im lame lmao

me (cleaning up): holds knife

intrusive thoughts: what if-

me: ok edgelord we get it what if i slit my wrists right now can we please just focus

Additionally; me: *waiting for the subway* intrusive thoughts: what if you jumped me: it would cause a four hour delay while they pick your body parts out of the rails you fucking prick, can we please for once get on public transit without going through this

Also; Me: *walking along a busy road* intrusive thoughts: What if you just fell over in front of this truck? Me: It would back up traffic all fucking night and probably hurt a lot of people you prick.

Gosh. I never have thoughts like this

didnt ask but that sounds nice

Me: *walking down the stairs* Intrusive Thought: I could throw myself down these flight of stairs and leave more time for everyone else! Me: Or you end up with a broken wrist and sprain ankle you dickhead keep walking

Me: *driving on a bridge* Intrusive thoughts: I could just drive straight into that lake and finish it right now. Me: You asshole, this is a new car. Just fucking keep going like everyone else you prick.

oh my god,^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I needed this

Me: *standing at a lookout* It’s so beautiful here…

Intrusive thoughts: yeah, look at that view, you could just step out into it and you’d probably never feel the impact when you hit the ground 20m below…

Me: Bitch, don’t ruin the view for everyone else. Fucksake.

Me: *doing literally nothing*

Intrusive thoughts: What if-

Me: Can’t you just shut the fuck up and chill for once? God damn

Achievement Hunter baby photos!

“I try to capture all the little fun moments that happen when living with cats. All my little cat comics are done on 4 by 4 post-it notes! My fluffy friends are always a great source of inspiration and entertainment. And best of all they are always there when you need a hug or a good cry.”

Comics/text by​ Rikke Asbjoern - More info: Instagram

“it’s just a phase” i mean the moon has phases but it’s still literally always the moon. just because the moon’s doing something different today doesn’t mean it was lying about being the moon yesterday

#queer people are celestial bodies is what i’m saying

Telling someone ‘You are shit’ and ‘You ain’t shit’ are both insults.

But “You are not shit” is a reassurance

And “you are not the shit” is an insult

And “You are the shit” is a compliment.

I present to you the English language

not knowing the name of a meme and having to describe it in google like a fucking animal

i work at a movie theater and yesterday i misspoke and asked someone if they wanted butter on their ice 

best part of which was that they turned to the person accompanying them and repeated “do you want butter on your ice” and DID NOT REALIZE

THERE YA GO!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

what a novel fucking concept that seems to escape people

I dunno man, I read the Silence of the Lambs and then started eating people

baby toucans are so unspeakably cute

look

“is sneaking onto people’s lawns at 2am to street-pass with them illegal”

You don’t fuck with the tray master

HOLY SHIT

This is what the Exotic Weapon Proficiency feat looks like in real life.

A gay rights activist waves a damaged rainbow flag during gay pride in St. Petersburg

God that’s powerful

today i hung out w my 15 y/o brothers girlfriend and i jokingly was like “tell me embarrassing stuff about him” and she was like “ok. he has a piss kink” and was 100% serious and i almost crashed the fucking car

just heard my roommate yell ‘you USED me!!!’ from the living room n im sitting here like ??? 2 seconds later my rat comes running into my room holding a french fry in his lil baby mouth

in the blu-ray editions of star wars they added an extra rock in front of r2-d2 in one scene

I just don’t get it

This adds nothing

what are you talking about it adds a rock

now hes trapped.