9.25.23

“Is that really what you wanna do? “

“Is what I’m doing bringing me any closer to what I want?”

“I heard something you said, and it made me want to cry, but I heard you laugh it off “

I’m giving too much energy into something that deserves my bare minimum. I feel stupid when I overextend myself, like I did too much, said too much. I know who I am, I’m learning to be comfortable. “Don’t force what’s meant to be natural “I need to allow things to float to me. I don’t have to manipulate or do too much. I need to keep my filter, keep my poker face. Move differently. These old habits are leaving me feeling stuck, I need to make different moves! It’s your loss if you don’t see my value. I know it, I’m confident in me. I don’t ever want to start stoop so low as to beg. I need to accept. Timing will work in its own way to favor me and my growth. If I’m questioning or feeling off that’s my intuition trying to look out for me. Observe and listen. Be okay with things not going my way. Accept. Let go and let flow. I am going to change, I will commit. I will put in the work to be a better me. I know I’m not a problem and there’s nothing wrong with me. I have some bad habits that need to be addressed and altered. My biggest roadblock has been focusing and investing in me. I’m so used to being a doormat that I forget that I’m the queen of my kingdom. I’m secure in who I am and what I want. I choose me and my growth every day. Is this what I want? YES. 

On those bad days

Let me give myself a moment. Take a step back. Sit and think about things very carefully. Given a moment to sit and rest. Reflect and reset. What are my thoughts and feelings trying to tell me? What does that say about me? The highs and lows of my emotions have been making me feel so tired. Why is it so much easier to feel low than it is to be consistently high. I’m having good days that leave me feeling accomplished but empty. Why do I find serving others to have greater value over serving myself? why do I feel like I need attention in order to be valued? Maybe I’m getting burnt out and I don’t even realize it. The constant thoughts are moving has me feeling out of myself, a shell of who I want to be. I wish I could spend a sabbatical alone.

Then I remember

My energy will grow based on what I choose to focus on. What am I investing my energy into? Where am I allowing my mental health to guide me? who really holds the reigns in my world? The answer will always be ME! Be careful of your thoughts. Don’t fall down the rabbit hole of sadness. There’s so much to be grateful for in myself, and those in my life. Things are looking up and there will be moments of downs, but that’s what makes all the great times so much better. Stay positive, stay optimistic, keep your glow. You’re doing this for you and you alone

7.31.23

“You have to make a conscious decision not to be crazy “

“It’s not about the choice you may, but what you choose to do about it. “

Multiple heads on the wheel, too many in the pot

Wanting to have more control of myself

Demanding a change to end the cycle

Feeling like it’s one step forward and too many back

Starts with my mindset, my words, how I’m choosing to write my story

What I’m choosing to focus on

Instead of worrying how others aren’t meeting my needs I need to point a finger at myself. How am I making my goals and dreams a reality? If I’m not living for me, I have no reason to devote my time and energy others.

I have to create a stronger mindset. A headspace that isn’t easily permeated. One that remains focus and doesn’t get distracted. I need to stay in the moment. Allow myself to feel all sensations that come with reality. Too often I look back at my choices and cringe. How could I allow myself to be steered so wrong. I need to move with the best foot forward. I can’t do a little what I should’ve done. I can only do better for my future.

Some words that have stuck with me

-Focus on yourself so you can explore things you may have avoided before

-Don’t internalize so much, let it out, say it

-Don’t look or search for what you did wrong

-Examine yourself, how can we inch towards the vision?

“I wonder if you’re overthinking to try and find what you did wrong? “

It’s a strong possibility. Growing up I was always in the wrong, getting punished for something. I’m not confused little girl anymore. I see this situation for what it is and if I don’t at first, I will eventually.

Instead of telling you to shut up, be kinder to yourself. One of the voices trying to teach you? “

Such simple and doable advice. I wonder if the overthinking is my muddied intuition. I’ll look deeper instead of pushing away. Avoiding has never done me any good, gotta push through. 

Don’t get lazy or complacent

If your goals make you uncomfortable, that’s even more of a reason to chase after them. Who’s stopping you? Yourself. You’re worried you don’t know enough or that you will fail but not trying is failure in itself. TRY! Even if it’s a struggle or you worry you won’t be good enough you need to just try. There’s certain things you haven’t allowed yourself to experience because you aren’t pushing or fighting. It’s been years. You’ve accomplished everything instead of your main ambitions. Don’t regress, the only way out is through and forward. You feel stuck and unfulfilled when you’re the person that lodged themselves in the quicksand. CLIMB.

What would you have told your child to motivate/prepare them for the upcoming journey?

-Make peace with your past

-Everything that is to come is all based on the choices you make

-Step back, see the bigger picture

-don’t act so irrationally, choose with a leveled and calm head

-Life is hard, but you are hardheaded, strong beyond belief, and have the willpower to push back against your challenges

-You’re going to feel lost and confused but when the fog clears you’ll remember “got this” and “you’ll be okay”

-Stop doubting yourself, there’s nothing you can’t overcome

-Only you can take back your power

-Lead with resilience and tenacity

-Don’t you dare settle!

What/who made you start doubting yourself as a kid?

I’m not sure who to point the finger at. My mom for always being pessimistic. My siblings for believing in their own opinions and that they are better. Or myself for giving so much power to the unconfident voice in my head. It did start Young, and it grew until I fell out of touch and out of control. I can recall not liking to look in the mirror or envy, or bullying someone else. Never realizing until now that if I’m unhappy or not fulfilled, the only one to blame is myself. Take pride in how far you’ve come and only look back so you aren’t repeating history, break the second.

I keep thinking, “I’m doing this for me!”

No one needs to know or validate my choices. I don’t care for others opinions. I want to make sure I’m doing right by me first and foremost. So many bad habits to change that have been rooted in me and developing for years. It’s slow and gradual, but much needed. I don’t want to be stuck in my ways, I need to be better than that. I’m not allowing myself the option to take the easy way out. I want the challenges that come along with self discovery. I want to make the hard choices that leave me feeling like I did something with my time. I look back and I admit, I wasted a lot of my time, sleeping, worrying, and carrying on in the most unbeneficial way. I want to wake up every day driven by purpose, moving with the best intentions. Being less of an attention seeking drama queen. I want to claim the power I know I have, that I’m far too familiar with, but do nothing about. I need to own it. Work hard for what I want because no one will hand it to me on a silver platter. I want to be open minded. I don’t want to judge any one for their choices are overanalyze and make assumptions. All I know is that I crave more for myself, I’m striving for better. I’m not concerned with how others perceive me. I will stay in my bubble, build, mature, and grow. I refuse to be a shadow of who I’m meant to be. I’m meant for greatness, nothing but the best. I won’t live by anyone standards besides my own. My journey is for me and me alone.

Long distance

One hour, only 65 miles and yet physically your so far away

We’ve gotten so lucky, sharing more time than either of us ever anticipated this month

No matter how many times we parted ways, “until next time” never gets easier

“Ask me to stay!” my thoughts screamed

“Ask me to stay!” But I wouldn’t voice my wants.

“You should stay the night” you said breaking the silence

My eyes widened. You’ve always been a mind reader.

I confessed that’s exactly what I wanted. But We both knew the decision had already been made for us

I’d see you in 2 days and yet it wasn’t soon enough

So many moments we share that I want to immortalize forever by writing them down

You were laying down on the bed with your chest exposed. I curled up next to you keeping my hands in tiny fists. You draped my arm over you and used your hand to relax mine

“My hands are cold” I warned with resistance to my movement, I didn’t want to overstep

“I know” you encouraged tugging my arm back “that’s why I’m here, to warm you up”

Far too often I think about all the things I should or want to do. For a person that claims they love, art, there’s no drive to start or finish it. I always get preoccupied or distracted. Stay focused. No better time to start something like the present, or NOW! Doers get more done. Do something, stop stopping or admitting and reflecting and continue onto the next step. Dedicate time and energy and effort. It’s easy to know something, it’s difficult to know how to push it one step further. What’s stopping me? Fear of a bad end result? Don’t rush through. Fear of work? Nothing comes free, the price is the labor of love

“Sounds like he has too much power over you”

I allowed him to call the shots and waste my time. No more. I feel disgusted knowing I allowed myself to be weak for you