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@colonel-sex / colonel-sex.tumblr.com

Roy Mustang, here: Flame Alchemist, Major General, sex symbol. I love chess, nights at the opera, and long walks on the beach; nice asses are a plus. Provoking the easily irritated is only one of the many services I offer. Others include insulting politely, dressing flawlessly, and giving you the time of your life.  And yes, I am as good as everyone says.
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colonel-sex

What was the moment, if you can pinpoint one, that you found out you loved alchemy? I mean, there's so much work that goes into you being one of he top alchemists in Amestris, not to mention being probably the best in your field of flame alchemy, so what made you so passionate about it?

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I don’t know that I can pinpoint one exactly, but it was early – I do know that when I arrived at my foster mother’s, scrawny and awkward too short to see over the bar counter, I already had an armful of alchemy books with which I refused to part, even though I hardly understood them at all. I just kept reading them, over and over, until they made more sense to me, which was probably somewhere around the age of ten.

At first, I admit, I got into alchemy because I was terrible at making friends – it took me quite a while to realize that when you raise your hand to answer every question in school, your classmates tend not to like you much, despite your encyclopedic knowledge of insect morphology, which I thought was quite a mark in my favor, at the time.

But somewhere along the line, I became fascinated with the basic alchemy texts I found in the science section at the city library, and in between my increasing shenanigans under my foster mother’s care and paying lip service to my formal education, I studied until I actually got good enough to be able to weasel myself in for an apprenticeship with the greatest alchemist I could find.

As far as what made me so passionate about it – honestly, what’s not to feel passionate about? Being able to summon flame basically from nowhere, and bend it to my will? Imagine how attractive this was to a young man who had recently become aware of the power of charisma and his own physical attractiveness – and to a young man with big ideals and who had been entirely powerless for most of his life.

There is a particular thrill to alchemy in general – to understanding the physical world, breaking it down, and rebuilding it in your own image. It’s electric, it’s addictive – and then, adding flame to that, adding real /power/ to a geeky interest…

I was willing to do anything to master it, and I did.

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WHY DID I NOT KNOW YOU USED TO BE A HUGE FREAK FOR INSECT MORPHOLOGY

HOW HAVE YOU NOT TOLD ME THIS FOR FUCK’S SAKE MUSTANG

YOU JUST GOT LIKE TEN TIMES HOTTER

uh

fuck, uh

…well if it helps at all i used to be a piece of shit in school and ignore the teachers and basically raise hell all the time and no one except Al and Winry liked me either so i guess you sort of have to fall somewhere on the middle of the spectrum if you want to have a social life

anyway i think this is a prime example of what this community calls an a+ post

fucking awesome

It wouldn't be fun if I revealed all of my secrets at once, would it?

But I'm glad to know you find this... appealing, heh. I will have to brush up on my knowledge. Maybe even give you a bit of morphology-related dirty talk sometime.

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Anonymous asked:

What's your political party?

i don’t really like parties

they’re usually loud and people act like assholes when they’re drunk

including me

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colonel-sex

You know your loyalty is one of the things I adore about you, right?

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Anonymous asked:

I know you've said that Edward is more than oblivious to others flirting with him, but do you think he would recognize others trying to flirt or hook up with you? He very obviously knows that you are desirable, but It would be interesting to know his behavior in such a situation.

Hm. Probably. I'm convinced that Edward's inability to recognize flirting has nothing to do with his social competence, but more to do with his inability to comprehend the idea that someone might fight him attractive. That idea just doesn't fit with his understanding of the universe, so he just dumps all contradicting facts into his mental wastebasket, which, I must say, is hardly a scientific approach.

But in any case, I don't think that bias would apply if someone were flirting with me. In fact, I have a sense that Edward might be hypersensitive to that due to certain insecurities.

Luckily, this has yet to occur, and so Edward's reaction to such an occurrence is merely speculation.

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What was the moment, if you can pinpoint one, that you found out you loved alchemy? I mean, there's so much work that goes into you being one of he top alchemists in Amestris, not to mention being probably the best in your field of flame alchemy, so what made you so passionate about it?

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I don't know that I can pinpoint one exactly, but it was early -- I do know that when I arrived at my foster mother's, scrawny and awkward too short to see over the bar counter, I already had an armful of alchemy books with which I refused to part, even though I hardly understood them at all. I just kept reading them, over and over, until they made more sense to me, which was probably somewhere around the age of ten.

At first, I admit, I got into alchemy because I was terrible at making friends -- it took me quite a while to realize that when you raise your hand to answer every question in school, your classmates tend not to like you much, despite your encyclopedic knowledge of insect morphology, which I thought was quite a mark in my favor, at the time.

But somewhere along the line, I became fascinated with the basic alchemy texts I found in the science section at the city library, and in between my increasing shenanigans under my foster mother's care and paying lip service to my formal education, I studied until I actually got good enough to be able to weasel myself in for an apprenticeship with the greatest alchemist I could find.

As far as what made me so passionate about it -- honestly, what's not to feel passionate about? Being able to summon flame basically from nowhere, and bend it to my will? Imagine how attractive this was to a young man who had recently become aware of the power of charisma and his own physical attractiveness -- and to a young man with big ideals and who had been entirely powerless for most of his life.

There is a particular thrill to alchemy in general -- to understanding the physical world, breaking it down, and rebuilding it in your own image. It's electric, it's addictive -- and then, adding flame to that, adding real /power/ to a geeky interest...

I was willing to do anything to master it, and I did.

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Anonymous asked:

Does anyone tell you you're cute?! Bruh COME ON THEY HAVE TOO (besides Roy-Boy)

Al does but Al is a liar and also biased

a lady at a store did one time when i was buying a fucking sick belt and she had a really cool nose ring with a skull on it so i said “you too” and she seemed really happy about it

havoc was doing a gooey baby voice at me the other day at work but when i picked up a really heavy stapler and started looking pointedly between it and his head he got the hint

eta: i forgot about this anon

so i guess that’s like

four people

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colonel-sex

You are perfectly capable of being badass and also absolutely adorable.

Mostly you do these things at separate times, which makes it easier.

Mostly, but not exclusively.

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Anonymous asked:

Interested in any cultures?????

haha

try all of them

one of these days i gotta get out of this stupid military if only so that i can travel for fun and shit

in the meantime though Roy is talking about setting up a diplomacy thing to Xing and using that as an excuse to see ling and have a vacation so THAT COULD BE PRETTY FUCKING COOL RIGHT???

but anyway to answer your question, definitely yeah.  people are so fucking interesting, i dunno.  i mean not necessarily individual people or even groups of people but like the larger trajectory of collections of human beings, holy shit.  anthropological shit.  yeah i’m there hahaha

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colonel-sex

Sometimes I find it quite entertaining that my boyfriend is both the most and least misanthropic person I have ever met.

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Anonymous asked:

you know, you wouldn't have to worry about Al collecting too many cats if you moved in with your boyfriend ;););););)

is there something wrong with your keyboard

you’ve got a weird semicolon/parenthesis thing going on

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colonel-sex

I think Edward likes the cats more than he admits.

Also, I enjoy my personal space, thank-you. It's not healthy to get in too deep, too fast, in any case.

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Anonymous asked:

what's your favorite sex act so far?

getting really really comfortable on the couch with pillows and shit and then getting real close and fitting our bodies in all tight and then

deleting stupid fucking anon asks together

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colonel-sex

I assure you, Edward is just as salty in person.

And I have it from a very reliable source that he's going to receive said favorite sex act tonight as a reward for this glorious reply.

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Anonymous asked:

Have you ever been jerked off/jerked yourself off and come so hard you've seen literal stars?

....Literal stars? I hate to have to be the one to inform you of this, Anon, but I can see "literal" stars any night I like, and so can you! Simply take a step outside after the sun has set on any given clear night, look up into the inky blackness, and you, too can have the privilege of contemplating your infinitesimal place within the universe and the great schema of stars and matter.

But as far as orgasms go, /figurative/ stars are rare in solo activities -- I just don't get nearly as into it when I don't get to hear someone moaning and whimpering and writhing in my bed.

But when I've received an extremely intense handjob, when my partner is vigorously and /passionately/ invested in the act, I have come so hard I've lost my vision, yes; so hard I shake and my knees go weak, so hard I haven't been able to do anything but lie there with my partner for half an hour.

Not quite as good as /giving/ an earth-shaking orgasm, but I very /much/ enjoy when these two activities occur in conjunction.

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Anonymous asked:

On you journeys have you ever been to very dangerous and shady towns? How did you blend in?

the blood-red knee-length coat helps a lot

that’s some real fucking incognito shit let me tell you

………no haha if i ever really need to blend in i go with unmarked dark-colored clothes and either shove my hair up in a hat or wear sunglasses. you kind of can’t get away with both ‘cause you start to look like you’re up to something but usually one or the other is okay. just depends on how close i need to get to people. like whether they’ll see my eyes anyway and shit. also if it’s night or raining you kinda have to go with just the hat hahaha

i dunno i’ve found pretty reliably over the years that if you walk briskly but not fast and look around sort of disinterestedly and act like you belong somewhere usually people believe that you do

i dunno if that speaks more to my acting ability or to the suggestibility of the human race but i’m probably a bad actor so maybe it’s the latter hahaha

…not gonna lie though it used to be REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT to go under the radar when Al was seven fucking feet tall and all armor-y spikes and shit

we tended to get a lot of second looks (and thirds and fourths and fifteenths……) and you could never convince anyone that we weren’t new around there hahaha

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colonel-sex

Edward Elric, you have never blended in anywhere in your /life/.

You are altogether too glorious and eye-catching for that.

i’m gonna puke

I have yet to make you vomit over the two months of our relationship: I think you secretly /like/ my sap.

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Anonymous asked:

Have you ever been pushed up against a wall and fingered within an inch of your life?

Not precisely, no.

Usually I am in a giving position in those situations.

And, let me tell you, that is something I /greatly/ enjoy.

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Anonymous asked:

On you journeys have you ever been to very dangerous and shady towns? How did you blend in?

the blood-red knee-length coat helps a lot

that’s some real fucking incognito shit let me tell you

………no haha if i ever really need to blend in i go with unmarked dark-colored clothes and either shove my hair up in a hat or wear sunglasses. you kind of can’t get away with both ‘cause you start to look like you’re up to something but usually one or the other is okay. just depends on how close i need to get to people. like whether they’ll see my eyes anyway and shit. also if it’s night or raining you kinda have to go with just the hat hahaha

i dunno i’ve found pretty reliably over the years that if you walk briskly but not fast and look around sort of disinterestedly and act like you belong somewhere usually people believe that you do

i dunno if that speaks more to my acting ability or to the suggestibility of the human race but i’m probably a bad actor so maybe it’s the latter hahaha

…not gonna lie though it used to be REALLY FUCKING DIFFICULT to go under the radar when Al was seven fucking feet tall and all armor-y spikes and shit

we tended to get a lot of second looks (and thirds and fourths and fifteenths……) and you could never convince anyone that we weren’t new around there hahaha

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colonel-sex

Edward Elric, you have never blended in anywhere in your /life/.

You are altogether too glorious and eye-catching for that.

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Anonymous asked:

How did Al respond when he found out you and Roy were dating? (sorry if you've answered this already btw)

kinda but that’s okay, TWIST MY ARM AND MAKE ME TALK ABOUT AL hahaha

mostly he’s just been like. really really really supportive??? although he keeps trying to outfit me. and i’m like. “Al. if you want to go into fashion design you can still change your major.” and he’s like “brother. if you want to live to 25 you should not mock me. also put that shirt on.”

and he’s been giving me um. lots of. advice.

some of it i even asked for

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colonel-sex

I am very curious as to what this “advice” consists of.

Al’s Dating Advice: A Summary

  1. be NICE, brother
  2. no, like, actually nice, not like you-nice. pay attention to people. listen to them. even when they’re technically wrong. you can correct them at the end instead of in the middle of a sentence. they’ll still be wrong by the time they finish talking, so there’s no rush, and it’s more polite.
  3. my scientific observation indicates that approximately 99% of people get good kinds of shivers and tingles if someone they’re dating touches their face really lightly. it just feels nice.
  4. never ever take someone for granted. they’re a human being. loving other human beings is hard. if they are dedicating themselves to you, that is an enormous sacrifice of their time and energy and emotional investment, and it’s a scary thing, too. they are making themselves unsafe because they are hoping that you will make the risk worth it. treat them kindly. treat them gently. treat them like they are offering you a very delicate and very special gift, because they are, and that is a beautiful and terrifying thing. and it’s okay for you to be terrified too.
  5. NO RED DOES NOT “MATCH” WITH ITSELF IF IT’S TWO DIFFERENT SHADES OF RED THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS BROTHER YOU’RE SCALDING MY EYES OH MY GOSHHHHHH TAKE THAT OFF PLEASE AUGH
  6. edward elric skulls are categorically not “always in fashion”, where in the world did you even pick that up
  7. you know what you might want to try while you’re getting it on with Roy somet— MMFFFFOW [that’s the part where i threw a pillow at his face]
  8. brother don’t take this the wrong way, really don’t, it’s actually wonderful when someone you’re dating can fit right into your arm like that, right under your shoulder. it feels great for both parties. just run with it. also it’ll look so c… allous. callous. and awesome. and. intimidating. why are you looking at me like that? brotherrrrrr, gosh.
  9. have you ever woken him up by kissing him before? you should do that.
  10. i know it’s sort of your m.o. brother but be careful about how much you complain when he’s doing something that you secretly like. or at least be careful about how you go about the complaining. i know you, and i know that if you actually convinced him to stop on accident, you’d be too embarrassed to tell hm you’d really been enjoying it the whole time and ask him to pick it up again. just… i don’t know. try to make sure you’ve got one voice for fake-complaining and one for real-complaining? haha. ow, you didn’t have to— stop throwing stuff!
  11. you’re actually very good at thoughtful gifts when you put your mind to it, brother. and nothing says “hey, don’t forget that i really really care about your feelings” like just… doing something for someone even though there’s no occasion. and you don’t have to spend money to do that; it can be anything. even just. saying something really nice, complimenting them or something. it matters.
  12. General Mustang plays very aloof and all but i think a lot of that is defensive, so people don’t get very close to him, and you are, and that’s an important thing for both of you. i think once you’re past all the walls and illusions and whatnot it’s probably easier to hurt him than any of us know, and i know you’d never hurt anyone on purpose, but. still.
  13. you know what feels great during oral s— [through the door i just walked out of and then slammed behind me] okay, okay, come back!
  14. just be you, for heaven’s sake. you’re enough. it’s okay. you are. i promise.

Alphonse is a national treasure.

I am nearly crying with laughter.

Not because I'm making fun of you, mind -- but because this warms the cockles of my cold heart in ways I cannot articulate.

You are perfect, Edward Elric, never change.

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colonel-sex
Anonymous asked:

Wow your bio is irritating yet amusing.... What would you say is the coolest thing you can do with your flames. How hot can they get? Do they turn blue or white? Can you make it a tiny warm and weak spark?

I can make any kind of spark you want, baby.

Also, I’m glad my bio performs its intended purpose.

And yes, I /can/ make blue flames (although white flames are another matter entirely, because they would require the addition of a particular metal). Blue flames result when the C(2) in the flame is completely and one hundred percent combusted, so I would simply have to adjust the length and intensity of the burning period.

But, I rarely do. I find that the yellow and orange of my regular flames is more striking against the blue of my uniform, and in politics, style is substance, you know.

[8.13.18, 2:21 PM]

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what’s wrong with your bio, it’s just you being you. wait maybe that’s what they were trying to say.

point is MORE CHEMISTRY ASKS PLEASE ♥♥♥♥

it’s. hot. haha get it.

You have a magical talent for making me feel both insulted and flattered both at once.

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reblogged
Anonymous asked:

What's your favorite thing about yourself? (I can feel you getting flippant with this one already but it would be heckie rad if you gave a serious answeer)

heckie rad huh

hahaha that’s like

weirdly cute

language is fucking bizarre hahaha

um

serious answer i

guess

the

fact that i basically just never give up on shit that’s important

and once i get some momentum going i can tackle just about anything you throw at me

that’s pretty cool i guess

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colonel-sex

It is cool.

It’s very impressive actually.

You are brilliant and I’m glad to see you admitting that sometimes.

have you seen a doctor about your sap-for-blood condition

Hah, perhaps it should come up at my next check-up.

“Doctor, my boyfriend complains that I’m too nice to him. Is there a medication for that?”

there must be something they can give you before you turn into a maple tree

i mean you’d probably cut a pretty dashing figure as far as maple trees go but i don’t think the advantages would outweigh the downsides there

although if you still ended up as führer you could talk about doing what’s best for the coun-tree all the time and that would be fucking hilarious

....Perhaps there is a corresponding cure for your punditry.

I would be willing to take you to every doctor across Amestris to see if anyone could make that happen.

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colonel-sex
Anonymous asked:

Are there dialects and accents in Amestris? Does Ed have one since he's in resembool?

There are accents and dialects in every country.

And actually, Edward’s main accent is more that of a street kid than it is of a country boy, although something I think is properly delightful about him is that his country accent comes back whenever he’s being polite, as if his accent changed as he traveled but he never could disassociate manners from his country upbringing.

He gets this delicious little twang when he says “ma'am,” especially, that makes me smile every time.

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I DO NO SUCH FUCKING THING AND IF I DID IT WOULDN’T BE CUTE

THIS IS FUCKING LIBEL ROY MUSTANG

eugh i bet i really do that. fuck. Al why did you never tell me you asshole i could’ve. i dunno. ironed it out or some shit.

Please don't. I love it. It's beautiful and very uniquely "you" and I would be devastated if it went away. *wipes away tears*

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