The Day The End Ended
It was no good from the very beginning, we all knew that. But we let it happen anyway. Why? Because we didn’t know when enough was enough. And the people- THE PEOPLE! The people’s awe was like an 8-ball of cocaine leaf-blown directly into our desperate noses. So we let the madness continue. And then, in some twisted smite-from-above, it all stopped. The scene was an egregiously oversold stadium arena, and the show was in full force. First, Chris’ bungee cable snapped while he was being pendulum-swung over the crowd with this bomb-for-a-backpack jetpack, landing in the middle of the sardine can of bodies that was the audience. The result was at least three bodies that still haven’t been located and dozens more dead, burning, screaming, explosively amputated and otherwise afflicted individuals, trapped inside a mob of onlookers and fans. Chris was completely blown away but for his shoes, one of which was confiscated from an audience member trying to leave the scene. As the explosion settled and the sardines became stampeding herds of bison, the tragic became the absurd. The explosion was pretty fucking massive. It shook things up a bit. A metal support beam covered with overhead lighting gear snapped and crushed about 20 audience members, a huge chunk of the stage, Joey’s entire body but for his left arm, and JC’s right leg below the knee, not that he’d need it for much longer. That massive crash only made things worse. The absurd became a true demon’s midnight wishes. The suspension on the giant obnoxious stage-piece claymore we had hanging over the stage snapped, and JC’s body was completely pulverized by its impact into the stage, leaving only his right hand and head intact. As the blade careened downward, it tilted into another set of fireworks and pyrotechnics that were being saved for the finale, which naturally erupted. Lance got launched all the way across the arena, and was impaled on one of six large light fixtures that glowed neon blue and had sharp glass spikes poking out. When the scene was being cleared, they found a 16-year-old girl sitting directly under it, staring at him, soaked head to toe in his dripping blood. She still hasn’t spoken since that day. As if this wasn’t enough of a shock already, what came next was equal parts insane, impressive, and mortifying. The second explosion shorted the wiring to the giant animatronic T. Rex that Justin was currently hiding under. It started going haywire, flailing, twisting, biting at the air…and then in some message from an angry God, it turned downward, blasted it’s face-mounted flamethrowers- coating Justin in tip-defrosting flames- and then reached down and clamped off Justin’s freshly cooked skull with its giant steel jaws. The tigers getting loose and stacking at least 8 more tallies to the body count didn’t get as much airplay in the media. Unsurprisingly, nor did the fact that the confetti dispensers burst open and rained flaming confetti on hundreds. After the Roborex made its ascension to stage dominance, it blasted the sky with some more fire, resulting in the napalm rain. And where was I for the death of N*SYNC at the hand of “God?” Well, I was in the control tower, holding the controller for the giant Robot dinosaur that “malfunctioned.” Wait, who put those quotations there? Oh, shi-
Yeah, I don’t really know what to tell you here. The song and the story are…well, I got here, and I liked it here, so I stayed. #dealwithit
