it is actually really sweet when someone stays up late to talk to you

William Shakespeare (via ora-le)

He’s just mad because he can’t acquire all the apple juice that I’m acquiring. (x)

One time I was playing The Sims. My kid had a soccer game, and while the teams were huddled up, I changed to buy mode and put washing machines around the opposing team, enclosing them within their detergent scented prison. Thanks to my ingenious strategy, my child’s team was able to take the ball from the opposite goalie and score repeatedly. By the time the clock ran out, we were up 46-0, and the opposing team was sobbing in puddles of their own piss. I am the best soccer mom.

PARENTING

how was everyone’s easter???

i fucked an egg

When I saw you I couldn’t help but think that you looked like heaven. And I felt like hell.

"i shouldn’t eat this" I say as I shove it into my mouth

if u watch closely while i take tests u can see me mouthing profanity at the test paper

accidentally forgetting your earbuds at home is like accidentally leaving your first born child at the gates of hell

~