I begrudgingly tried to use twitter for 10 minutes as a reddit replacement, then I remembered where I should have stayed all along. Missed u bb

God fucking damnit this global pandemic has absolutely fucked up all of my plans and I feel like I’m being sucked into a black hole and I can’t scream because the air has been ripped from my body by gravity.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

In the last six months, I:

- went vegetarian 🌱

- started volunteering for Elizabeth Warren

- Became a volunteer voter registrar

- put in notice to leave my tech job

- Enrolled in Community College

I feel really fucking good about what I’m doing.

“we have been able to qualify you for admission to Austin Community College.”

It literally just means I have a pulse, but still feels neat. 

I gave notice to quit my job

I’ve been there for 3 years, longest I’ve worked at any one place. I pursued this job because I wanted benefits like health care and paid vacation time. I wanted stability, and it delivered. 

I was never in love with the job, but that was never the deal. the deal was stability and benefits. Voluntarily giving up that stability is scary. But I genuinely believe I’m making the right decision for me. I believe that as year 30 rears its head I may have started to figure out what I want to do with my life. 

I’m going to help people. I’m going to fight for policy changes that will benefit our most vulnerable. I’m going back to school because I want to get an associates in government. Once I have that, I want to get my BA in political science. And since I’ll be working full time this will be a years long journey, but it feels more right than anything I’ve tried before.  And if we’re really dreaming big, I’d like to get a law degree with that. So maybe by the time I’m 45 I’ll be what I want to be when I grow up. 

I need an adult

An entirely unorganized and by no means complete list of things i need: 

- Someone to guide me through the process of getting back in college

- Someone to fund my life while i figure my shit out

- A profound, meaningful friendship

- My father

- A serious diagnosis of what the fuck is tilted in my brain

- A job that will give me flexibility to go back to school and make me feel like I’m actually helping people 

- President Elizabeth Warren

- The will to make an optometrist appointment before I quit and lose my health insurance

- The courage to find a GP and get medical care again

- An OBGYN that doesn’t trigger a panic attack that leaves me sobbing by myself afterwards

- Direction in life

- A house

- More music in my life

- Time

- A way to get my verbal ticks under control

- A better psychiatrist

- Time to figure my shit out

- Help

- The courage to answer the collections calls

- A business plan

- To make this world less fucked up

- The tools to take care of myself

- My memories

-  A plan for what I’m doing in 2020

Fuck.

Just reached out to Austin Community College for info about going back to school

Literally step 000 and nothing to get excited about, but I wanted to shout at the void that I’m looking into going back to school.

Tumblr, I just need to say

That for the first time in my life I took pause before going to the Austin pride parade this year. Because for the first time, I really felt scared. I really felt like I was engaging in risky behavior by being so publicly visible days after El Paso.

It’s fucked. And I’m slightly ashamed to say that I never felt personally vulnerable before. But the idea that someone made me hesitate, and made me scared to be in public with my friends and peers makes me angry.

Fucking Nazis.

Also I’m happy Verizon sold you. Sup.

The answer is always terrible. https://www.instagram.com/p/BuUjGf5hXL8/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=sorph7mmxrg8

My therapist’s office is in an underground fairy garden. https://www.instagram.com/p/BteUwmoBsq8/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=3nmn2h4jdc4u

Now that I’m actually doing yoga I feel so much more validated in my decision to live in yoga pants. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtbePx-BfJ5/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=252zbnuv918g

Straight chillin https://www.instagram.com/p/BtZHUkMhmEW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=5jl47thosxgt

I’d write something here but I’m too neurotic. https://www.instagram.com/p/BtU-XDlh66b/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1bw51helnrryb