Unearthly Creature

I went searching through Camden markets for Good Omens for you, to carefully bring it with me on my plane ride home. Proudly present you with a British edition of your favorite book by your favorite author I found abroad.

And you? You yelled at me for my plane arriving late & frustrated there was nowhere to park at the airport. Upset you had to help me with my luggage in the rain.

That Christmas you threw a gift card in a reused gift bag, telling me “it’s your birthday & Christmas gift, you know I don’t buy you clothes or bags so you can do it yourself.”

That was the difference in our love.

When we talked about love driving in your car all I could think about was how I wanted to tell you how badly I just want us to run away, how I wanted you to myself still after all of these years, I still wanted that life.

That quiet life I envisioned at 18, you making music and me writing. Living in a little house by a beach, a house so full of love because we made sure that was all there was.

You kept talking and I kept thinking of that life, I kept thinking how I wanted to run as fast as I could from everything in my adult life. I still wanted to marry you, away from everyone and everything, just us because it would be absolutely us to run from everything and everyone to have the peaceful life we both craved then & now.

And you said it - you broke by quasi trance - you said “I just wish I could run away and love my life, live that life I want”

Then you talked of your real loves, the women that had and still have a hold on your heart & me, well I’m still just a warm convenient hole..

You talk more as we drive, demons and fears you have faced. I know this is more than likely the last time I’ll see you and I try not to be selfish but I can’t help but want to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me and how much I wish I could take care of you.

This doesn’t mean anything though. I’ve been saying the same words to you since I was 21 & you left me for real true love while I was left with a burn so severe I see it every day I wake up, I feel every night in bed, and I cry tracing the edges of the tainted skin.

You don’t text or call, you’re moving on, you have to. You have real solid love and plans, whereas the burn & consistent games with multiple flames have left me so disfigured Ive hidden myself away - from everything and everyone. I am alone in my suffering, I am alone in my joy & sadness. You were the one who could understand my pain & kiss it away, could easily fake a bad accent & make me believe in make believe.

I guess what I’m saying is I don’t believe in love but I did once, with you running down a deserted street at 12 am in thick summer air, when we fell to the ground and kissed so convinced we would stay young.

You understood every dark and light piece of me, all the good and bad and ugly and still called me yours. But we ruined it & your love lies with others. I can’t blame you. I’m a mess and I will continue hiding myself away, keeping myself from others so nobody has to be subjected to my chaos.

You made me believe in love and I chased that feeling for so long, knowing I could never have it with you again.

There’s still love, isn’t there?

It’s so hard for me to believe that someone can fully be loyal & love me when all I’ve seen has been cheating husbands & boyfriends.

I also don’t believe I’m worthy of someone to love me unconditionally. I don’t know where that started? Where did it infect me? This notion that I’m unlovable and not worth interest outside of sex?

Did that belief come from Travis & constant berating of me - telling me I wasn’t an adult because of x y or z? Or did the belief come from the married men that would crave and devour me whole then forget me the minute their wives texted?

I want to think there’s love. Somewhere. Hopefully.

I want to believe that I’ll get it one day & I’ll have butterflies & happiness....