One Day at a Time

I ordered some stuff from someone I met years ago on here. It's been over 2 months. No product, no refund. I hate bothering people but I'm getting so angry about it. I want to complain about it to someone just to get it off my chest but I realized today the last friend I had isn't really my friend I guess so I came here.

This probably won't help but whatever.

Today's day three on Prozac and I'm feeling surprisingly okay. I don't know that I'm feeling like super happy or anything but I am not having anywhere near the amount of side effects as I was with wellbutrin. With Wellbutrin I was getting headaches feeling dizzy and just really tired at least the first few days so saying that I feel good this time around is really nice. I was expecting to feel off for at least a week.

In other news Connor had his eye check up today. Had to get his eyes dilated when she was not a fan of but everything else went good. He did end up with a small prescription change which kind of sucks because I may have gone a little overboard and he has six pairs of glasses and five of them are his favorite so I'm going to pick two or three pairs and have them done at a time. We order our kids glasses from a company called kids bright eyes and it will only be $55 to get each set of lenses remade so it's really not terrible. After Connor's eye exam we had to take my husband's car to the dealership because his power steering went out yesterday. Definitely not something that we were planning for definitely not something we could really afford right now it looks like it's a very expensive repair depending on what it ends up actually needing. I am so tired of bad expensive things happening it always seems to be one right after the other right after the other. We literally just had to pay $300 to get our washing machine fixed a couple of days ago. We're also just getting started on a bankruptcy 🙄 the pandemic really messed up so much stuff for us for a lot of people I know but for us it was mostly cash flow. And at this point I don't feel like anybody's ever going to catch up. My husband works for one of the big three and he has only gotten 40 hours probably less than five times this past year. It makes it really hard to pay your bills when you can't even get a full 40 at work. I feel like they sent him home 2 or 3 days a week because they don't have enough microchips to put in the vehicles I don't know if anything is ever going to go back to normal at this point.

Wellbutrin started off okay ish, I thought I was doing okay but on the 8th day or so I realized that I was getting incredibly angry, uncontrollably angry, over absolutely nothing so I called the doctor's office and they told me to stop taking it and today they decided to give me Prozac and see how that works so fingers crossed that this will workout for me.

I will say that I haven't had any sudden bursts of crying or sadness like I would normally I don't know if it's too soon to say that it was the medication or if I'm just having a better week but it was kind of nice to not feel incredibly sad and anxious. I definitely do still feel super anxious but not overwhelmingly so.

I was supposed to start seeing a therapist this coming Wednesday but one of my biggest issues anxiety-wise is the constant crippling fear that something is going to happen to one of my children. When anything is wrong I assume it's the worst and something terrible is going to happen if we have to go somewhere in the snow I just know that we're going to get into a car accident and die I don't know why my brain thinks like this but it does and I am constantly terrified of the thought that something's going to happen to me or my husband or my children. Well the therapist that I was supposed to meet has a child that has leukemia and I didn't think it was a great idea to go into her office crying about the possibility that one of my healthy children could die while that's something she very well may have to face so I asked the doctor today what she thought I should do and she thought it would probably be best for me to see somebody else just because I already was hesitant about seeing this person so now I don't have to go in until May 16th to see somebody else. I'm a little bit relieved and a little bit sad because I was kind of looking forward to getting started but relieved because now I don't have that thought in the back of my head and I'm not worried about making the therapist sad.

In other news, I know I haven't updated here in a super duper long time and I don't know if I'm just talking to myself at this point LOL but Connor is going to be three in just over a month he is currently receiving speech therapy from the school district which he really seems to like and is pretty excited about. We are supposed to return to private speech therapy but I'm kind of putting it off because the place that we go to is nearly an hour away depending on traffic and I just haven't felt like doing anything probably because of the depression and anxiety but maybe I will call and schedule that over the summer so that he doesn't have to go without services. Olivia is in young fives at school. She's doing really good our only issue is that she absolutely does not want to learn how to read. Her teacher thinks that it's because she is not confident in herself she tells us that she would rather make up the stories on her own rather than read them either way trying to get her to do her reading lessons is really really hard. She gets sent home with five books a week and she is supposed to just read them at least a couple of them independently or to us at least three or four times during the 7-Day period that she has them they're really simple books mostly sight words, she does know most of her sight words but when she sees words on a page as opposed to on a flash card she gets incredibly confused and jumbles it up and then doesn't want to do it at all. I have no idea how to get her excited about reading I don't know how to get her to want to do it I don't know how to make it fun. We read all kinds of books together but she does not want to do this and I can't really blame her because I feel like young fives is a little bit early to be so focused on learning to read when my oldest wasn't expected to know how to read until she was in second grade. I think it will happen when it happens but that's not how schools are these days I guess. So if anybody has any tips on how to teach a reluctant 5-year-old to read that would be fantastic.

My oldest is almost 17 now she has a boyfriend and a job and is doing virtual School because she does much better at home than she ever did in person School, we are just hanging in there waiting for next year it'll be her last year and then we can finally be done arguing about school and grades and hopefully try to figure out where her life is headed. She doesn't want to go to college which is fine but she also doesn't know what she wants to do at all. She thought about going to school to be a vet tech but they don't really pay much more than what she's making now so I think she's just going to see what's out there when the time comes. I just don't want her to struggle unnecessarily. I was always a person that had a job and not a career and kind of sucked to be honest. I've been a stay-at-home mom for around 4:00 almost 5 years now and I have no idea still what I want to do when the time comes for me to go back to work and it stresses me the hell out.

Couple of weeks ago I made an appointment to ask about anxiety and depression meds. It's taken me a long time to make that happen. Today is day 3 on Wellbutrin. I'm really hopeful and excited but I have no one to tell so I'm telling you. I'm so excited at the prospect of not being stressed and crying all the time.

Olivia starts young fives tomorrow and I am beyond sad. I'm not ready but she needs this. She's been so sad, wishing for friends her age. I've spent exactly 2 nights away from her. We've spent nearly every single day of her life together and I know that school changes everything. It happened with my oldest. It'll happen here. And someday it'll happen to Connor. They leave your baby and come home some older, different version of themselves knowing stuff you didn't teach them , words you didn't show them, knowing new people you don't know. It sucks and I'm sad.

I really really miss the community that Tumblr was for me once upon a time. This last year is breaking me.

I keep trying to come back but I never know what to say. I miss it here.

I miss normal life. Parts of it anyways.

My kids don't know other kids. Liv cried to me that she has no friends, no one to play with. Lex lost all her friends over quarantine. Every single one. She's grown so used to laying in bed watching TV and being alone. Before the pandemic we couldn't keep her home. It was one of our biggest fights. Over summer 2019 she spent weeks at friends houses. We never saw her. Now she only talks to us. It's sad. They've missed out on and lost so much.

Connor doesn't talk yet. He's 20 months. I thought he was starting to but really he isnt. Be says ma all day, especially if I'm out of sight. He cries for dada when he wants him. He says tickle tickle when when he tickles his sister's.but that's about it. I don't know if it's a younger sibling thing, Liv talks constantly so be doesn't get a chance. We usually know what he wants right away so he doesn't really have to use words. Or maybe I'm making excuses. Some websites say it's normal for boys, or it's normal for those who do attachment parenting, or it's normal for kids with vision issues. Idk.

I've been not working this whole year. I was meant to start up again the weekend michigan shut down and I haven't done a thing since. Rob's been working a decent amount of overtime, til the last couple weeks. We were relying on the stimulus but ours was one of the ones that didn't come. Thanks irs. I move been home so long I feel like I don't remember how to work. I do gig jobs. Most recently, Amazon. I check the schedule now and then but haven't tried to get back into it. Its been over a year now since I've worked and the anxiety makes me super nervous to hop back in now even though I know I'll need to soon but when am I even supposed to? Lex is always home but hates to babysit. Her and Liv fight like crazy. She's good with Connor though but Liv makes it harder.

I just wish things were normal again.

Tumblr, I'm scared. I wasn't at first but I am now. My old co-worker, an EMT and firefighter, is on life support. His partner just woke up from a medically induced coma, his fiance and son have it. My sister and her son have it. Friends and family members have things they need and can't find and my urge to go find these items is killing me because I can't. I can't risk my kids to help you. The hospital down the road just became the covid19 dedicated hospital/ICU. Our hospitals are absolutely swamped. I am so afraid to accidentally let this virus into my home. My teenager is on the verge of depression, doesn't totally get it i think. My 3 year old just wants to go to the park and Target. Thankfully the baby doesn't know or care although he now probably doesn't get a birthday party. My husband is home, so that's nice. The kids love it. We are cooking and coloring and watching movies together. Lots of bonding that I'm so grateful for but I can't forget that the reason for this is so sad and scary. I know a lot of people get it and make it through but that doesn't make the possibility of what could happen any less terrifying.

I've been dealing with sick kids on my own all week while my husband sleeps alone, unbothered in another room, but he's the one that's tired and can't get out of bed yet. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Sitting in the kitchen at my mom's, with my mom and her husband's first wife. I don't think I'd be able to do that lol

I married a man with no immune system and has 2 kids with him. He brought some awful cold home, he's been sick over a week. We made sure he hasn't touched the kids, slept in another room and they still got sick m. Liv's on day 3 today will be day 2 for Connor and my throat is starting to burn. I want help, one sick kid is sucky but 2? Wth did I sign up for? I'm so tired. And now connor is wide awake. 😭

Teenagers suck. I feel like my little angel died and was resurrected as a demon. Seriously. Like it's so fucking hard. Everything I do is wrong. She just hates me so much.