Wrangler Of Boys

My house is mostly cleaned, my kids have had lunch, done their homework and chores, and are now *happily* playing video games together. I’m relaxing and dozing in and out on my bed. I’ve finished 2 articles today, and plan on doing another 2 before the end of the night.

It’s a good day.

I think the reason I’m having a better go at this SAHM life is because I’ve been out in the career field. I’ve done some jobs, even got as lucky as to find one that most dream of. But it wasn’t what I wanted. It might’ve been just my place of employment, but I’m happier at home.

I guess I just felt like there was more for me? But what’s more than caring for your family? I’ve finally accepted that being a stay at home mom IS for me and something to be proud of.

I am now happily a stay at home mom again! I do contract work for a local marketing company. They assign me topics, and I write blogs. Generally I get 5-7 a week, each takes a hour, and I get paid $20/hour. It’s perfect. I’m hoping to get an average of 10 a week soon, and will be emailing them and seeing about more work. But they love my work, give constructive criticism, and encourage me. It’s amazing. I fluffed it up to Josh when I quit but I don’t care. He assumed I was doing transcribing or some other stay at home job that’s not “legit”.

We’ve also decided to move to Vermont!! I can’t stop thinking about it. We’re making plans and getting ideas of what to do and all that. It’s exciting. Even the boys are ok with it, for now anyway lol.

Quick update - Joe passed on the job from bassco. He got a significant raise that allows for me to quit my job and be a SAHM again. My last day is the 18th. It’s been literal hell, but I’m pushing through. Soon I’ll be able to put that place in my rear view mirror and move on. I’m trying to leave on good terms so I can go back for tattoos haha. It’s so hard though. Josh has taken everything from me, revoked access to my normal daily tasks. So I have nothing to do. I literally sit at work and do nothing. I might even bring a book with me on Monday. It’s ridiculous.

Kid wise everyone is...ok. We’re dealing with bullying. And by that I mean MY kids are bullying a kid, and they don’t even understand why or how it’s wrong. So they’re spending the weekend doing hard labor chores. They did it last weekend too and they still keep doing it! It’s extremely frustrating and disappointing.

Personally I’m ok. I can’t wait to be done with my job and back at home. I’m back on my witchy bullshit but haven’t told joe because last time it caused so much fighting. I’m not sure how to keep this a secret and I hate that I have to. Oh well, I guess. We’re making plans to fix up our credit once we work ourselves out of immediate debt (2k pge bill, 2 months behind on the car payment, 2 car registrations...) so we can buy a house. We might get a USDA loan and get a house in a rural area. I personally just want to leave Stockton.

That’s all I can think of right now!

Joe texted the guy, Chuck, about the job in Florida and said he wanted it. He texted back that he’ll pas Joes contact info to the hiring guy. And that he’d probably need to email his resume or something, and joe freaked out. He instantly said he probably wasn’t going to get it now. I told him it’s just a formality. Why would this guy hunt joe down (he got joes number from an ex coworker) and tell him about these job openings if he didn’t think he’d get it? That’s just cruel lol. So I’m sure there’s got to be some kind of formality to it.

I just hope this old guy that took joe almost 2 weeks to get a hold of since the intial phone conversation doesn’t take 2 more weeks to give joes info to someone. I’m ready to get this rolling ASAP. I want to know where we’re going, when joes going to Texas, and for how long. I want to make a plan of action. I’ve already started one, actually lol. BUT I’m not gonna push it and cause it to fall through some how. So. I’m trying to be patient.

Trying.

Since Joe found out about the job in Florida, it’s all I can think about. I hope it doesn’t fall through.

I just want health care, have WLS, be super fit and happy, and spend our days with the kids on the beach every weekend. I want to be comfortable. I’m tired of drowning. We can’t get ahead here, and I can’t take it anymore.

I asked for a trial separation last night. Things got intense, but to spare the horrible details he agreed. I’ll be staying at a friends house that lives around the corner, so I won’t be far from the boys.

I’m struggling. I’m not sure if what I’m doing is right or wrong. I’m not sure if I want this but I’m not sure I don’t. I’m so confused and hurt and broken and I want to go running back into his arms so badly. But I know we need this time apart. Our relationship is just so so toxic. I’m tired of hating my life. I don’t know if things will work out, I hope they do. I don’t want to end our marriage. It scares me beyond anything. But at the same time I’m tired of the pain he causes me, and the pain I cause him. I’m tired of the pain we cause our children. We’re still going to go to our counseling appointment. I said I wanted a week away from him. He reluctantly agreed because he feels no matter what, I’ll ask for a divorce. I’m not going to. I don’t think so anyway...not yet. I want to really try to fix things, and if after I come back home and after the appointment things are still the same...then I’ll know it’s truly unsavable.