I was gonna be with you …forever.

JK Rowling and Severus Snape

I have discussed how Star Trek helped me. How it changed me. How it saved me (link is just one example of the times I’ve discussed it). What I don’t think I’ve ever really discussed with anyone, don’t think I’ve ever really brought it up on Tumblr, is what JK Rowling’s Harry Potter novels did for me. Following my blog it’s pretty obvious that Trek and Harry Potter are things I’m a fan of (major fan of really I would say, in fact I think it would be the primary things I blog). Yet, I don’t think I’ve ever talked about WHY those novels pulled me in. And it’s simple really ….. Severus Snape.

The first book was release when I was eight, was going to be nine just a few months later, and I didn’t jump into the series immediately. After all, at that point, I was only in the second grade. Now, before anyone goes “eight in the second grade?” let me explain that I am a December birthday so I already start the school year later than everyone else and thus turn older than those in my class, then I was held back as well during first grade (I had a speech problem and … yeah). Anyways, so I was basically that kid that was already destined to turn older than the rest of the class and then ended up being even older than the rest of the class.

You can see why Star Trek probably did a lot for me growing up. Dealing with bullies, being a target for ridicule both at home and school (even at swim practice), and … basically the show did a lot (as the linked post explains). I was 10 when Prisoner of Azkaban was released and about to go into the forth grade. I couldn’t tell you if my family had already started reading the Harry Potter books to me because honestly, at home, they were just books to me. Insignificant annoyances that bothered me. Yet, suddenly, at school, here I was having my fourth grade teacher reading Philosophers Stone to me.

All I could do was think “what is so damn important about this book?” and yet couldn’t come up with a valid reason. I loved to read. Love watching Trek. Love learning. But this book was an annoyance and I couldn’t find a reason for it’s importance to be read not just at home but at school. School was supposed to be different than the stuff at home (despite similarities in some things). It was where I was supposed to be able to get different things. Yet, here was Harry Potter waltzing its way into school and home and I couldn’t work out why. So, what was I to do? The logical thing of course … read the bloody book.

And I did. I tried to listen to people reading it to me but never really worked so I ended up picking it up and reading it. I couldn’t tell you how fast I read through it. How fast I caught up to the published books. I mean, at this point there are 3 published after all, and the fourth was coming out that summer. What I could tell you was this … I found my answer not within the first chapter or the second or even the third. It took getting to Chapter 8 “The Potions Master” for me to find my answer. For me to go “this is why” and even turn back to Chapter 7 (”The Sorting Hat”) just to reread the part that first mentioned this individual who had just drawn me in.

Snape’s description (greasy black hair, hooked nose, sallow skin) combined with that “You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of potion-making” speech had me drawn. Don’t get me wrong: McGonagall and her ability to command a room thrilled me; Hermione’s dedication to learning thrilled me; Dumbledore’s eccentric behavior was marvelous … but it was Snape. Snape and his unkempt appearance and clearly devoted to his subject means of speaking all while commanding the attention of a room that just had be going “oh” and also going “what’s wrong?”. I knew, at the mere age of 9/10/11, when I was diving into the books that there was something, something, about this character and that he just couldn’t be the one. The bad guy.

In 2001 when the movies started coming out, I was in 6th grade. Seeing Alan Rickman in the role was perfect to me. I’ve seen people say that the movies made Snape look handsome or that his nose wasn’t big enough or hair not greasy enough but … Alan Rickman was Snape. The very moment I saw him in that role my mind went “yep, that’s Snape”. By that point, the characters I was most invested in were the ones I’ve mentioned: McGonagall, Dumbledore, Hermione, Snape … and each of them were perfect in my mind. I remember going to see Prisoner of Azkaban in theater with my brother and sister (pretty certain this was one of the midnight showings too that we managed to go to) and just drawn into the movie. On the edge of my seat. Thrilled to be witnessing this wonder come alive before my very eyes.

One of my most potent memories of the entire series though … Half Blood Prince. I was sixteen then. It was a book I got the very moment it was released, went and stood in line for it at the naval exchange with my sister and younger brother. Eager anticipation was everywhere. The moment it was in my hands I felt like it was the best thing in the world. In less than 24 hours, I completed the book and felt like my heart and soul had been ripped from me. How could JK Rowling kill Albus Dumbledore and have Snape do it?!

I had brought this book with me everywhere that day (even to the pool for the swim meet that I had to go to) and never put it down so that I could read it. Read it in the car. Read it walking up the stairs back to my room. Sat in my bed reading it. My brother laughed at me after I read what happened to Dumbledore and had come downstairs unable to go any further looking like the end of the world had just happened. He asked “what” and I went “Dumbledore is dead” and he just laughed. Laughed I tell you. He was laughing at my reaction and I was crying and crying.

It was the movie I was looking forward to the most after that point because they had to do it right. Didn’t they? But by then I was in the military and was in training. Then I was deployed, Deathly Hallows part 1 come out during that point, and then I was struggling not to lose control, Deathly Hallows part 2. I don’t think I managed to make it to theaters for the last 3 movies. But what I did manage … I managed to hang onto Snape. Onto the character JK Rowling gave me. If you are wondering what I’m talking about, what I mean by all this … it’s this:

As a child I knew before I got to Deathly Hallows and Snape giving his memories that there was something about Snape. There was a reason he was unkempt, that he was bitter, that he was harsh and demanding and yet intent upon caring for and educating the next generation. And yes, he was intent upon educating the students (this is the man who wanted the students to know how to handle werewolves because one was present and they were unaware, the one who was dedicated to his craft, who understood the risks of magic and potions, who wanted the students to understand all that and worked to protect them from harm …. while also doing so with many flaws). I wondered for years what it was that kept Snape going and when I learned, when I discovered it was a singular purpose he was given (the protection and guidance of Harry Potter during his journey/mission against Voldemort/completion of the prophecy) it gave me something …. the realization that so long as I hold onto one purpose I can continue.

Because of JK Rowling and Severus Snape, I strive to give myself a purpose each day. Even as I type this my hair is greasy, my teeth aren’t great, I’m in yoga pants and a sweater, and my glasses aren’t the right prescription (I finally set up an appointment to fix that). I thank JK Rowling daily for this amazing character because he is a reminder to me, and the amazing portrayal that Alan Rickman gave him reinforced it, that even in my darkest of times I can survive. There is still light. It may have been Dumbledore who said that happiness can be found by turning on a light (not full quote obviously) but it was Snape who showed me that. Not because he radiated happiness and perfection and your typical ‘handsome’ appearance but because he survived, lived, existed in his dark world through the single flickering lights that he clung too. That he believed in.

So … I never hated Snape. I adored him. I admired him. I appreciated him. I sympathized for him. I ached for him and still do. And I thank JK Rowling profusely for this character that resonates with me so much. Because I don’t know if I would have, or even do have, the strength to do half of what he did within the books. He was not perfect, but neither am I. And that is okay.

I just saw it, oh god I saw it, my thumbs cannot keep up with these emotions to type it out oh my gooooooooooooooood

Yelling “No! You can’t leave it like that!” at 7am on a Sunday is apparently bad.

make me choose: klngons said “kira nerys or and jadzia dax”

My friend Amy Imhoff of shoesandstarships did a fabulous interview with Nana Visitor at Star Trek Las Vegas.

McGonagall? Is that you? Source: Awwww Pets

Muppets in DS9 please.

No, I’m not joking, seriously, I thought about it and now I want it with a burning passion.

Miss Piggy being Lwaxana’s best space friend, searching for good clothes and stomping on losers.

Beaker being a Starfleet science officer assigned to the station, constantly having to report to the infirmary because of “science-related” injuries. Every time he walks in cradling his arm, Bashir rolls his eyes at the camera.

Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem can play in Quark’s. They’re great for business. Quark also has some other muppets help attend the bar, and clean the floor… they don’t need much paying so he loves them.

Statler and Waldorf ALWAYS being seated in the Replimat no matter what time of day, passing loud judgement on Bajoran and Cardassian political affairs, and constantly breaking the fourth wall commenting on episode ratings. Q sometimes joins them. Garak might even like them.

I just want DS9 casually littered with muppets. Muppets shopping in the promenade. Sisko frequently bumping into Kermit in a comedic fashion, and they both politely apologise and go their separate ways, somehow unaware of each other’s “fame”. 

Everyone fancying Miss Piggy. Including Jadzia, who fancies her the most. 

Everyone secretly trying to sit close to Statler and Waldorf hoping to overhear some snarky gem about the provisional government, or about Dukat.

Dukat does not care for Statler and Waldorf, so naturally they get a free pass to remain in DS9′s replimat forever eating anything they want.

Please.

OH GOD NOW THIS IS ALL I WANT OUT OF LIFE WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

i mean besides this i just want. an alternate version of the show where every alien is played by a ridiculous puppet

crying about puppets is a lifestyle i opted into a long time ago and i do not intend to stop at any point

thoughts on the friendzone

when i was 5 years old my best friend was a boy named kyle who didn’t know how to knock on doors so he made dinosaur noises outside my window to wake me up in the summer until i demonstrated how to ball his fists and slam them against my doors.  we collected caterpillars in my trailer park and built them houses while we traded pokemon cards.  he wasn’t the only one.  there was ben, and mitch, and noah—but kyle’s the only one who hurt me, because when he tried to kiss me and i asked him why, he told me “because you’re a girl and i’m a boy, shouldn’t we like each other?”

i missed him so much and i wondered why he couldn’t just be my friend like he always was

in the first grade there was rich and joseph and i got sent to detention with them almost every day with a smile on my face.  we built block towers and sang to my teacher’s lion king soundtracks when she’d turn the lights off during lunch time.  one day they got in a fist fight over me at recess, and i wondered why they felt they needed to share my friendship, like it was something they owned.

in the second grade zach and i played yu gi oh under our desks during free time and i got moved for talking to him constantly.  everyone in the class would tease him and i for talking, asking when we were going to date already, asking him if he’d kissed me, and he stopped being my friend.

when i was 11 i met a chubby boy with the name of a colour who wore puffy vests and unwashed t-shirts, with greasy hair and bright blue eyes and a smile that hid hurt behind it.  people didn’t like him because he was silly, but i liked him, because i was also silly.  he became my friend the day he bought me 5 giant roses and asked me to be his girlfriend, and i politely declined but promised him i’d be his best friend because i’d always wanted a best guy friend that stuck around. we burnt our feet on the concrete during the summer and walked home with the sunset silhouetting us.  he talked often about how he loved me, but never blamed me for being me, even though he refused to move on. that boy dyed his hair jet black and sat on the end of my bed playing songs to me on guitar, and all that pent up rage from before didn’t show until the first time he slapped me across the face and called me a dumb cunt.

in the 7th grade there was a boy named ryan who sat next to me on the bus and talked to me about manga.  he’d ask me personal invasive questions but i didn’t mind because it was attention and i liked attention.  i was dating another guitarist with curly brown hair, one who was much more kind-tempered than the other, and ryan mentioned how much of an asshole he was every day.  i wondered, why, why does he think the love of my life is an asshole?  but whenever i asked him, he just told me, “girls only date assholes.  there’s no room for nice guys like me.”

i wondered, if he was so nice, why did he say such mean things?

he never stopped with me, taking me to movies, hanging out with me, you know.  being friendly.  i thought we were friends.  but then, how many times had i thought that before?

how many times had i bonded with a boy, thought they got me, only for them to ask me if i wanted to make out?

how come when i told ryan i was coming out as a lesbian, he stopped being my friend, and said “damnit, the one girl i really want to pound into a mattress, and she’s only interested in chicks!”

there was a boy my junior year who stayed up all night with me until the sun rose, talking about life, past loves, hopes, dreams.  beneath a million twinkling stars spanning forever, he brushed long brown hair out of his eyes and listened to me talk about the history that made me. then he asked me if i’d ever consider dating a guy, and complained about how he’d never get laid.

when i told him no a couple hundred times, he found new girls to listen to.

i would sit on the couch and play zelda with dakota, and he’d talk about all my favourite games with me.  he was the closest thing to support i had, and the letters and poems he wrote me were always so kind and friendly.  but he’d put his arms around me on the couch, and no matter how many times i told him i was uncomfortable, he’d still come over every day and do it.

“don’t you know how it feels to love someone and not have them love you back?  don’t you know what it feels like to be friendzoned?”

when i meet guys who talk about the friendzone, who talk about the girls who don’t give “nice guys” like them i chance, i always want to just say

when i was 10 years old i met a girl whose brown hair fell across her shoulders and whos eyes sparkled when the sunlight hit them, whose voice was like velvet and whose scent was like mountain smoke, who made me dizzier than a fly climbing a sugar hill.  and i’m 18 years old, and i still love her, and she knows, and she doesn’t love me.

but my first thoughts upon hearing her rejection were not “what a bitch,” were not “she just wants a douchebag and not a nice girl like me!” were not “im going to keep pushing her until she dates me,”

they were

“she is the best friend i have ever had, and i am the best she’s ever had, and i would hate to take that away from her.”

so before you play the victim, mr. Nice Guy, before you angrily throw your fedora on the ground and blame the girl you claim to adore so much:

put yourself in the shoes of a girl who thought she made a wonderful friend, only to find out that he just wanted her for sex.  that he just wanted her for a relationship.  a girl who was just an object to win, a prize.  a girl who’s trust you’ve just shattered.

maybe she friendzoned you.  but you girlfriendzoned her, first.

YourFriendElle. Not mine. Holy crap.

I have an exceedingly small amount of notoriety in a community of dorks, nerds, geeks and other people who know the name of Spock’s childhood pet. I have just enough juice to get invitations to appear at conventions and talk about things like game music and Star Trek, which are two things I do professionally.

I’m fairly well-known, so I get lots of opportunities to support people’s crowdfunding efforts. I don’t support them, but I tend to do the next best thing: I tell people that when their product is available, I’d be happy to take a look at it – And if I think it’s cool, I will share it with a lot of people.

That’s what I want people to do with the products that my company makes, by the way. Even if you didn’t buy it, if you liked it please tell other people that you did. It’s a huge advantage for us.

This point-of-view, while very sensible to me, was not shared by YourFriendElle, who wrote to me privately to ask if I would tell people about her crowdfunding effort.

That’s probably the weirdest response I’ve ever gotten – or so I’d thought – but I guess that’s fine. There are a lot of people who follow me on Twitter, a lot of them have crowdsourced projects, I guess a lot of people are going to have a wide array of opinions. An insulting opinion, but whatever. Takes all kinds, right? Right. Except…

Okay. I was wrong. This was the weirdest response I’ve ever gotten. Holy shit. Holy shit. That’s insanity – And if she was willing to throw that kind of vaguebook fire at me, it stands to reason that she would probably do it with others. You can already tell that this isn’t going very well. It’s going to get worse. Hold on tight.

So, I let people know what was going on, and the obvious responses started appearing.

I started reaching out to other people who had supported her crowdfunding thing and letting them know what she’d said to me. On one hand, I’m glad they decided to promote her project, because I’d seen first-hand what happens when they don’t. There were a lot of posts like Matt’s, saying that since this is how she chooses to manage things, she wouldn’t be getting their attention or money.

Then… then this other thing happened.

You need to understand a careful and very, very important shift at this point in time. YourFriendElle decided that people saying that she was wrong was harassment. She said that she was being bullied, that people were being hostile.

It is important to understand that some people are bullies, and that that behavior should never, ever be tolerated. It is an actual problem experienced by actual people, and they need our understanding. They need our attention. They require our defense – And if we do nothing, we are monsters. If we stand by and let it happen, especially in our geeked-up community, we do not deserve its benefits.

But bullying wasn’t what was coming from YourFriendElle’s detractors. What was coming from YourFriendElle’s detractors was the kind of defense I just talked about. She was the one with the vaguebook name-calling, she was the one causing the problems, and I’m extremely thankful that she was called out on it.

Called out on it by many, many people, but one I need to mention specifically. 

ENTER THE VULCAN.

Not a lot of people know who Noelle Hannibal is, and that’s a shame because she can sing the bones right out of your body. I’ve seen her take the stage with just a microphone and no background music, and she can bring it on the real. She’s also an actress: She played the first female Vulcan on Earth in the movie ‘First Contact.’ She is just as protective of our community as I am, and you should really get to know her, if you haven’t already.

Lots of people, men and women alike, weren’t taking the bait.

This strategy was a non-starter. It made things much, much worse. YourFriendElle’s project was at a standstill, her ‘NerdOut’ app’s Twitter page completely wrecked by people who expressed annoyance. YourFriendElle expressed that she had been snarky, and that what was being said wasn’t untrue – She owned up to saying what she’d said.

The time for an apology for all of this was long overdue. If not for what she had said and done, at least for trying to paint people as hostile bullies. In a stunning move to pretty much everyone, that’s not what happened.

Then she started blocking people. 

I don’t really know what happened next. I can only imagine that people started reaching out to her, letting her know that she had turned her reputation into a smoking ruin. That the impact of the conversation had gotten to the point that it was going to have long-lasting effects, probably socially and professionally. She needed to put the toothpaste back in the tube.

I don’t buy it.

Don’t get me wrong – I feel bad for her. I think she caused herself a tremendous amount of grief. I feel very bad for people with whom she’s associated; Geek Girl Brunch is a great example of an excellent group with a fantastic reputation – YourFriendElle is (was?) one of their officers. I feel terrible for anyone working on her app, and if they reach out to me I’ll do everything I can to find work for them, both within my company and with others outside.

I don’t think YourFriendElle understands what it means to call other people bullies and accuse them of harassment. While her initial response and post was absolutely unprofessional, those kinds of accusations have the ability to be incredibly damaging to people. I don’t think she understands that a lot of us aren’t just fans, we’re professionals that pay our bills by making the things that geeks, nerds and dorks enjoy.

Believe it or not, this is the shortest possible way I could tell this story. There’s a hell of a lot more of it through the Twitter stream, but I’m trying to be respectful of your time.

What’s next for me? I’m back to work. What’s next for YourFriendElle? I have no idea. I really hope her apology is sincere, and that she never does this ever again. That would be pretty great. 

rock on

I’ve seen a lot of posts commenting on how there is no fake Star Trek fan or Trekkie, and how which series or movies you like do not determine if you can call yourself a Trek fan. They’re right, it doesn’t matter which Star Trek you like.

However, if you are the sort of Trekkie that comments on a photo of Sulu with homophobic and racist remarks, or the sort of Trekkie that makes violent threats in the general chat on Star Trek Online, or the type that writes an angry homophobic letter to an author of a licensed Star Trek book or even the type who comments on a photo of Captain Janeway with gendered slurs… You are no “real” Trekkie. Be it racism, misogyny, sexism, homophobia, transphobia or ableism, if those are the sort of values you espouse, your interests in Star Trek are superficial at best. You have missed the core values of Star Trek, from the IDIC to Starfleet’s credo. When Star Trek came on the air it instilled hope of a better future, so why are you so eager to drag us into the past?

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[Deep Space Nine and Voyager collectively ruined me for Enterprise. All I can think of as I try to muddle through ENT episodes is how much I miss DS9 and VGR and how I can’t wait to re-watch them again.]

Reblog if you’d notice/care if I left tumblr

if you would be so kind as to reblog this if you feel insecure about your writing skills.