Tierra

I mean… mood.

Meanwhile, boomers: “This is the best service I ever had! Here’s a bible verse on the back of a fake $20 bill! Now maybe you’ll be motivated to get a real job you fucking scum! Jesus loves you!”

Both of those are the realest things ever working in the restaurant industry. Like jesus fuck. Compliments don’t pay my bills, Karen.

turns out my life purpose isn’t supposed to be as small and silent and accommodating and convenient as possible

Sometimes it’s you and your iced coffee against the world

this text from my father is funnier than anything I’ve ever said

how did my ancestors survive the brutal unforgiving wilderness when I get anxiety sweats from going to Target

to be fair im sure your ancestors would have the exact same reaction going to a Target

In the brutal unforgiving wilderness false positives cost nothing and false negatives are expensive. You’re better off being afraid of something that can’t hurt you than not afraid of something that can hurt you.

In a world where we mostly aren’t in danger, day to day, as long as we don’t play in traffic or jump off something, that’s no longer quite as adaptive.

We got our anxiety from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who were scared enough to survive, and pass on those genes! 

It helps me sometimes to think about that at night, when I can’t sleep because my heart is pounding over something like “what if my usually reliable alarm clock doesn’t work in the morning for some reason and I’m late for work and lose my job and everyone hates me.” There’s nothing wrong with me, I just have a lot of extra, unused run-from-tigers juice that my grandparents left me.

“Unused run-from-tigers juice.”

I love that.

Our brains have been running Hunter/Gatherer 1.0 for 60,000 years without a software upgrade.

excuse you. tools and language are each worth a major update at least.

we’re on like Hunter/Gatherer v1.2.7 or thereabouts

These people went from lifting chips to pulling off some action movie shit

This is the most Chaotic Neutral thing I’ve ever seen.

The teamwork is fucking outstanding.

this kid is living in 2057

This kid just activated a Russian sleeper agent somewhere

i’m screaming @ this finesse…. yes girl get that republican coin…….

if you are a man who had sex with a woman, and she became pregnant, and decided to abort, she does not “owe” you any say in the decision. all you did was bust a 10 second nut and suddenly you get a decisive say in whether or not she goes through 9 months of insanity and a painful expensive labour cause YOU want the kid? fuck off. your role in the creation of that fetus is minimal at best. if you really, genuinely wanted a child with her, you would have PLANNED for the conception of a child with that woman BEFORE y'all fucked. stop giving me that shit about “both of them created it together so they get equal say in the matter!” NO a man ejaculated and THAT’S IT, everything else regarding conception is on the woman’s body, she gets the final say in whether or not she’ll carry to term, NOT you. go adopt one of the 250,000 children in foster care waiting for someone to love them if you want a kid that fucking badly.

all pro lifers can fuck off my post please I still stand by this 100%

remember that reddit post with the dude who insisted his gf carry the baby to term and she left the baby with him and fucked right off and was faithfully paying child support but he still bitched about how his life was ruined bc he expected her to stay with him bc of the child despite her repeatedly stated intentions otherwise

That’s exactly the intention when they say they want the baby. They don’t want the baby by itself, they want what they assume will come with the baby which is the mother, and trapping anyone into parenthood is terrible.

One of the things Venom did very well that I’m really into is what I like to call Benevolent Possession. 

This idea of sharing your body/head with another creature that’s on your side and actually cares about your wellbeing– and that sometimes you can just tap out and it’ll take over for you. I don’t care if it’s an alien symbiote or a demon or the ghost of a dead pharaoh or whatever, the concept tends to stay the same, as long as that other being decides that they like you and they want you to be happy and in good health.

Those times when you’re just so tired and you know there are things that you Need To Do but you know if you push yourself any harder today you’re going to fucking break down? Just hand the joystick to your buddy and let them do their thing while you disassociate for a while.

Get caught in a depression or anxiety spiral that you can’t get out of? No need to worry, you’ve got a bunkmate inside your head who is aware of the situation, and they’re louder and more persistent than the other voices in your head. 

Pining for your ex? Good thing you’ve got a second opinion right there in your head telling you that it’s not a good idea and they don’t deserve you anyway.

Second-guessing what you wrote in that email to that very important person? Guess who you can ask about it.

Scared of walking alone outside for fear that something bad could happen? No need to worry, you aren’t alone, and if anyone tries to hurt you, your friend will f̶̨͉̬̜̹͙͈̍̂͒͘͞͠ͅư̴̦͕̰̞͛̈̄̾̇͢ç̧̛̦̱̫͌̆̑̆̿̚̚͜͢k̷̡̭̻̯͈͑̏̓̀̏̐͋̈̚͠i̸͈̤͍͚͔̙̹̙̮̿̊͂͒͋̇̑̾ͅn̷̼̮̳̥̱̊̉̋͒̄͗̌ͅg̷̺̞̠͎̼̙͉̬͉͌̿̽̒̓̚ ę̼͔̪̺̒͗́̈́̏ǎ̛̹̪̫̲͎̜̜̼̩̒̇̑͟t̩̮͈͕̰̎̀̽̽̀ t̴̡̼̬͚̞̂̀͊̾̒̃̊͑͜h̸͙̻͍͕͐̊́̋͢͡ę̖̟̬̟̰̫̭̖͔̾̃̄̑̍͘͠m̺̭̲͚̥̬̪̔̔̓̓̈́̅̚͡͝.

It’s just something that really appeals to me, you know?

Enchantress: I turn you into a hideous Beast. What are the names of your servants?

The Prince: Lumiere, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts -

Enchantress:

I BURST OUT FUCKING LAUGHING OMG

When your brain finally has some good creative ideas but it’s 3 AM and you need to sleep

Adult things arent NEARLY as complex as I thought they were growing up I just walked into bank of america and said im here to open a checking account and they said ok and opened me a checking account

If you have anxiety about being an adult, it may help to think of adult things as basically just doing a lot of quests.

Me: [googles “where do i get a passport”] Me: [goes to that building] Me: [asks first person I encounter] Where do I get a passport? Them: Third floor, room twelve. Me: [goes to that room] Me: [asks first person I encounter] Where do I get a passport? Them: That desk over there. Me: [goes to that desk] Me: Where do I get a passport? Them: Fill out this form. Me: [thinking] Silver key opens the garden gate, in the garden is the red key, which opens the red door, there’s a boy in the red house who tells you his dog is trapped in the old abandoned barn and can I please rescue him…

being an adult is a serious of fetch quests and waiting in lines

I’ve long said you can’t trust straight historians

straight ppl: *literally defiling a corpse* theres no historical evidence of lgbt ppl sweaty (:

“someone in the ancient world…” Trans men been loving women since forever and don’t forget it.

I JUST learned that this shirt cost them $10,000 to put into this movie… but they refused to compromise because they were like: he’s the hugest Golden Girls fan… this has to make the movie… so they paid $10,000 to use Bea Arthur’s likeness on this shirt…  Ryan Reynolds, you’re doing Deadpool so right.

They traded all the guns in the final climactic showdown for Bea Arthur’s face. Worth it.

Reynolds paid it himself, out of pocket. It didn’t come from the budget. He talked with Bea’s sons and they agreed to it for a donation to Bea’s favorite charity. ☺️

I did not know that. That’s so much better than I could have imagined.