@1940sdeancas / 1940sdeancas.tumblr.com
Off to the second day of Minncon! I met a lot of lovely people yesterday, and I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to hear your stories. :)
If you happen to run into me, please say hi! I’ll be there probably till about late afternoon today (returning tomorrow), but if you need someone to talk to about whatever you’re going through, I just wanted to put it out there that I’m available and very much willing to listen.
Happy con-going!
Hey all, I’m sorry for the lack of content lately. I do have some stuff in the works that I’ll be posting in the future and hope to truly get this blog up and active, but wanted to let you know that I’ll actually be at the Supernatural Minneapolis convention this weekend. Not for the convention and its activities, but just to chat with people and hopefully forge some new connections.
After hearing so many heartbreaking stories of fans’ struggles with depression and suicide, it became all too clear to me that there’s a very real need for people to be able to share their stories and have someone come alongside them and support them. If you need someone to talk to this weekend, come seek me out (my shirt is brown if you can’t tell from the picture)! I’ve had my own share of struggles, too, and know how lonely it can feel when you’re in a place of darkness with little hope. My name’s Laura. :)
Have fun this weekend, but more importantly, be safe and take care of yourselves, physically and emotionally!
In case anyone still following this blog is going to Minncon this weekend...
Especially after seeing some of the responses on the post I made back in September, it’s been on my heart for some time to create a platform for people to talk about escapism. My hope is that by generating more awareness around the issue and discussing escapism in depth, then maybe the stigma associated with it (e.g., fearing that others will only see it as a silly obsession) will diminish, allowing people to feel more comfortable about opening up about their own struggles and reaching out for help.
I get it. We all come to Tumblr to escape. There’s nothing wrong with that in of itself. But if escapism is something that has been taking away from your life more than it’s been adding to it, I want you to know that you are far from the only one who wrestles with that.
I totally understand if your instinct is to sweep it under the rug and ignore it. It’s not an easy subject to tackle, and I know how vulnerable it can feel to have to take an honest look inside yourself. But if you’re truly hurting and you’re trying to hide all that pain by escaping into some other world, can you really afford to keep yourself locked away for much longer?
If the above video or any of the posts on @thenotsogreatescape hit a chord for you, feel free to reach out to me with any questions or if you just need to talk to someone. And even if escapism isn’t something that you struggle with, chances are someone who follows you does, so I appreciate any reblogs for visibility.
Take care. <3
Especially after seeing some of the responses on the post I made back in September, it’s been on my heart for some time to create a platform for people to talk about escapism. My hope is that by generating more awareness around the issue and discussing escapism in depth, then maybe the stigma associated with it (e.g., fearing that others will only see it as a silly obsession) will diminish, allowing people to feel more comfortable about opening up about their own struggles and reaching out for help.
I get it. We all come to Tumblr to escape. There’s nothing wrong with that in of itself. But if escapism is something that has been taking away from your life more than it’s been adding to it, I want you to know that you are far from the only one who wrestles with that.
I totally understand if your instinct is to sweep it under the rug and ignore it. It’s not an easy subject to tackle, and I know how vulnerable it can feel to have to take an honest look inside yourself. But if you’re truly hurting and you’re trying to hide all that pain by escaping into some other world, can you really afford to keep yourself locked away for much longer?
If the above video or any of the posts on @thenotsogreatescape hit a chord for you, feel free to reach out to me with any questions or if you just need to talk to someone. And even if escapism isn’t something that you struggle with, chances are someone who follows you does, so I appreciate any reblogs for visibility.
Take care. <3
I think as painful as it is, when a member of the cast or crew says that a ship isn’t real, it’s important to take a step back and analyze why these moments are so upsetting.
I don’t watch the show anymore, nor do I participate in fandom any longer (although I do still follow a couple of SPN-related blogs), but as a former diehard Destiel shipper, hearing things like this absolutely crushed me, too. My instinct was to shut out all the negativity and confine myself to this bubble of happiness, usually with loads of fluffy fanfic. However, it seemed like the more I tried to shut it out, the harder it got.
It wasn’t until later that I realized I took those kind of statements so personally because I had put my heart and soul into this ship and was looking to Destiel as a way to fill a void within me. I was looking to the lives of fictional characters to complete the part of me that I hadn’t been successful at in reality, the part of me that had sworn off most human interaction because I’d experienced too much pain in real life relationships.
I realized it wasn’t about my ship needing to be validated; it was about me needing to be validated. And so when Jensen or whoever said that kind of stuff, I falsely interpreted it as a rejection of who I was. That’s why it hurt so badly.
I’m not saying that’s the case for everybody, but I felt I should say something despite not being in the fandom anymore in case it helps other people process what they’re feeling.
Take care of yourself. <3
I hope you do find someone to tell your story to. But I hope it’s someone who can come along aside you. I hope it’s someone who can offer more than a smile or forced platitudes, more than a mere acknowledgement of your existence for only a few brief moments of your life. I hope you find people who can share in your struggles; people who can actually reciprocate your very human and very real need to bond and form deep relationships with others. I hope that you find people who will still be there when you’re lost in the darkness—the kind that won’t just shine their lights from afar, offering limited comfort, but those who will meet you in your place of brokenness; those who can hold you up by the shoulders as you walk down that long and winding road towards something better.
I hope, as much as you may deem these guys to be a source of inspiration, that you come to the realization that you’re more than you give yourself credit for. I hope you realize that you’re the one who decides to keep fighting; that you’re the one who chooses to stay strong. I hope you get angry at what depression and anxiety have taken from you. I hope that anger fuels you to take those steps towards taking back your life.
And because of this, I hope you realize that you can be an inspiration. I hope that when you share your story with others, it turns a story of defeat into a story of triumph. I hope that someday, your story will be a source of comfort for others, for as we share in each other’s pain, we can also share in each other’s comfort.
But even if you aren’t at that point yet, I hope that you know you’re enough just as you are. I hope that you know that the validity of your feelings, experiences, and/or identity aren’t contingent upon another person. I hope that you know, regardless of all the words that go unsaid when you meet your faves face-to-face, regardless of whether you ever get the chance to meet them, that you are still important.
And that you are still loved.
Hey there,
Before I respond, just wanted to note that I kept you anonymous as I thought I should broach the topic publicly (in case there are others who reacted similarly) and I wasn’t sure if you were comfortable releasing your URL. Also, not sure if you intended to send three asks, but I only received the two.
I’m sorry if my post did come across as judgmental in any fashion; it wasn’t my intention to imply that fandom culture in general is a bad thing, nor to imply that people who are depressed should disband from fandom if being involved in fandom is to their benefit. As you point out, there are positive things about fandom: it can bolster creativity, build new friendships—and I totally agree that it fosters an environment where people can more openly talk about mental health issues and seek out related resources. I also agree that it’s different for every person, and that you have to do what’s best for your own well-being.
Rather, my intention was to focus on the escapist aspect of fandom, specifically situations where people have found that escapism has done them more harm than good. Because while discussion of mental health abounds in fandom circles, in my experience, nothing about the negative effects of escapism has ever been addressed. Even doing a Google search for escapism support groups and the like doesn’t produce anything substantial (part of it may be because the definition of escapism itself is highly subjective, but that’s an entirely separate matter). That it isn’t more widely-acknowledged is honestly really strange to me, because although advances in technology connects us in ways we would have never previously imagined, it also allows us to become more secluded in other ways. The purpose of my post, in addition to explain what’s been going on in my own life, was to reach out to people who had found themselves in a similar place—the people who feel isolated and realize that focusing on the fictional isn’t cutting it as a means of dealing with life anymore, but yet feel trapped and alone because they have no idea where to go from that realization. Certainly, there are a multitude of options out there that will help people with their depression, anxiety, etc., but I feel that the escapist aspect of it is still largely ignored. And while it’s not the crux of the problem, I think that it’s important to recognize that this is something that some people may be struggling with, and this is for two reasons: 1) it’s difficult to talk about personal struggles with escapism in an environment (i.e., fandom) where escapist activity is encouraged (keeping in mind that not all escapism is bad, but it can be for some people if used as a way to avoid reality for prolonged periods of time), and 2) it’s also difficult to talk about struggling with escapism with people outside of fandom, because there may be a fear that they may not understand or be willing to understand that type of behavior. So even though there is a platform for mental health awareness within fandom, there can be an added layer of difficulty for those who engage in the unhealthy type of escapist behavior because if those kind of struggles are never brought into the light, then there may be a tendency (or maybe a helpless resignation) to continue that kind of escapist behavior rather than trying to overcome it because it may not seem like there’s anyone they can talk to about this specific issue.
You may or may not have noticed that there's been a lack of content on my blog in the past couple weeks…well, there's a big reason for that. I've been doing a lot of reflection on the current state of my life and the direction I want to be heading towards—something over which I've been at war with myself for a long while now—and although I don't envision myself detaching entirely from the Tumblr community, I think the time's come where I need to move on from Supernatural.
My decision has nothing to do with the show, the actors, or the fandom in of itself. I've been lucky enough to avoid negativity/hate for the most part, and I've met some pretty darn amazing people because of Supernatural, fans and actors alike. I'll always hold those experiences close to my heart. My reason for leaving has more to do with the fact that I've allowed the show to have a much stronger hold on my life than what's healthy, and I haven't really been living because of it.
Point blank, I'm fed up with being someone who does little more than exist on this planet.
I'm an introvert. I don't make friends easily. And when I do have relationships, they run deep. I am someone who feels emotions wholly; compassion, understanding, and sensitivity to others are among my stronger personality traits. Packaged with a predisposition to depression and anxiety, I've never been able to deal with change and/or loss of a relationship very well. I won't go into the details, but after experiencing hurt, rejection and betrayal on multiple occasions, I shut down and cut myself off from others completely, and I did it by escaping to the fictional realm—because at least then, I had a sense of control. It gave me the benefit of experiencing emotions vicariously through fictional relationships but without the pain of real ones.
For a while, I was comfortable and complacent in that place. The outside world no longer mattered. But over the years, remaining in that place made me cold and callous, and whoever I used to be, whatever dreams I had for the future, were suppressed and buried. My own growth had stagnated in my emotional stasis, and I eventually realized that my life was atrophying, slipping right through my fingers. The more unfortunate matter is that I had also become stubborn, refusing to move forward and out of that place because, quite frankly, it terrified me. I knew that the moment I opened my eyes and tried to step outside of the fantasy bubble I'd created for myself, I'd be staring into this black, gaping abyss with no idea how I was ever going to pull myself out of it, especially since I didn't know who to trust.
I'm sure there are fans who've dealt with similar situations far better than I, but when you look beyond the surface, it doesn't take much to see that the SPN fandom is a largely unhappy place. There's a lot of good that's come out of it, too—there's no denying that, either—and that J2M have been running campaigns to raise awareness of mental health issues and setting up a crisis network to respond to those kind of needs still completely blows my mind. But there's a correlation here that no one seems to be willing and/or informed of the situation enough to broach: perhaps there are so many depressed people within the fandom (and fandom culture in general) because we're looking to the medium, the characters and the actors as a way to escape an undesirable reality, and in turn, by essentially substituting the real world with an imaginary one, the depression is never truly addressed, thus propelling the downward spiral.
Granted, escapism is only a coping mechanism, not the root of the problem. I would also be remiss not to acknowledge that there are healthy forms of escapism. Sometimes we simply need a little reprieve from our daily lives, whether that be watching a movie, playing a game, reading a book, or partaking in any kind of hobby for a short while. But that's not the type of escapism I'm talking about here; I'm talking about the type that evolves into prolonged evasion, the type that limits or prevents us from functioning in our normal lives because it's more or less a form of addiction. And at the core of it, I think one of the main reasons why a good chunk of this fandom is so unhappy—why I've been so unhappy—is because some of us are looking to fulfill a deeper need that the instant gratification of fantasy cannot and will not ever come close to satisfying. You can go as far as meeting the actors and having conversations with them, but at the end of the day, they can't give us what we're looking for. Not really. And we likely already recognize that to some extent, but when it comes to what we feel in our hearts, because they've made such an impact on our lives, often there's a longing to communicate that to them because we want to be able to return even a tiny fraction of how much they've touched us. Because we want to be validated. Because we want to matter. These are perfectly natural feelings to have. It's part of what makes us human. But if you're looking for these kind of answers in a place where your soul isn't being fed, where parts of your life are wasting away or being destroyed instead of flourishing, then clearly it's not the answer.
I get it. Tumblr is one of the biggest (and most effective) conduits of escapism. No one wants to think about the cold, hard truth because we come here to find a haven in temporary comforts, and the fact that we often presume people in real life would brush off our interests as a weird obsession only pushes us further into isolation. But you know what? I hate that no one talks about it. I hate that we live in the fear that we'll be shamed for it if we do, labeled as "crazy" or "pathetic." Because at best, outsiders don't understand. At worst, they're cruel. Either way, we end up stuck in that vicious cycle all over again, burying deeper and deeper until we've insulated ourselves from everything and everyone.
Until we feel safe.
Maybe we're running from someone or something else. Or maybe more to the point, we're running from ourselves. Maybe we despise our lives so much that our only escape is to rely on the happiness of two fictional characters. Because even if it's fake, even if it's nothing more than a distraction, it's better than having to stare down into that void, that utter brokenness inside ourselves. You know those posts about being invested in a fictional couple's love life more than your own? Honestly, the idea makes me want to break down in tears now because it's so. True.
I don't want to feel like that anymore.
In hindsight, that my Jensen and Misha op at Minncon turned out to be a bust was actually a blessing in disguise. At the time, I was inexplicably upset about it, and I tried to blame it on hormones and shrug it off. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wasn't upset because it didn't turn out the way I wanted; I was upset because that deeper need to connect with people and forge meaningful relationships was not being met. I was upset that I had poured so much of my thoughts and time and effort into something that I knew would never be able to reciprocate. And so I was forced to make a painful choice: continue down the same path and deny the fact that I was absolutely miserable, or muster up the courage to break free of the prison I'd created for myself and drastically change my life.
I finally picked the one that's long been overdue.
I still think the SPN cast is full of some of the nicest people in the world, and I will eternally be grateful for Misha. Truthfully, he's been an integral part of the catalyst that brought me to this conclusion in the first place—the example that he's set for reaching out to others and finding ways to meet their needs woke me up, nearly literally. It reignited a passion I had for helping people on emotional levels that had been buried for years, and although I initially fought against it because I was scared of putting myself out there again, I couldn't ignore that voice forever. I can't really explain it other than when you know in your heart that it's the right thing to do, you just know it (hint: it’s usually the most difficult thing to do). I knew that I wasn't meant to be living life the way that I was; I knew that I needed to open my eyes and step outside of myself; I knew that I was meant to make a difference; I knew I was meant for more.
I've started by getting involved in volunteer opportunities or ways I can give to my community, but on what I hope will eventually be a much larger scale, I have a vision for the future. It's something that will take years to build, I'm certain, but Misha's also taught me to dream big, and I know the idea won't let go of me until it comes to fruition. Somehow, I want to create a network that would bridge the gap for those who want to find a way out of their isolation and escapist tendencies, those who want to do more with their life than simply exist, and then provide them with the tools and motivation to work through their issues and fill the needs that would open doors for establishing and cultivating real relationships and discovering their own true passions so that they can bloom into the person that they were created to be. There are resources and support groups for people who suffer from mental illness and/or struggle with addiction, but there really isn't anything that specifically focuses on problems related to the detrimental effects of how disconnected from society people have become. And I want people to feel like they can be more open about these kinds of struggles so that maybe there wouldn't have to be this huge negative stigma surrounding escapism. So that maybe it wouldn't give people an excuse to sweep it all under the rug and continue to fight a losing battle of ignoring the problem; that people would realize that escapism is a much more serious issue than it gets credit for, especially with the advance of technology and social networking sites allowing it to become much more prevalent. That it isn't weird or pathetic at all because at the heart of it, we're all the same. Sooner or later, we all end up dealing with an emptiness that we try to fill up. We just have different ways of doing it.
So, even though I'm bringing this post and my involvement in the SPN fandom to an end, this is really where my story is just beginning. I may eventually delete this blog and my AO3 fics, but for the time being, I'll leave them up. I won't be responding to any further asks/messages on this particular blog; however, if you wish to remain in contact with me, I'll be more than happy to continue corresponding with people on my personal blog @tinfoilunicorn, which I plan on using more often again; just kindly note that I don't really want to talk about anything SPN-related if it's pure fangirling (if it's important to bring up for purposes of discussing personal issues/experiences, that's totally fine).
If I don't talk to you, I wish you all the very best, but as my dream about Misha earlier this year oddly seemed to predict, it's time to move forward with my life. Honestly, now that I’ve finally gotten unstuck, I don’t remember the last time I had this much joy and hope for what’s to come.
On a Target run today I found a little notebook that reminded me of Misha so of course I had to get it. :3
hey! i'm sorry to be a bother but could you tag your asks discussing dean with other people like dean x other or something so i could blacklist them? :( i understand if it's too much trouble or you don't want to
Ah yeah sorry I can certainly do that going forward. :) I generally post so little about it (bc at the end of the day Destiel is still my ultimate OTP) so I never thought about trading it before but I guess I did get a little carried away with it recently haha XD
IM FUCKING CRYING!!!! Laura’s present came in a day early! I was walking to my mail box not expecting anything and I find this! Its an spn bag with the boys’ autos on it!!!! Its from Jared, Matt Cohen, Jensen, Misha and Mark Sheppard! I’m so happy omg! She has extra autos and she gave them to me! This like the best day of my life! Thank you sooooooo fucking much Laura! This means the fucking universe to me! @1940sdeancas is the fucking best!
You're very welcome. :D Honestly when I was thinking about what I wanted to have them sign I was like, well maybe I'll just have them sign Misha's watermelon poem...but then I was like that's dumb what am I gonna do with that lmao. So I figured I'd put the autos to better use and give them to someone who'd appreciate them more. :) Hopefully someday you'll be able to see them yourself!
alright wtf please write 100k of Dean/Lassie before i completely lose my shit over here
nonny, if you find a way to freeze time so that i can actually devote the proper amount of effort into such a project and not lose the next five years of my life, i would be more than happy to write it. :D
have you seen the fanvid for ex's and oh's that's literally dean/everyone on spn? it's probably my favorite thing :)
no i haven’t (and i was even at vegascon)! but yeah actually for some reason that song always made me think of sam and it made me want to cry esp cause jess, but now i do think the song fits dean a lot better, so...thanks for making the song less traumatizing for me? lmao
convenient link to vid for others
My bestie convinced me to get an undercut. I mean I was already considering but she encouraged me to finally say yes. I've ever done one before-LIKE EVER. I just hope my mom doesnt bitch about it for months(which she prbly will tbh). I just want something new ya know? Idk why im telling you this lmao. My mom just likes it long. buts so annoying. and im very lazy.
Eh fuck whatever your mom says, just do what you want. I think it's a rite of passage that kids do stuff to their appearance that parents hate...I certainly did haha. Besides, hair grows back, so you can always change it again. :)
hold up i already knew i needed a SPN/Psych crossover. why did you have to suggest Dean/Lassie??? this is now also a thing i need
becauuuuuuuuuuse it’s literally perfect??? i would read a 100k au of them as detective partners no questions asked. like maybe dean just got promoted to detective and lassiter decides to take him under his wing but then dean turns out to be an absolute little shit that doesn’t follow protocol AT ALL but somehow still gets the job done and forces lassiter to have an infuriating sense of respect for him? and dean thinks lassie is a total hardass loser until dean does something stupidly reckless and lassiter has to save his life? and from then on dean actually makes more of an effort to cooperate because lassiter actually knows what he’s talking about? and then they start learning that they have certain interests in common and they develop a weirdly adorable friendship because of it? like maybe they go fishing like the grumpy old men they are? watch b-rated action flicks together? waking up in the morning and arguing over whose turn it is to shoot the damn noisy squirrel? lassiter refusing to acknowledge that he associates with the guy (read: boyfriend) that “accidentally” set off the civil war era cannon again? dean getting lassie into larping???? omg and think about all the western roleplaying and their love of clint eastwood????? why am i using all these question marks when this is a sure thing?????????
oh and what if it was dean that was bound and gagged up at the top of the clock tower instead and lassiter comes and rescues him and just holds him in his arms JUST THROW ME OFF A CLIFF
@unforth-ninawaters because you’ll appreciate this :)
I mentioned earlier that we get so little from Dean’s childhood, but I want to take a moment to examine what we DO get, because most of it is incredibly disturbing and sad, imo:
First know that Dean as four years old when he saw his mother die, and that the trauma of that caused him to stop speaking for some time. We don’t know how much he saw or how long his silence lasted, but one can imagine. We know that John, very soon after her death, went searching for answers, taking the boys with him. We know that John started training Dean to shoot at age 6 (the age of a kindergartner/first grader), and that THIS is the most loving/bonding moment Dean remembers having with John in his young life. We know that Dean was also little when John taught him how to drive. And that he was eight years old or younger when John began taking him on out on hunts (again, that’s taking a 2nd grader into a battle).
We know that John also periodically left Dean to care for Sam (and himself) for days on end as early as age nine, maybe earlier. We know that he left them for weeks/ months at a time later on (how much later we aren’t sure) and that he often extended the time he was supposed to be gone. And we know that Dean was responsible for looking after Sam during this time, which not only included cooking, dressing, and otherwise caring for the younger child (as it would in real life), but also included Dean acting as Sam’s bodyguard from very real and vicious, physical threats.
We know that John took Dean’s duty VERY seriously. That he would remind Dean constantly to take care of Sam, and that it was his most important (and common) command.We know that John would punish Dean for Sam behaving out of line (such as running away), and though we never see John physically hurt Dean, we know he was not above using psychological punishments for long periods after a perceived failure on Dean’s part.
We know that John had a drinking problem, and would also periodically disappear on benders for days, possibly weeks at a time, only to stumble home drunk later on. We know that he was not great at communicating with his children when this happened (or in any instance for that reason), and they were often unsure of when (or if) he would return home. We know that Dean in turn had his first drink before age 10 (though we don’t know how he got it), and that John was buying him alcohol by age 16.
We know that money/food was often scarce for them (even with John there), meaning they often ate poorly. Dean learned to stretch what he could and make the best out of it, even when they were forced to eat the same thing over and over (like getting creative with his cooking of macaroni). Cooking seemed to be a common occurrence for Dean, which he continues into adulthood (and later we will see that Dean also cleans and irons Sam’s clothing). During childhood they lived mostly in dirty motel rooms or out of their car, with only a duffle bag’s worth of belongings.
We know that Dean was taught to hustle by his father, and was doing it at a young age (only 14 or possibly younger) to make money for the family. We know that in addition to hustling, stealing was also something Dean occasionally did to survive. We know that there was at least one time where Dean ran out of money, and was abandoned for months after getting caught stealing food for Sam.
We know that John was not big on celebrating holidays or the boys birthdays. Dean’s most cherished Christmas memories include stealing presents for Sam and receiving a single gift from Sam, that was originally meant for their father anyway, and John bringing home a reef made of beer cans one year (seriously, this is the memory he brings up to argue that their childhood wasn’t so bad?! Ouch). We also know that Dean is jealous of Adam for having gotten taken to a baseball game for his birthday.
We know that the boys moved constantly, never staying in one place for longer than a few months at a time, and that Dean eventually dropped out of highschool, choosing to get a GED instead. As far as we know, Dean never had any real friends during his childhood, and never had a serious relationship until Cassie (which still only a few months because John ordered Dean away).
We know that Dean was charged to keep the secret of Mary’s death, hunting and monsters from Sam, as well as from everyone else, making John the only person he could talk to about either, until age 12, when Sam read John’s journal and discovered the truth. Even afterward, Dean remained isolated from the outside world by this secret and it seemed that Mary was still not really talked about, save as a reason for them hunting. She remained a sore subject/ on-going trauma for Dean, who swore he would never return to his childhood home. We know that Dean often ended up supporting consoling and his father emotionally, as well.
We know that Dean was incredibly compliant with his father’s wishes and would follow most any order given to him, even orders that were vague or indirect. That John was not in the habit of explaining things, even when the boys were old enough, and operated more like a drill sargent than anything else. While we are aware of Sam being allowed extracurricular activities in school, there is no such equivalent for Dean, save the 2 months he as abandoned at Sonny’s. We know that both Dean and Sam were trained in physical and other forms of combat from a young age and that they sparred with each other. As a child Dean was afraid to cease practicing, even just to throw around a ball with Bobby for an afternoon. (We know that Bobby knew them as children, but it is unclear how big or small of a presence he was in their lives). We know that John’s authoritarian rule chaffed on Sam after he hit puberty, leading to some big fights, for which Dean commonly played mediator/ peacekeeper.
As you can see, there IS a sort of picture forming here, and it’s not a pretty one. Dean’s childhood was fraught with trauma and loss, poverty, monsters, physical danger, neglect, and psychological abuse. He was isolated, over-burdened, and conditioned to serve others, often at his own expense. He was continually in danger of losing his own life (not to mention injury) and those he cared about, and discouraged from forming attachments outside of his family.
While we actually do have a lot of information, it’s been mainly given in bits and pieces, with many gaps left for us to fill in. It’d be nice if the show would do some more of that for us.
