a list of things that actually happen in the soviet lord of the rings movie:
- there’s a VERY 90s looking narrator who only speaks a handful of times, and is often shown silently staring into the camera
- the ringwraiths have a kickass synth theme
- the hobbits are the same size as everyone else EXCEPT tom bombadil and goldberry, who are giants
- the hobbits’ legs are hairy up to their knees
- gandalf wears this:
- bilbo is overtaken by greed for the ring, gandalf stands up and waves his hands as disco music plays, and bilbo is cured
- déagol has a fake mullet
- gollum is just sméagol but really green. whever he’s on screen the soundtrack turns into gurgling noises, growling, and rhythmic laughter
- sam’s eyebrows look like this:
- the barrow wight looks like this:
- frodo tries to threaten aragorn
- the ringwraiths stab frodo and just fucking run away?? aragorn is nowhere in sight despite vowing to protect frodo with his life literally one scene prior
- there is one shot of court jesters who join the council of elrond and are never seen again
- saruman has one of the best evil laughs i’ve ever heard and also tiny orcs are dancing at the bottom of the screen during that scene
- gwaihir the eagle lord appears to be a stuffed animal that gandalf rides through the magic of terrible special effects
- elrond has a beard
- legolas is played by a woman. he has no lines that i remember
- they use gimli as a fucking table. this is the most he contributes to the plot, considering he has maybe two lines total
- boromir is basically painted as an antagonist
- they get chased by warg puppets
- legolas’ and aragorn’s swords appear to be made of tinfoil
- the orcs trying to kill them are visibly cracking up and the sound cuts out, so i can only assume they were laughing
- gandalf dies from the orcs, is shown crossing the bridge afterwards, and disappears again when aragorn does a headcount
- pippin becomes hypnotized by an elf woman ringing a very small bell
- sauron is shown at the very end in the mirror of galadriel as a human eye. it’s brown and otherwise completely unremarkable
