an ode to my heart - 

when trust is the fuel for tenderness until the hood slips off to reveal itself for callousness greedy for your softest parts

when it’s hedonism; sometimes you invite it in, other times you kiss it at the door, and the final time turn around, walk yourself home, and cradle yourself in bed

when this vulnerability, this care, is the strongest thing about you, remember to stretch out and take up some space for yourself, too

hi its 2018 i’m bi/polar/sexual

i need people and purpose in my life. For a while, I didnt have much of either this week. But today was a good day. Bowling and scary movies. You looked kinda sad about interviews

I was happy i got to sit by you, we would be leaning towards each other but not quite, sometimes knees touching. Readjusting a ton, crossing uncrossing legs because the couch was uncomfortable. Just leaning towards each other just slightly. Freaking out about crazy scenes in the movie

When you would grab me to tell me i had to watch the movie playfully, I dunno, just nice kind things. Comforting things that make me realize i really really really missed you smh

I'm so much better than i was before. But I don't know what to do when better moves backwards. When smiling feels like a deadlift, when there is nowhere for me to exhale, inhale again, i don't ever want to feel like this again. like unwashed hair and indigestion. like avoiding eye contact all the way home. like burrowing into blankets and letting everyone down. i wish i knew how to fight when i felt powerless.

But here i am again, dreaming about the arms of people i care about, but also how easy it would be to get lost in the arms of people i don't. How even with the people I've felt the safest with, I've never not felt some sort of shame. I'm still tight rope walking without a safety net. I dont get any of your inside jokes.

Something about you is so earnest, sincere. From the first conversation about films and wanting to be white and that first semester i didn't think i'd get through without you. Encouraging me to try harder, be better. I did cry when you made fun of me for getting rejected from certain schools and that night you held my hand when we were walking back to your place. We literally slept together once, shared a bed but i didnt want to kiss you or sacrifice a friendship. And what a friendship: you walking to mcdonalds to buy me food, drinking mixer and thinking we were drunk at that halloween party, you getting in between me and that creepy guy dressed in a banana. When you called me your best friend at a party. Ranting about dumb flings, classes, internships. My partner in crime but only almost, because you're trying to leave this dinky town behind and going to do bigger and better things and i want to see you do bigger/better things. I wish we didnt drift this semester. But i couldnt help but feel a little bit more at the concert the other night and i just want to acknowledge the brief magical moments i did get to hold your hand and pull you closer to the front with me, i didnt want to forget so i'm writing about it here

My emotional CPU is so slow i'm still processing freshman year

I dont know how to negotiate feeling like a freak or feeling like garbage when your parents hit you or slap you or yell at you w that being a part of asian culture when all your friends are white and the only example you have to relate to is a paperback copy as a child called it.

thinking about all the little things that brought me joy when i wanted to die and i cry a little

this is a would-be sober sleepy text

i’m a lil’ delirious because i’ve been up kinda late for a couple consecutive nights, but thinking about your voice and the rise and fall of your chest and your arms wrapped around me makes me feel so....calm...happy...safe..and i can’t stop thinking about you while i’m trying to fall asleep. i love you.

online haunts

1. plentyoffish, chatroulette, omegle - temporary validation

2. personal tumblrs, high school tags, facebook messages between crushes, private email accounts

it was so lonely back then

1. hurting is easier than healing, and i’m so tired.

2. i forgot to call my dad // i’m forgetting my current house address // i’m forgetting what the apartment i lived in for the first thirteen years of my life looked like

3. i don’t cry as much these days

where am i and why am i doing any of this?

I’m an emotional hoe

And every half hour in the shadows of your car is a slice of slow-cooked, simmering bliss. Home, for a moment, is when you pull me closer, with a newfound sense of urgency, when your mouth is at my neck, when you ask me, "long day at work?" When you whisper the absolutely sweetest nothings into my ear, and we're just trying to carry each other to the end, and I'm just smiling at you with my eyes half-closed and my fingertips tracing your forearm

We started slowly, holding hands. I missed you and the potential we would have had if you didn’t move away. But for now, small things I don’t want to forget, you playing with sand and covering your feet with it, you, constantly rearranging the sand, you, when you’re pensive and put your left index finger on your chin in thought, you, with your neon orange shoelaces, and your glasses, which you took off and neatly folded into the towel, and your hair and ears and neck and collarbone, which was peeking out because you left the top few buttons of your shirt unbuttoned, and your arms, which pulled me in closer. And your hands, roaming, but always cautious, kind? Gentle tugging the hem of my shirt back down after it had risen. The feeling of your hands on my face, my neck, leaving invisible handprints I still daydream about

Something better than the feeling between your legs: curled up with my head on your chest, listening to the waves, and staring at the sky. tracing lazy circles on your forearm. you, pulling me in closer, you, gently placing your hand on my neck, you, making me feel wanted in the simplest, sweetest way