don't let the muggles get you down

Summoning up good vibes for the rest of the year.

The last few months have been the most happy and most emotionally difficult for me. I got engaged in July, which I’m still over the moon about. Overall, everyone’s been really excited and happy for me. Most of my friends and acquaintances screamed in excitement when they found out.

I’ve been busying myself with wedding plans and my fiancé’s mom has really jumped into wedding planning too. She’s been crafting decorations and creating spreadsheets for everything.

However, it came to light that I didn’t realize who my dearest friend really was until a blowup argument that was ugly. The situation sucks- she had already made up her mind. I’ve spent a while picking up the pieces and learning to live without her. It was hard to get into wedding planning when she should be there.

I’m not going to air dirty laundry or trash talk, as I’ve experienced since the falling out, as she was a huge part of my life for nearly 1/3 of my existence and I still have a huge amount of love for the friendship we once had.

I’ve learned that friends who disregard your accomplishments, can’t be happy for your happiness or make your relationship a competition aren’t real friends.

I’m getting married to my soulmate and that’s all that matters. We’ll be surrounded by loved ones that are happy for us.

I won’t make myself small to appease others insecurities.

It’s nice being able to learn about and experience each other’s interests. This past November I took him to see Thursday, one of my favorite bands, and over the weekend I got to see one of his, Guster.

I’ve spent the last year and a half re-learning how a relationship should work and how to love while being vulnerable.

My past relationships, especially the one right before this one wrecked my perception of self worth. Being in an on again, off again relationship for ~3 years magnified my anxiety, to a point where I wasn’t living, just existing. I was being rejected, even ghosted by the same person over and over. Maybe I wanted to prove I was worth it- but honestly, he never loved me- and a loveless/ one sided relationship isn’t worth pushing me to suicidal ideation. Everyone I’ve dated made me feel like I wasn’t worth going out of the way for or like they didn’t want to be seen with me. I thought no one would ever want me.

I still panic at times and think that my current boyfriend is going to leave me (and for dumb reasons)and that I’d relapse back into that shell I was before. It took me a while to realize when he makes plans for months from now, or says sweet things, he means it. He keeps his promises. I’ve never been left out to dry. He’s always taking care of me and making sure I feel loved. And most of all, I’m at ease and anxiety doesn’t affect me when we’re together.

I’m lucky. All the bad I’ve experienced makes me appreciate what I have now even more. It just took me a while to find someone who loves me at the same time I love them- and that cares enough to want to spend all their days with me. We have plans to move in together this year and for once, a commitment like this doesn’t scare me because he’s promised that he’s here to stay.