@lynnithong on Tumblr

I don’t feel like i am a burden, I feel like living is a burden and I’m fucking sick of it

Dislaimer, I’m not going to kill myself.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to or vent to or really I don’t have a space where I feel comfortable venting things sometimes about my mental health and I know like my friends and my sister would tell me that I can talk to them but I don’t know I don’t really want to or like it’s kind of hard to describe I just want a platform where I can just like Make a vent post And not get like judged or I also don’t really want people to like send me messages and I don’t want people to be concerned but I need to like get shit out there sometimes…

Recently I’ve just been feeling like sort of I guess super depressed which is not unusual for me but everything feels like a burden like everything feels so heavy little things like washing the dishes or eating even things like just like having to feed the dog or take Him for a walk or just generally caring for him is so hard and caring for myself is hard enough and I just feel like stressed out but like for no reason and everything is actually going really well in my life so like I have no reason to be feeling like this but I don’t know but I do

And I love my job I love where I work I love my boss I love the people I work with I love my clients like my job is pretty much perfect but there are little things that get to me like one specific person I work with who always makes little critical comments And is just generally annoying and she talks so much and never seems to know when to stop until I give her attitude and I’m trying to be professional because I’m at work with clients but sometimes she says things that just really irks me and I can only take so much also waking up for work is becoming more and more challenging even though I only work three days a week and I don’t have to wake up until 10 AM which for most people is like a regular time for some people that’s even considered late in the day by most people standards 10 AM is not very early but for me it is and I’m having a harder time every time and work is fine when I get there but I guess maybe I am feeling a little burnt out which also I feel guilty about because it’s like I only work three days a week and it feels pathetic but when I think about it my work days are basically 12 hours I mean it’s anywhere from 8 to 10 hours actually at work but then there’s the commute

Anyway I just came home to a sink full of dishes which have been there since yesterday which is not a big deal and I love my boyfriend but sometimes when I know he doesn’t really have anything going on in the day like why doesn’t he just wash the dishes sometimes he does but like today he had band practice but she didn’t go out until it until the afternoon and me on my days off the very first thing I do is wash the fucking dishes and like why do I feel like my entire life revolves around washing the dishes and I’m just fucking sick of it and I wanna smash every dish I wanna punch a hole in the fucking wall I don’t know I feel anger I think I’m building a resentment about this but so I need to have a conversation with him about it but it also feels like such a bitchy thing I don’t like I feel guilty for feeling like this like I shouldn’t be mad about dishes in the sink but my friend is coming over for me to do her hair tomorrow and I have to do laundry before she comes because we don’t have any clean towels and yes we are both busy but I feel like I do so much on my days off but also I feel like I don’t do anything on my days off and my feelings about this are so conflicting it’s so weird like I don’t know and what does he do on his days off he plays video games all day and lets the sink full of dishes sit there and I feel like this is the main thing that I ever complain about and I wanna fucking kill myself over it It’s pathetic

lynnithong

I absolutely fucking hate tik tok and I’m resenting my boyfriend for watching it and being obsessed and addicted to it.

lynnithong

It’s been a long time since I truly felt bored, but I am bored as fuck right now

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SewBeautifulx on Etsy

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lynnithong

I really hate re living the feelings and memories of him and her. And knowing he still has a “platonic” relationship with her but still has those feelings for her and goes back and forth between being fine and wanting more with her and I feel so disrespected by him maintaining this relationship with her. He said she said she doesn’t understand why I’m not cool with them being friends. And I’m like 🤨😤🥴 ugh you fucked my boyfriend and are like talking to him all the time???!!! I’m not fucking crazy, you’re just a fucking bitch.

lynnithong

Good thing I don’t own a gun because I would 100% shoot myself.

lynnithong

I used to feel like I was so fucking lucky to have him. I never thought this would happen. And I still feel like I’ll never find someone as good as him. If the person that I thought was the best, Is actually scum, then what’s left?!?

Am I brainwashed?

I just wanna fucking die.

lynnithong

I’m feeling conflicted and kind of upset as usual lately because my relationship is teetering on the edge of destruction

He is pretty insistent about wanting to have sex with other people because he’s afraid to live his life with regret and he didn’t have opportunity to fuck a lot of people before him and I got into a relationship and saying that the only way we can stay together is if we fuck other people together he wants threesome but only with girls And it’s very close minded about involving a guy because this is about him not about me which on the one hand it’s true but on the other completely disregarding anything that I want as well he doesn’t care about Fairness. He’s being incredibly selfish and recognizes that but is embracing it and does t care how it affects me.

But he also recognizes that I treat him super well, even better than our friends and how their girlfriends treat their partners. Like I am the ideal partner in so many ways. I hate feeling like I’m not enough. and he insists that I AM enough, and yet still wants more. He wants excitement that I can’t provide for him, and I hate that. I can’t relate. I’m not interested in that!

He barely has time for me! How can he have time for someone else too?? When I’m already not getting enough from him. I don’t see opening the relationship as a solution and yet I’m still willing to give it a try but I’m so scared. I feel like I’m going to lose him no matter what.

He feels unworthy of my love and knows he’s a piece of shit, but is doing all this anyway. Because he wants these experiences.

Why does sex have to be such a big part of his existence? AND he says he wants to fuck like as many people as he can. But also says he can’t or doesn’t wanna fuck people if there isn’t an emotional connection. None of it really makes sense to me. I’m being dragged along here, just trying to help him find himself and find his way back to satisfaction. I’ve been doing my absolute best to satisfy him in every way, especially sexually. Multiple times a day. And it’s going really well. He said he doesn’t even have the desire to find it elsewhere right now because I’m satisfying him BUT he knows that inevitably he will want more from others, and it seems to be on his mind so much. Even though he says we’re having great sex, why would he still crave that excitement of the unknown and unsureness and newness? I just can’t relate so I don’t really get it.

I mean I act kind of do get it because I definitely wanna fuck other guys but it’s not that big of a deal? Like I don’t really care. It would be fun but I would never want to compromise my relationship just for some fun? When we can have fun together?

He says I’m not even his type. And then immediately points out my double chin. And like generally my chunkiness is not what he’s into. He like skinny girls with big boobs and a nice ass (I do have those things, but plus a little extra), and he likes sharp features, strong jaw. Like. To me, it sounds like he wants what every single other guy wants. A perfectly hot girl who is definitely out of his league. So of course I retorted with telling him he has a huge nose and I never loved that, and he’s not really attractive but I’ve grown to think that he is.

Like. Sometimes I feel like he just doesn’t like me, let alone love me. He is so conflicted in himself and I just wanna spend my life with him without any of this bullshit. I don’t want to be single. I don’t wanna share my life with anyone else. I don’t want to start all over.

I’m really struggling with what he wants and I just wish he didn’t want all that. I don’t think he even fucking deserves all that. And he’s made it clear that if roles were reversed, he would have left me. So like wtf. But we live together and we also talked about kids in the future! Idk what the fuck to think. Every day I feel afraid to do too much of like organizing and putting art on the walls because I’m afraid we will break up any day now. Even on the best days, like yesterday was a really good day for the most part. And then we had the hard conversation again.

I just want stability and security and not only is he not giving me that, but he’s REALLY rocking the boat by being insistent on acting on his desires. I just feel like…. I don’t get why it’s such a big deal to him. He said he wants to fuck other poeple but that I’ll always be his #1 and he wants to be able to come home tk me and the love that I provide. and that’s great and nice but not enough for me. I just don’t feel comfortable with the idea of him enjoying intercourse with someone else, especially if it requires an emotional connection. He is not willing to compromise. Actually I guess the compromise for him is that we stay together.

He seems to feel so entitled to fucking other people. Like his toxic masculinity is taking over. The way men are treated and raised in the world, it’s like this is expected of them and too bad to the women who get hurt while the men go and fuck around. How is that cool and fair?? 6 years in a monogamous relationship, and this is something he’s wanted for a long time but never was able to say it until now. It’s a big change and I never saw myself as wanting to or being able to share my partner. This could end up actually really good for us, or completely destroying us. I’m so afraid and so hurt.

He has a hard time even telling me he loves me. Always. All I want is to be told that I’m loved, and I need more physical affection. Hugs, cuddles, head scratches, kisses…. Some days are really good but idk, he’s so hot and cold.