That feeling of rejection was far too all encompassing to put into words. It pooled in her cheeks, pulsed down her back. It was hot, it was too hot. It made her want to forget every piece of her sorry existence. It took a few minutes to settle, and then it felt like shame. Disappointment, but only in herself. It washed down her cheeks, replacing the heat with ice. And then there was only hollow.
Only that empty familiar feeling that felt like home. Not a good home. But the only one she knew.
There it was, right on time. The tears decided to slip in about twenty minutes after the initial shock. Funny how long it took for them to process. She was pretty good at holding them in, in front of people. It didn't stop her from getting snappy.
Her chest felt tight. Like those moments before a heart palpitation. It had been about thirty minutes. This was ingraining itself in her. Yes, that's what was happening. It was seeping through her skin into her bones and her organs. It would poison her blood, that insecurity that fed off of each rejection. It was running through her veins now. It sang with right. Because it was right. It had always been right. Each rejection felt like new pain for a moment, but it was really just affirmation of the truth she already knew.
In her blood, the insecurity glowed. It thrived. It fed.
It knew it could soak up these moments and feed them back later, when the confidence tried to rear its head. That force in her veins had so many of these. So many rejections it could cycle through to remind her of the truth. Keep her grounded. Confidence couldn't do that. Joy couldn't do that. Love definitely couldn't do that. All of those were not grounding. They were liabilities.
But the insecurity was grounding. It was home, it was safe. If they know the truth, then they cannot be hurt. If they accept the truth, then they cannot get hope. Because hope is the biggest liability of all.
