Self-Worth

Yesterday I had my first session with a therapist.

It was not at all what I expected it to be. 

I was expecting to have a clear, linear path; go from point A to point B, and eventually “cure” whatever it was that’s been holding me back. Instead I unpacked my emotions in one incoherent babble, not even reaching point A. 

It was scary and draining. 

I would have been disappointed in this first session, but the more I absorb it I’m beginning to see the value of that incoherence; recognizing what it is I’m exactly feeling in the moment and say it out loud.

Admitting to myself that I’m not as put together as I try to make it seem; to others and to myself.

I think with transitioning from having a pattern into the unknown void that is adulthood came that little inkling of self-doubt; in the rehearsal room and also in my personal life. Am I worthy of the accomplishments I’ve had thus far? Do people actually like me? Am I a good actor/singer/dancer/etc.?

It’s a lot to unpack right now. But I’ve only just begun. I’m fucking terrified, but also excited to see where this journey takes me.

There hasn’t been a single show that I’ve been a part of where I doubt my abilities as an actor.

I just came from a rehearsal where I just couldn’t seem to get out of my own head.

“Am I being too reliant on the director?” “Am I making bold enough choices?” “Am I a decent enough actor?” “Does everybody else think I’m not doing enough work?”

Over the years, I’ve learned that this insecurity is a natural part of any creative process. Doesn’t mean that it gets easier for me to handle... 

I need to get out of my own head...

My Journey with Love - Everything Before Us

Once again, Wong Fu Production manages to make me feel things.

Today I finally watched their first full-length film Everything Before Us.

I loved every minute of it. 

It offered an eloquent look on love; its vices and virtues. What it shouldn’t be and what it could be. 

It made me think about my past encounters with “love,” or at least what I thought was “love.” How immature I was. How dramatic I was. How eager I was to find “The One.” How each “heartbreak” brought me into a downward spiral that I never allowed myself to get out of.

And how that, when I eventually did get into my first “real” relationship at the ripe old age of 17, just how big of an asshole I was. How pushy, needy, and just douchey I was. In the context of this movie, I was the younger boy. So in love. But not in the most healthy way. 

It’s amazing how much has changed since then; how my perceptions of love and relationships have changed. How much more mature I’ve become. How much joy I’m continuing to find in our relationship.

But this is not to say that I’m free of any flaw. There’s still things that I’m trying to work on.

The Juan-dering Kind

Hey Tumblr! It’s been a good minute.

The month of August was essentially my vacation month. I did a lot of travelling and it was a much needed month of unplugging, and getting away from all of the bullshit that’s happening in the world and my personal life. 

Lots of relaxing, lots of fun, lots of love.

It was also a great excuse to get back into video editing and playing around with my new DSLR.

The first half of August had me revisiting California and Las Vegas

Highlights included visiting a much newer Universal Studios, seeing The Jabbawockeez and Cirque du Soleil perform, and seeing family.

It had been a good minute since I’ve been to either, and it was really nice to come back at an older age and still manage to have a crap ton of fun. It helped that I was over 21 for the Vegas portion of the trip ;) 

After this trip, I had a three day buffer time, and before I knew it I was on a plane to London, which would be followed by a train to Paris, with my girlfriend and her family.

This was probably my favorite trip I’ve ever taken.

Being in those two cities was absolutely surreal. Beauty lurked every corner. You kinda had to be forced to unplug from any form of social media or electronics otherwise you’d miss something. Rich with history, awe-inspiring architecture, and amazing theatre.

There was literally too much footage for me to use because again, there was something interesting everywhere you looked. 

To be with my beautiful girlfriend and her family in those magnificent cities really was the icing on the cake. 

Back to reality now. Still feeling the vacation high. I’ve got a couple of days until I start a couple of theatre projects and a short film. So ready to make more art. I’m inspired, enriched, and well-rested.

I’ll still have these trips on my mind, though. And that’s a good thing.

Rambling - Living An Authentic Life

I guess this post is in lieu of the last one that I posted yesterday about self-compassion. This is a topic that I have always struggled with, and for the past couple of days it’s hitting me harder than ever, and I don’t exactly know why.

Tonight it’s been hitting me again; the thoughts of inadequacy, not feeling good enough. Thus, here I am. Jotting these thoughts down in hopes to make some sense out of it. And perhaps to spur a conversation about it. Maybe talking about it with various people will help? I don’t know... But here we go.

These past few years have been the best years I could have ever asked for. I really can’t ask for more. I’m so grateful for everything and everyone. And yet I’m sitting here with lingering thoughts of inadequacy; thoughts that tell me that I’m not enough, or not cool enough to hang out with the crowd of friends that I have been so blessed with. Thoughts that are so trivial, like “Oh God, that one time they didn’t laugh at my joke, so they must think I’m stupid,” or “Why did you talk too much that one time? Keep your mouth shut!” 

Even as I type this out, I’m thinking “Somebody’s gonna think I’m weird” or “Somebody’s gonna think that I’m wanting attention,” which I can assure you that’s not the case. 

See? Right there. That tiny paragraph above this one is pretty much what goes on in my head during these “moments of shame” (this is what Brene Brown calls it in The Gifts of Imperfection, the book I’m reading). The constant need to defend myself (”I’m not doing this for attention, I swear!” or “I’m not weird, I promise!”), the constant need to choose my words/actions carefully so as to not seem weird/fit in. 

And then when all is said and done, I beat myself up for being “too fake.” And it all goes downhill from there. 

Even in moments of triumph, all of this happens.

I recently made my professional debut in a show called Paint Your Wagon. It was an absolute dream come true. I was performing at the theater where I’ve always gone to see shows. I was working with people that I have seen perform on that stage; people that I’ve idolized; people that have been on Broadway. I was getting paid. And then we took the show out to St. Paul, Minnesota. One of the most surreal and memorable experiences of my life. But during that time period, I was hesitant on talking about it too much, because I didn’t want anybody to think that I was bragging. And when I did talk about it, I did what I have always done: choose my words carefully and make EVERY EFFORT to express gratitude and humbleness, all the while not seeming like a douchebag. I did the same in front of my cast mates; because they were people that I have looked up to (and still do), I needed to try and not freak out. I chose my words and actions carefully. As time went on, I warmed up to them and finally let go of those restrictions. But even then, as I had mentioned in the previous post, one of them saw through the facade that I had attempted to put on. And thus The Gifts of Imperfection was introduced to me, but not before engaging in amazing conversation. 

I’m forever grateful for that experience, and the people that I did it with. It’ll always be a moment in time that I will never forget. But nothing can hold me back from thinking about those moments of shame. 

I said it before. I’ll say it again: it’s so exhausting. And yet I keep doing it. It’s very hard for me to let go of these habits. 

I still have work to do if I want to let go and live freely. 

Well... If you’ve read this far, thank you for taking time out of your day to read my complaints... Bahaha. And if you did read this entire thing, I’d LOVE to have a conversation about this. I just think that talking about this would really help. I’m sure that I’m not the only one who feels this way, and I would love to hear somebody else’s take on it. Or if you don’t, then I’d still love to have a conversation on what you think of this. 

Self-Compassion

I’ve never been very good at practicing this.

I always bombard myself with feelings of inadequacy. Even in moments of triumph, where I tell myself “Don’t talk about it too much or people will think you’re self-centered.” Or “You’re a tool. You don’t deserve this. Stop it, why are you being so high and mighty right now?” In those moments, I try SO HARD to not seem like a douche, and thus it creates a sense of false image, if that makes any sense. In other words, I feel like a fake in the sense that I have to TRY SO HARD to be humble about my victories, which then creates even more feelings of inadequacy.

As a result of my lack of self-compassion, I’m fighting for perfection. In conversations, I would try to create this script in my head so that I don’t sound stupid. I choose my words carefully so as to not turn anybody off. When I miss a word in said “script,” I get flustered and I stumble my words, which leads into thinking “Oh God, they think I’m weird.”  When I make a joke that I thought was funny and nobody laughs, I immediately turn to “Oh, they think I’m dumb.” 

Long story short, I’ve always been trying so hard to create a good image for myself. And instead of being happy of who I am and what I have, I constantly find and pick out each and every flaw that I can find, and correct them.

Quite frankly, it’s so exhausting. 

I’ve always kind of relied on the opinions of my friends to get me through the day. Which is why I’m always so active on social media; the likes, the comments, the validation. A little bit less so than my middle school self; I literally wouldn’t leave the house for an entire week because I was so enveloped in the cyber world. I think this is why theatre was so perfect for me; because I can completely open myself up, be a complete idiot, and not feel inadequate. I think it really helped me realize that being yourself is much less exhausting than being somebody you think that everyone will like. 

But even then, I still have a lot of work to do.

A fellow cast member from a show I did recently saw this in me in the work I’ve been doing as an actor; he saw the hesitation, the unwillingness to open up and just let go. We had a conversation about it, and a few days later, he gave me a book called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. I’ve slowly been trying to finish it, but this book has been absolutely amazing in addressing the exact same concerns that I have complained about above. It’s been a few weeks since I last picked it up, and I had just picked it up to try and finish it. Reading it again reminded me of those feelings of inadequacy, that I STILL feel to this day. It’s such an amazing book, however, and slowly but surely, I’m starting to feel a lot more freer and living a much more authentic life. 

Nobody’s perfect, and we all are human. I get that. It’s now a matter of fully realizing that and living life without having to remind myself of that.

When people complain about the new Instagram changes...

Are you still complaining about the numerous updates that Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Tumblr, YouTube, etc. went through?

Quit yer cryin’. You’ll deal with the new Insta updates.

MAY THE 4TH BE WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!