My Depression and Comics...
@steve_lieber had good tips for making comics while dealing with depression. I want to talk about making comics when depression wins.
Depression winning? Why talk about the failure? Because there will always be one. Because some of us will have to start over again. And again. And again. From absolute rock bottom failure. The thing is not everyone sees me climbing out of the quicksand. Many of my readers think I am constantly working and happily producing books. “That Jimmie is a lucky guy. He has a wonderful career.” They see me at the high points, but not at the extreme lows.
Working in comics is hard, there is no secret in that. Daily, weekly, monthly grinds are not uncommon. Stumble, even once, and the time lost will claw into your back like a chain whip. The comic creator, no matter what they do, will need stamina, energy, vision, talent, luck and above all… passion.
Depression is the opposite of passion.
This is about MY depression. No two people are alike in this situation, so I’m not talking in generalities here, I’m talking specifics. Mine.
As of this post, I am just now climbing out of major depressive episode. I really wish I knew what triggers it. Granted, I am going through some tough times, but I have been through tough (even tougher) times before. I did not fall apart then so why now? I can be working on a successful comic or a labor of love -- it doesn’t matter.
So let me tell you what happens when I do go through an episode and how I get back to creating comics when I find my feet again.
Trust me, this is hard for me to admit because it exposes my career to possible hardships. Nobody wants to hire a person who might have *issues*.
Low-grade depression is bad. As Steve Lieber noted, it can slowly choke your creativity and damage your work. Some creators have to run a constant marathon just to stay on track and keep the home fires burning. Steve has some great tips and advice.
But a major depressive episode is more like a knock out blow. It will stop me dead in my tracks. I will lose empathy, compassion, emotion, vitality, and self-worth. These are some of the fundamentals for working in comics. It’s not just the talent, because that varies with every creator, it’s the passion. A person can draw stick figures and still make a success if they have passion in their work.
If a person doesn’t even care about their career or even themselves then what is left? My depression is stupid. It’s like being paralyzed and being unable to speak. I KNOW I have a book due. I KNOW what I need to do. And yet, I can’t do it because there is no desire for it. No fire in my soul. Not for comics or anything. Not even for living.
In the last two weeks I wanted to just disappear. I wanted to end myself. I even googled the best, most effective, and easiest ways. The cruel double-edge sword of an episode of this magnitude is that even suicide is too much work.
Depression at this level is another form of being comatose. My close friends have seen me like this before. I can’t act. I can’t do anything. People will want to help me. Cheer me up. Take me out to events. Mostly I put on a face and I endure the experience. Depression is a real disorder. It hits at many levels. As Steve Lieber pointed out and as I am pointing out mine now.
I have talked with my doctor. I am on medication. I do what I can. My wife has seen my personality and spirit visibly slide off my face. It scares her. I am going back to the doctor again.
So, as a comic book creator what can I do when I fall off the edge?
First, there is nothing I can do at the deepest, darkest time. That is a given. I am gone. The only hope is that those around me don’t leave in disgust.
Second, when there is a glimmer of understanding, or any attempt to pull out of my hole of apathy, I try to do it gradually. Those around me might think I’m instantly better and deluge me with a heavy does of normality. Trust me, I am still anything but normal. Too much too soon and I might run right back into the hole.
Third, I don’t push the work. Instead I work on developing a routine. It doesn’t have to be a comic book routine, but I need something to grab onto to pull me back into the real world so I can start making comics.
Fourth, I keep to myself. I know some say get out there and explore the world, exercise, expand my horizons and break free from my regular environment. Not for me. I love what I do. My passion is on the page of the comics I make. If I am out too much I will resent being away from what I love the most. Making comics.
Once I have those things balanced then I am fine with adding other events to my life and social calendar. But being a comic creator is my anchor. I need that so my boat doesn’t drift off the edge of the map.
Also, once I have things in balance I can prepare for possible episodes. Like do an ENTIRE series before it is even solicited. That is my plan for the future. This way I can have the work done without worry of slipping off the edge.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this happens all the time. I can’t set my watch to it. Years can go by, or just a season, I don’t know what my trigger is. I try to keep my life and surroundings simple so there is less to deal with when I pick myself up. A pet is nice and I LOVE cats, but when I am off in la-la land the pet could suffer, which could add more stress. The same for my other belongings, I keep it streamlined. I am stripped down to my essentials. I’m a minimalist, my world can fit in a small trailer. You could even say I’m a perfect candidate for the Tiny Home movement.
So those are some of the things I do to keep my comic production rolling. It may not work for others because depression has a wide grasp, but it helps me. I encourage others who might be going through this to get help and find their path to dealing with depression. Mental Health is something we all need to be aware of, be it ourselves or in family members or friends.
Keep your home fires burning.
