#whyididntreport
It’s been YEARS since I’ve posted here. I don’t know who follows me, I don’t know if anyone still gets on here.
What I do know is this is a safe place. One where I can share my story and not have to worry about many of those I know seeing it.
I’ve seen so many stories under the #whyididntreport hashtag. It’s brought up a lot for me.
I was 18 when I lost my virginity. A boy I thought was cute was giving me attention at a party. We had a lot of the same friends. We were hitting it off. We disappeared from the crowd to kiss. That was fine with me. He asked if I wanted to have sex. I didn’t want to lose my virginity that night. He didn’t believe me when I said I was one. He asked again. I said I was on my period in hopes that would deter him too. I wasn’t lying. He insisted again. And again. Until finally we hit time number twelve or so. I got tired of saying no. Convincing isn’t consent. I didn’t want to have sex, but I felt like I couldn’t get away, and that was my only option. Have sex and you can get out.
He snickered when we were done and had the audacity to ask me if I “really was a virgin.”
I was. I tried to think nothing of it. But that’s not how I expected my first time to go.
I remember he understood the gravity of the situation shortly after then. He was suddenly worried that I would say something bad to someone. That I could call rape because he had to insist so many times. That’s right, insist. “Do you want to?” became “it will be fine, it won’t hurt, it will be quick.” My definition of consent doesn’t fall under his guidelines.
I never said anything. I didn’t report because I didn’t feel like I could. I felt just as at fault for saying yes.
I’m 26 now. He’s in law school miles away. We haven’t talked since that night. I still look back at that moment in disgust. I’m not proud and I still feel partially to blame. I won’t forget that night, and I won’t stop fighting for the women who have been sexually assaulted. There are people with stories far worse than this. Mine doesn’t scratch the surface. Stay strong, girls. Keep letting your voices be known.
