It must be really tough to play a “Q” tile in Scrabble in England when you have to waste the “U” on words like “colour” and “labour”.

i may not be strong enough to bench press 200 lbs but i know a lot of ways to destroy people emotionally and lets face it that comes in handy way more often

it always really bothered me when wait staff ignored me + my friends just because we were young bc we are all really respectful people but the assumption was that we wouldn’t tip

anyway so fast fowards to when i became a waitress and one day this group of scrubbyass kids came in...

this is like my fave joke

okay that shit was good.

Will he ever stop??? I hope not….

I came in like a wreckingball

Pooh stop running from your fucking problems

ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, TIME FOR SOME LEARNIN SO SIT OUR BITCH ASS DOWN AND GET OUT OUR NOTEPAD

THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE IS SUGAR SCRUB. YEAH I KNOW YOUVE SEEN IT BEFORE BUT YOU DONT KNOW WHAT I KNOW AND THAT WHEN YOU USE IT WITH ONE OF THESE FUCKERS

YOU WILL GET LEGS AND ARMS AND ANY OTHER SHIT YOU WANT THAT IS SO SOFT YOU WILL BE SHOVING IT IN THE FACE OF EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND ASKING THEM TO COMPARE IT TO THE TENDER PINK FLESH OF A NEWBORN

SO GET YOURSELF SOME FUCKING WHITE SUGAR AND SOME CHEAP ASS OIL LIKE CANOLA OR SOME SHIT AND MIX THAT SHIT WITH TWO PARTS SUGAR AND ONE PART OIL( THAT MEANS TWICE AS MUCH SUGAR AS OIL BITCHES I USUALLY USE ONE CUP OF SUGAR AND DO SOME FUCKING MATH TO FIGURE OUT HOW MUCH OIL THAT IS) DROP A FEW DROPS OF VANILLA ESSENCE OR MAYBE SOME FUCKING LAVENDER OIL WHATEVER YOU WANNA SMELL LIKE. MIX IT UP REALLY GOOD MMMM SMELLS LIKE CAKE BATTER FUCK YEAH.

NOW GET YOURSELF GOOD AND NAKED. REAL NAKED. PAMPER YOUR GODDESS-LIKE ASS WITH A BUBBLE BATH. TAKE ONE OF THOSE RAZORS YOU GOT AND SHAVE WHATEVER YOU LIKE TO SHAVE LEGS ARMS VAJAYJAY PITS I DONT FUCKING CARE.

NOW GET OUT OF THAT GROSS HAIRY DIRT WATER AND SIT ON THE EDGE OF THAT THERE BATHTUB. TAKE A HANDFUL OF THAT SWEET GOOP AND RUB IT ALL OVER THAT SKIN OF YOURS(just dont use this stuff on or near your lady bits i put this in lower case because it is really important your love cavern does not like sugar uh uh no way its diabetic) RUB RUB RUB KEEP RUBBIN YEAH YOUR HANDS STARTING TO FEEL WEIRD GOOD BECAUSE ITS WORKING

NOW TAKE THAT CHEAP-ASS DISPOSABLE RAZOR YOU HAVE AND SHAVE OFF THAT NASTY-ASS DEAD SKIN EWW ITS SO GROSS NO ITS NOT ITS YOUR OWN SKIN BUT ITS ALL GREY. RINSE OF THAT OILY STUFF BECAUSE YOUR SKIN AINT NO SLIP-N-SLIDE

GOOD NOW FEEL YOUR NEWFOUND SOFT SKIN THAT WAS ONCE BURIED UNDER LAYERS OF DEAD FLAKES OF YOUR PAST SELF YOUR WELCOME MOTHERFUCKERS CLASS DISMISSED

IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS POST FOR AGES thanks for the tip karkat

My wife just did this and has been running around the house screaming “IM A FUCKING GODDESS”

Its true, I have been.

oh my god

As a person from California, this is 100% accurate

As a person from Michigan, this is 100% accurate

As a person from England I was so confused because I forgot you use the Fahrenheit system 

50 degrees in England 

100 degrees in England

I don’t know why I found the skeletons so funny, it’s almost like they’re dancing really sarcastically?

they’re british skeletons of course they’re dancing sarcastically. 

He did it.

So dope !!

Love this

I love seeing dads portrayed as literally anything else other than a useless dumbass like on commercials. Dads are fucking awesome, get with it america.

jake gyllenhaal doesnt know how to hold dogs and i am so happy