Kristen arriving at the Film Critics Circle Award - January 4, 2016

• if you don’t know who the mob’s chasing today, it might be you
• “pray for rain” is said always, even when it rains
• good fences make good neighbors, but barbed wire fences make neighbors fight over cut up hogs
• directions can be given by street name, church name, or proximity to starbucks
• that tree has been dead for ten years, but their brother fell out of it when he was eight, and we need the reminder everyday
• he keeps deer heads on his wall and your underwear in his glovebox; some trophies are worth displaying
• the scars on your chest don’t exist yet; everyone knows, but they don’t have prayers for it
• you and your cousin both wake up in the summer, sweating cold; she got the bruise on her brain wearing fatigues- you got yours at school
• “Bless Your Heart” doesn’t invoke blessings
• she gave you her cross necklace to guard while she went hunting with the boys, she never came back for it
• your dad’s favorite hound stares at his empty chair now more than ever- maybe you should have cremated him like he wanted
• everyone says you don’t deserve a mean old drunk like him, but they don’t know about that night
• they made you read To Kill a Mockingbird as a reminder, but your grandad still calls it ‘niggertoe pie’
• every now and then, the Klan accidentally publicizes its monthly newsletter, and the town laughs about it over Sunday lunch
• you don’t believe in Jesus anymore, but you see Him everywhere

This is Chris Pratt, and you’re watching America’s Most Wanted. No, you’re not. This is my EW photoshoot.