oh no you got a strawberry in your aorta, anyway who wants fresh apples!

Imagine you're like some mad bad alien conquestor from planet Zarboz and this chipper lady comes skipping your way and asks if you want some nice mangoes, and you go like yarrrgh I am Zarp the Demoter, surrender or die, and she manifests 450 trillion unripe avocados to eject your whole ass into space.

hyena positivity that focuses on spotted hyenas only is so fake. if you don’t love brown and striped hyenas then get out. if you don’t love aardwolves I can’t even look at you oh my god

oh shit wait you guys know about the aardwolf right?????? right???????

leeeeeetle hyena? eats bugs?

opened up depop read gorpcore feel this world is not real

you can’t just say gorpcore like you dont know how absurd it sounds you can’t just sic this word on people

You ever think about ancient inventions that may no longer actively be used, but which were so geniously designed that technically speaking, they still work?

Consider that old historical monk haircut. The tonsure looks like that on purpose, to keep them humble and away from temptations of sin. And it still works exactly as intended. Do you guys have any idea how much gay porn there would be of medieval monastery dudes knowing each other biblically if their haircuts were not so unfathomably unsexy.

boy, I dunno what I expected after the first paragraph, but it wasn't what I got

I just watched The Room (2003) for the first time with some friends and I. I cannot. this broke me

the pizza? the one that Lisa orders? the half-hawaiian, half pesto-and-artichoke?

that’s my favorite pizza

that’s the pizza I order every. single. time.

what does this mean?

like, have all of the pizza places I’ve ordered from for the past decade thought I was referencing The Room? have I been getting silent judgement from the local Dominos without my knowledge?? is this why that guy at Mod Pizza laughed at me that one time??

how did I, a person who had never seen The Room, choose this as my favorite pizza? is this fate? happenstance? 

what does this say about me?

I’m having like. an existential breakdown over this

is this….tearing you apart?

goddammit

ok so what if you worked in an old office building that had cool gargoyles on the outside. that’s sick, right? you don’t get why no one else thinks the gargoyles are awesome. you didn’t even watch that old 90′s gargoyle cartoon because you were too little when it was airing, but you’re vaguely familiar with the plot. you always did like the thought of statues and pictures and paintings having secret lives where no one could see. 

in the summer, when it turns out the windows open, you leave a cup of coffee out on the ledge for the gargoyle that’s nearest the breakroom. it’s funny. it’s just a cute joke. your coworkers laugh, but not really at you. it’s harmlessly silly, and frankly working in an office kind of sucks. no one minds something extra to smile about. 

the next day you go to get the mug back. the coffee’s gone, but the cup’s half full of rainwater and cigarette butts. haha, cute joke, someone else must be in on it. you wash the cup and put it back out fresh for the gargoyle. everyone’s calling him greg now. everyone smiles over greg’s morning coffee. greg needs his fix! greg is a valued employee. keep up the good work, greg. you set a mug of coffee out for greg every morning, now. 

the stuff in the coffee mug that’s left behind keeps changing, though. it’s different every morning: always rainwater, but also cigarette butts, coffee grounds, a handful of gravel, some bottlecaps, gross old pennies. receipt papers, pigeon feathers, half a shoe.

then one morning it’s a whole, wrapped snickers bar. still in half a cup of dirty rainwater, but the plastic’s fine, the candy inside should be good. 

‘huh. thanks, greg,’ you say, and after you get greg his coffee, you open the candy bar and have it right there, sitting on the windowsill. 

‘so that’s what you guys eat,’ the gargoyle says, satisfied. 

ducktales crew: lol okay so then we wanna introduce our silicon valley villain, we’re gonna call him mark zuckerbird and-

disney legal team waking up in a cold sweat: someone’s gonna try to insult a billionaire 

Same energy

Unhinged cartoon creator: “what if we just hit this beehive with this cool stick I found?”

Beat those beehives like a drum

www.instagram.com/rek0de/

Sound stays OFF for this one, lads

#!!!!!!!!!!!!! #sound on full blast babey

we’re at a stalemate

@bogleech

Nature is healing

US state borders but they are based off rivers and mountains

@blinded-by-love

I think we should do this but leave Colorado alone so there’s just an extremely jarring rectangle in one part of this

I like how you think.

enough. to the Box with you

I read an AITA post a few weeks back about a woman who liked having snacks in the bath when she's had a long day (a result of residual trauma iirc - the bath was her safe space). Her brand new husband of three weeks, a man twice her age who had no job, made her pay all of his bills and do all housework, and spent all day every day gaming because he wanted to make it as a Twitch streamer, had always been fine with this; but, on the day in question, had whisked her bath snacks out of her hands as she was on her way to the bathroom and tried to bin them, telling her it was time to 'break her of that filthy habit in his home'. She told him if he ever actually paid anything towards the house she owns outright he might get a say, took her snacks back, and had her lovely bath. He was since giving her the silent treatment.

(Obviously the judgement was an avalanche of 'NTA and also he's abusing you', which she agreed with, and decided to kick him out, so happy ending.)

Anyway I told my husband about this and he was outraged. "I would never do that!" he told me, furious. "I would find it adorable if you had bath snacks!"

Since then, every time I try to have a bath (which I only do as a rare treat) after about ten minutes there has been an anxious scrabbling at the bathroom door.

"Elanor!" he says. "Do you have bath snacks? Do you need anything?"

My answer is irrelevant. He brings me wine and poptarts. Now I have bath snacks. I'm a bath snacks person. Last time he was literally sleeping on the sofa when I went for the bath. Somehow this still happened. I now have an eager bathroom butler. How did this happen. I have never been so decadent yet bewildered.

Get yourself a husband who turns you into a bath snacks person.

Hey, you. I… I couldn’t help but notice you are having a rough day… May I offer you some snuggie rats in consolation?

Hi I cannot believe the sheer volume of notes on this post every time it pops up in my notes. Like fuck it’s fucking ¾ of the way to being one of those 100K notes posts

@teenagecriminalmastermind

🥺🥺😭😭😭