do yoo see mi?

I have nowhere else to put this safely cuz all my accounts are followed by real people. But no one checks tumblr anymore. Hopefully.

I haven’t felt like this in awhile but.

The current state of anti-lgbtq legislation has made me incredibly s*icidal. I’m not doing so great.

Everything in my life on paper is going well. I have a job I love, am very good at, a great team that supports me, a board position that helps me do incredible things for the community at work, friends that absolutely care about me and that I love. Hobbies that make me happy. I’m in the best place I’ve ever been with my relationship to my parents.

And I still… want to not be here anymore, not on this rock at least. The people on this planet that make the rules, that run our governments, whatever, they operate looking for power and money. They run on ignorance and hate and I don’t want to be around for it. I can’t keep fighting for myself or my community. How do i explain to anyone how much it hurts to see your existence made into a joke and not worth respect day in and day out?

I desperately want out.

Happy birthday to the best person I know hands down. You’re starting year 28 @parkkatie! I am so proud of you for taking chances on yourself this past year. I’m grateful for your self-aware kindness and compassion. I know you don’t believe me yet, but this year is going to be one of your all-time best hits. • Thanks for always putting up with my spontaneous chaos and laughing at my corny jokes. Thanks for always pushing to me to be the person I am before I even see it for myself. Thanks for giving me a reason to take the day off and experience art in such a cool space. • Seeing the world through your eyes never gets old. I’m always willing to follow you to the next awesome place you pick to check out. Happy birthday best friend, love you Katie! [10:00pm | 02.09.2022] (at MASS MoCA) https://www.instagram.com/p/CZx-p91tgfm/?utm_medium=tumblr

This year, #pride has been a new experience. I’ve been fortunate enough to have joined the board at @warnermedia’s NYC chapter for our employee LGBTQ group! Strategizing and hosting events for PRISM members this month has been incredibly rewarding and amazing. I had the humbling opportunity to talk about LGBTQ stories with students at @saysi_sa, my alma mater for a media arts education before college. Last but not least, I was featured at WarnerMedia for an employee spotlight about myself and having pride as a member of the LGBTQ community. I learned more about our community’s history and also shared my story with more people than I ever could have imagined. I was able to celebrate us and try to foster safer spaces for others! • But I also have a confession to make. I’ve spent this whole month at my mom’s in my hometown. As much as I love my parents, I think most people would be surprised to know when I go home, it feels like I’m climbing back into the closet. And I’ve gotta say, it’s a lot harder to deal with than I can put into words. I choose to be as open about my identity in all ways with my friends, my coworkers, strangers, social media, but I can’t be that with my parents, more in particular, my mom. I live without sharing my achievements with the people who made me, raised me, and it makes me sad but also ashamed because I try to advocate for our community to be open and vulnerable with others and I hate that I can’t follow the path completely in all parts of my life. • But! I am still grateful. I have amazing friends, my chosen family, other supportive extended family, and coworkers. I hope one day I get the strength to not only be the good oldest child to my parents, but also to be as close to them as I wish we could be. But until then, I hope to continue to lead by example in the rest of my life and be the person I needed when I was younger. I hope I can be proof to any person out there that longed to see themselves that they too have a wonderful life ahead of them. • Happy #PrideMonth! I love y’all 🌈 [09:42pm | 06.30.2021] (at San Antonio, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQxKetWFsXy/?utm_medium=tumblr

Today’s the big day!! Come join the live Q&A with the other two filmmakers and myself moderated by two current @saysi_sa media art students! I never thought I’d get to come back in such a way to my alma mater but I’m so excited to do so. • “Skye” was my first short that I wrote and directed. I was given the tools and support for its production by my Say Sí family in 2009 to make a film that even back then felt so taboo, an LGBTQ youth story that felt so close to home for myself. To be able to watch and remember what this film meant to me is going to be emotional but also humbling. I hope join us! • You can screen all three films we’ll be discussing RIGHT now at on Vimeo (link in my bio) and the link to the YouTube livestream will be in @saysi_sa’s bio! • Happy #pridemonth everybody and to all those that have supported me to this day 🌈❤️ [02:46pm | 06.22.2021] (at San Antonio, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQb0id0lYsB/?utm_medium=tumblr

04+05+91=30. Today was a big day! I made it 30 years on this planet. It was a beautiful Monday of quiet calm, work, and a KBBQ dinner with Katie and Kyle. We caught up on life, shared jokes, talked about the worlds of Tiktok, and NYC real estate. Is this adulthood? (Yes with a little apple flavored soju.) • I told Katie last week I cried while driving to pick her up because I was thinking about what I wanted to say in this annual post. I didn’t have an answer when she asked me why but I sat with it for the week and I understand now. • When I was in high school, I felt like I was probably going to die young. I’m not sure what age that meant but 30 fits the range. It was a mixture of my most mentally defeated years and the lack of representation in my everyday life. I had no Asian LGBTQ role models, no real out AAPI filmmakers to model my dream career after, no sign of happy relationships (or even the thought of legal LGBTQ marriages). In essence, I had no proof that I would have a future to look forward to. • Add in this past year, celebrating my second birthday during a global pandemic. We witnessed incredible solidarity with the Black community, watched with bated breath as we ousted one of the worst presidents in our history, and grieved over the violent tragedies that have unfolded against the AAPI community. Through all of these trying times, I honestly feel an immense amount of survivor’s guilt. How and why have I been spared when so many more have suffered this year in unimaginable ways? I don’t feel deserving. • Me being here, celebrating 30 years is a DAMN MIRACLE. I am grateful for my family and the time I’ve gotten with them this past year. I am grateful for the job I have and the incredible coworkers who are so supportive of who I am. I am so blessed with the people I call friends and am honored to be theirs. And I grieve for my loved ones who didn’t get to see me make it here. Friends and family that left too soon to witness this miracle. I wish they were here for one more hug and kiss. • Today I celebrated the miracle that is my life. Thank you to everyone that has reached out, you mean the world to me. ✨❤️🥰 📸: @mary.kang [11:40pm | 04.05.2021] (at Austin, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CNT0v7rlCLG/?igshid=s5747z5pmyje

Today is a special day. We said goodbye to one of the worst examples of an American and said hello to someone who is leagues more competent to run the White House. But today also marks an even more important day for myself and my family. Today marked four years since my grandfather passed away. • It’s weird how I completely tuned out the fact that he left the same day as 45’s first day. There’s room for some humor like oh, he knew he didn’t wanna stick around for the horror show, etc. But I also think I really didn’t want to connect the two together in my memory. • The universe is really annoying sometimes when it sends you moments in life that make you think a little too much about someone you’ve lost. For example, today on my way back from dropping my mom off somewhere, I ended up passing a funeral procession. In the past, I would have thought, “Oh, you don’t see that every day.” But during this pandemic, you can’t help but think of the million lives lost, and the 400,000+ Americans included. • I cried on the way home. I saw the American flag laid on top of the casket. It reminded me of Grandpa Griswold from this summer. It reminded me of what today meant. It reminded me that too many families have felt this pain this year. Friends who lost parents. Coworkers that lost grandparents. A best friend’s lost baby. It reminded me that this grief never really leaves you, it just holds you tighter. • I hate that it needs to be said, but please wear your masks, stay home, or at least stay away from large group gatherings. It was supposed to be getting better now not worse like it is. Please spare your loved ones the kind of pain that comes with losing someone you love. Do it for your family, your friends, do it for those that love the ones around you. • Today I thought about my grandpa. How I’m so grateful for the moments I got to sit with him. I thought about my grandma, how I’m grateful that she is doing well in spite of these times. I’m grateful for my friends and family’s health. I miss you 할아버지 and I’m grateful for the last moment I got to sit next to you, holding your hand. ❤️ [11:29pm 01.20.2021] (at San Antonio, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CKS5qOCl1Xu/?igshid=guwqaqwffl3r

Feeling the weight of the last four years on my chest but less so knowing that my entire Korean American family voted for the right side of history. No shame for the Park Family in 2020. We did our best, we used our voices, and we stood up for ourselves and our neighbors. The end of this election might not be tonight, or even this week but the real fight for a better America continues on past November 3, 2020. • AAPIs in Texas showed up this year. Black and Latine Americans also showed up in Texas as well. I thank all my friends, colleagues, and loved ones for standing up for me and people like me. WE are America. WE have the power. It’s time we used it for real. • Keep voting in every election, runoffs and midterms. Research the candidates that stick to their word and make your home a better place for you, us, and our future. Run for public office and be the change you seek in this country. • Thank you for voting. [06:10pm|11.03.2020] (at San Antonio, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CHJfINflvQN/?igshid=1txpwkftroux2

Felt cute, won’t delete later. • Happy National Coming Out Day! It’s still wild to say that “out loud” for everyone in the world to see. It’s wild to me when I grew up scared that I would never be accepted in life because of who I felt attracted to. It’s wild to me because I really thought I had no hope of a future where I could have a partner, let alone have the right to marry someone I love. But here we are, in 2020, having witnessed many milestones, celebrated so many achievements by LGBTQ+ people all over the world, seen so much love and acceptance given and received. • Something amazing happened over the years I’ve grown up, coming out little by little to the people I love. Media representation became more abundant and they became more and more POSITIVE representations (albeit we still need to get away from killing lesbian characters on screen). People changed their minds and hearts. We got the right to marriage and ALL the bureaucratic perks that comes with it in this country. We got just a little more feelings of safety and security. • That’s what can come with coming out. That’s something young people, and old, can look forward to with their openness. But remember, coming out is a process, and for so many, it is still not an option. A disproportionate amount of homeless youth are those who are kicked out by unaccepting family members. Kids are still sent to terrible conversion camps and many are still being murdered by their own parents. So please remember, do not out someone for you do not know the dangers they may face. Let people come out in their own time. It is their right. • The more I see LGBTQ+ people on screen, read their stories, hear their music, I am elated. I feel seen, I feel heard, I feel understood. I try to be that for the people around me. I want them to see themselves in me, to see hope and acceptance for their future. I hope they see a future at all. Please continue supporting your LGBTQ+ friends, we need you now more than ever. Vote Biden/Harris to protect us and our lives. Thank you to my loved ones, you have kept me here. • Forever trying to be who I needed when I was younger. I hope I’m doing them justice. [10:31pm | 10.11.2020] (at San Antonio, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGOn28rFqX8/?igshid=1ufcnaorpjzrb

Super sad I missed this @kakaofriends_usa pop-up at ALAND’s new store in NJ before I returned to Texas again but if you’re in the area, definitely stop by! (Don’t forget your mask! 🤗) • #kakaofriendskrew #ad [11:11am | 10.05.2020] #Repost @kakaofriends_usa ・・・ KAKAO FRIENDS ARRIVE IN NJ💛 We’ve worked with @aland_usa again in response to all your love & support for our Brooklyn NY pop-up store😘 Find us @ AMERICAN DREAM MALL🔻 <Hours of Operation> Mon-Thu // 11:00am ~ 7:00pm Fri-Sat // 11:00am ~ 9:00pm Sun // Close <Address> 📍1 American Dream Way #C201 East Rutherford, NJ 07073 - #kakaofriends #popup #kchracter #kpop #kculture #aland (at New Jersey) https://www.instagram.com/p/CF99WH_lTbG/?igshid=v96z30ucvy37

Happy/Merry Chuseok! To be completely honest, I’m still learning a lot about my Korean culture but it’s been a wonderfully fulfilling journey. Apparently wearing your best 한복 (hanbok) for Chuseok celebrations was the norm and I never thought as an adult I would wish I had more photos in mine as a child. • I hope as I get more financially stable and more comfortable and brave in my identity as a non-binary person that one day I’ll be able to buy my own masculine hanbok. Growing up I hated to wear the beautiful outfits my family bought for me because it was too girly feeling for me to wear the dresses. I always wished to wear my younger brother’s, and his was PINK! It might be a few more years before I have to courage to walk into a shop in Korea and ask for the masculine version but it is definitely a must. • Spending my Chuseok being grateful for a fruitful “harvest” and year of hard work at my job, my relationships, and my mental health. I’m grateful for the love I have received and the time I’ve shared with the people in my life, and even the silver linings that have come with this pandemic. I’m going to time to rest before continuing on my journey to live life the best I can, loving with all my heart and soul, and fighting for those that need my voice. • Everyone can celebrate the Chuseok spirit, so I hope you’ll join in too. [07:15pm | 09.30.2020] (at Brooklyn, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFx1xZ6Fy38/?igshid=el74pi10wa6f

Shout out to @kakaofriends_usa for the cute Apeach keychain hand mirror! I’m not one for makeup accessories but my mom LOVES Apeach possibly more than me and it was her birthday last week! • On top of the mini makeup fridge I bought her, this cute little mirror is gonna go in her work bag as she continues to work 16 hours days at the hospital during this pandemic. You never know when a little peach butt might cheer someone up! • Thanks #KakaoFriends for making me look like a better child to my 엄마 (uhm-ma). Love being part of the #KakaoFriendsKrew! #ad [08:08pm | 09.17.2020] (at Brooklyn, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFQdZHLFAsS/?igshid=1ezb8o3lf0450

Day 3 of self-quarantine in Brooklyn for a quick trip home to organize my room and HOPEFULLY FIND MY KEYS. I came back up after 5 months away during this 2020 pandemic and maybe get a hike in with @parkkatie in a few weeks. • Being cooped up again just makes me miss my weekly jaunts outside with my dad to practice my old hobby of playing golf. It got so serious at the beginning of the summer that inevitably my golf shoes from high school officially needed to be replaced. Can’t complain about the brand when your dad offers to buy you a new pair 🙏🏼. • I’m incredibly grateful that I grew up playing the game with my dad, brother and my friends in middle school/high school because now I can talk about it with some of my coworkers on our #HoneyTeam as they play too! Still need to work on my form off the tee (forever slicing) but been seeing some improvement. • Trying to patiently wait to play again with the bestie @chiefyarbrough and my cousin @bpark92 as we all continue to socially distance ourselves and be respectful of those that are on the frontlines and those that are the most in danger of getting sick. • How is everyone else getting in socially distant outside time and physical activity? Let me live vicariously through you as I avoid the NY state $10k fine by staying inside! [8:43am | 09.16.2020] (at Oak Hills Country Club San Antonio) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFMqYJflihu/?igshid=1o1it1dwd3w49

Got to spend some cool down time at the pool this weekend after a summer rainstorm. Thanks to @kakaofriends_usa for sending me this new Apeach portable battery, I didn’t have to worry about my phone dying while playing my music 🙏🏼. • Idk how they knew but they also sent me a few new #KakaoFriends pop sockets just in time as my old one was embarrassingly falling apart from overuse 😂. • Super excited to be a part of the #KakaoFriendsKrew this year and to stay cool, pun intended 😎 #ad [11:51pm | 08.24.2020] (at San Antonio, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CETK35Dlltd/?igshid=804dt4lyjzgr

My phone told me we took this photo SEVEN YEARS AGO. I’m like half sure it was a hookah bar in San Antonio but your guess is as good as mine. I’ve been scouring my phone for a new picture of us that I haven’t posted. We’ve taken so many over the years that I’ve kept to myself that it’s hard to keep track, but here it is, out of the vault. Look at our baby faces!!! 😭 • @courtneyleighmarino’s birthday was today!! A whole year older, a few months younger than me, all the more closer to our thirties. 😭😭 Y’all know the drill by now, she’s the bestie that made me realize what friendship really could look like, that maybe I should stand up for myself more often, and that you shouldn’t leave your love for anyone ambiguous. • It’s gotten hard to keep track just how many years, decades even, that we’ve known each other, since at least 2003! Yo, that’s going on 17 years we’ve known each other. Time apart brought us back together in college even stronger and I’ll forever be grateful to the universe for doing that. • I’m so happy and proud to be one of your best friends and to see your life unfold in front of you as you continue to hit your goalposts and blasting past them. You live at your own pace and I really admire you for that. Happy birthday, Courtney, I love you so much and I promise, we’ll spend your next one together. We’ll make it happen, I know we will. • Forever and always, your best friend. [11:59pm 08.23.2020] (at San Antonio, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CEQm89cFEQS/?igshid=gwoqyfvwr21y

My best friends, my loving cousins, said goodbye to their grandpa this afternoon. Grandpa Kenneth Griswold was in my life since the very beginning. My auntie’s parents were some of the sweetest, most loving people I’ve ever known. His love for them spilled onto me, every holiday, every dance recital and graduation attended, every meal shared together. • I’ll never forget the way his cologne smelled, the way his belly felt when I got to hug him, or the way his five o’clock shadow was the perfect amount of rough on my head. His beautiful laugh, the way his eyes lit up whenever he was with his grandkids. I’ll miss your jokes and the way you always made me feel like your family too. You will always be my favorite bonus grandpa. • Thank you for giving me the chance to say goodbye to you the way I wish I got to say goodbye to my 할아버지. Thank you for holding on for your kids to come home. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for your service. Thank you so much for your love and kindness. • Thank you for loving the most important people in my life. Thank you for sharing them. We will miss you so much. Rest in peace, Grandpa. I love you. [11:50pm 07.29.2020] (at San Antonio, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CDQOI8kFeau/?igshid=16z9brx4rw0ge

My best friends, my loving cousins, said goodbye to their grandpa this afternoon. Grandpa Kenneth Griswold was in my life since the very beginning. My auntie’s parents were some of the sweetest, most loving people I’ve ever known. His love for them spilled onto me, every holiday, every dance recital attended, every meal shared together. • I’ll never forget the way his cologne smelled, the way his belly felt when I got to hug him, or the way his five o’clock shadow was the perfect amount of rough on my head. His beautiful laugh, the way his eyes lit up whenever he was with his grandkids. I’ll miss your jokes and the way you always made me feel like your family too. You will always be my favorite bonus grandpa. • Thank you for giving me the chance to say goodbye to you the way I wish I got to say goodbye to my 할아버지. Thank you for holding on for your kids to come home. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for your service. Thank you so much for your love and kindness. • Thank you for loving the most important people in my life. Thank you for sharing them. We will miss you so much. Rest in peace, Grandpa. I love you. [11:50pm 07.29.2020] (at San Antonio, Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CDQOI8kFeau/?igshid=o9cqc0vhb16v

There is absolutely nothing stopping me from making this a Twice fan blog 🙃