why must i Write Words? is it not enough to imagine, passionately,

"how did you hear about this job?" it came to me in an extremely vivid and unsettling prophetic dream

"congratulations! you're hired" i know.

concept: me, a housewife, putting two lean cuisines in the microwave. i drink an entire bottle of chardonnay during the four minutes the chicken fettuccine takes to heat up. my husband walks through the door just as i place the entrée on the table. he thanks me for slaving away all day over a hot stove. i have succeed in passing the lean cuisine off as my own creation. when he’s done, i tell him im in love with our maid, helen–who bears a striking resemblance to margot robbie–and that i will see him in court. im blind drunk and jump into a 1960s pink convertible that helen is driving. we laugh about the lean cuisines.

this is the best post on this fucking website

me casting evil spirits out of me home

“ get the fuck you you fucking pieces of shit I did not ask for you * waves incense* this smells so good get the fuck out”

I love Mando's vibe. Imagine some guy rolling up to your shop in a beat up honda civic. He steps out wearing an armani suit. He opens his wallet and offers you two dollars to fix his car.

gay rats (gay rights in southern accent)

i'm screaming

hot girl summer is over it’s scary woman winter

you absolutely love to see it*

*Christopher Columbus's decapitated head lying on the ground

I genuinely thought this was another weird tumblr add

Vaporwave is back baby

my mom’s getting too into the meme game

your mother is funnier than literally everyone on tumblr