ugly today

ugly tomorrow

ugly forever

Look at that snatched waist and sock bun. She’d do numbers on Instagram

this website was a mistake

Soft as Silk, Sweet as honey, Dumb as shit, I ain’t got no money

standing up and blacking out for a few seconds is just transitioning from a cutscene to the actual gameplay

its a loading screen

(to the tune of uptown girl) uptown rat. he wears a very silly pointy hat

look I know the instructions were right there but you have no idea how much time I spent trying to sing this to the tune of uptown funk

Sometimes u just gotta make yourself a quesadilla and move the fuck on

The worst part about this post??? People saying “with cheese!” Bitch cheese is literally in the word if it had no cheese it would be a dilla

in some places a quesadilla doesnt include cheese

year 3000. naruto is dead. zoruto, the son of poruto, who was the son of coruto, who was the son of goruto, who was the son of boruto, who was the son of naruto, now has an anime. ‘zoruto is gonna…be better than poruto’ kishimoto assures, at age 1026.

Which part of the Bible is this from

things my boyfriend has done

- urgently marched into A&E and said ‘we’re having knee pain!!’ to the confused receptionist. i had to explain that it was only my knee and that he was just worried

- when asked to tag me in a meme of ‘what water are you?’, said ‘you are the ocean: home to all friends’

- loved ‘filthy gorgeous’ and, rather than learning the words, learned ‘all three parts in the song where they ring a triangle’

- after we had an argument about him not ‘getting’ my ADHD, i caught him halfway through a three hour playlist of lectures on ADHD, with a pen in hand, taking notes

- he suffered a TBI last summer and he did not like the orienting questions they ask (’what year is it? what day is it?’ etc). when asked ‘do you know where you are?’, he cracked one eye open and angrily said ‘in bed!’

- he played knack 2 and hated it. when i asked why he was still playing it, he said ‘so i never have to play it again’. he got every achievement and as soon as he got the last one he stood up, ejected the disc and returned it to the store

- lately he’s given up on making lunch so he just drinks huel which is a meal replacement shake, except huel is kind of boring so he sometimes puts nesquick strawberry powder in there

- my favourite drink is pepsi max. when asked about his dreams for the future, they often involve ‘being rich enough to find a way to pump pepsi max directly into our house’

- one time in our first year of dating i hadn’t seen him in weeks, whereas we normally saw each other all day every day, so i was gonna go stay with him for a couple days. he had a temporary job (i’m talking 2 weeks total) at the time and i was bummed that i was gonna be alone at his for a bit, but w/e. he was texting me like ‘work is going okay, in the line for the canteen right now’ while i got on the bus. i found the key where he said it was, i found a note on the table like ‘hi love! the wifi code is [password], I’ll be back at 5!’, and then I went into the lounge and he was there. he was lying on a fold-out bed with Marvin Gaye playing. the TV was on a powerpoint slide that said ‘Welcome, Jess. I quit my job.’ he was entirely naked except for a cushion with the letter ‘D’ over his crotch. im 95% sure there were candles

- we play the game Rimworld, where you micromanage a colony of people on an alien planet. he uses it entirely to simulate a peaceful colony, mostly of women, who have a large number of animals they care for and train. one time he got this random event where all the women in the colony got a psychic mood boost and he was like ‘honestly that’s my life goal’

- when he was in hospital and his cognitive functions were slowly coming back, he looked up from twitter with horror and said ‘jess… is the american president a racist?’

- we were playing Articulate, which is a game where you have to describe a word without saying the word itself. His partner said ‘when you’re beginning sex, you are…’. he, without a second of hesitation, yelled ‘FOREPLAY’. the answer was actually ‘initiating’, but my ego grew like fourteen times

- one time he asked me what guacamole was, and i told him, and he said ‘if it’s made up of things that already have names why does it have a different name?’ i have not let him live this down yet

- i used to have an eating disorder, and whilst i’m good 99.9% of the time now i occasionally do have wobbles. one time i’d eaten some mini-donuts and i told him ‘i kind of want to check the calories on those…’, so he immediately pulled the label off and ate it

- i lost him for like twenty minutes at a uni event, and when i found him he presented me with a pepsi max badge and said ‘i rode this mechanical bull to try and win you a year’s supply but i fell off pretty quickly. sorry.’

- we won the ‘best couple’ award in our year at uni, but neither of us were there to collect it because i was ill and he left halfway through to come home and take care of me

- one time he wasn’t paying attention while making lunch and he cracked an egg directly into the bin. the look of confusion on his face was priceless.

- on the rare occasions when i wake up before him, when i kiss him/ touch him he makes these little like… activation sounds? you know like when you touch a cat? it’s like those

This is the cutest thing I have read with my own eyes

holy shit this is so pure and precious.

You thought 😏

In my defense, your honor, I really am the dumbest bitch alive

so the thing about my family is that we have two ancestors on my dad’s side who were buried in france, where I currently live. one died in the spanish civil war, and one died prior doing…we don’t know what. but he somehow managed to get buried in père lachaise. 

so anyhow, my gran sends me a message like “pls put flowers on ur uncle samuel’s grave because he’s gone over a century with none and it will make the ghost mad if he hasn’t already” because my family spends time in europe but never long enough to go all the way to père lachaise and give ya boy samuel jr. his death rites. so im like “ok gran I can do that” bc im a good grandson and you do not fuck with gran she doesn’t DESERVE THAT 

i figure out which plot he’s on and ask someone specifically where you can find uncle samuel jr. and they tell me where and so I arrive at the junction and. 

HE GONE. 

WHERE DID YOU GO UNCLE SAMUEL. 

*celine dion’s smash hit “my heart will go on” playing in the distance* 

in other words either someone stole my entire great great uncle samuel or he has risen again, ready to party in paris for all of eternity. 

You’re pretty chill about a corpse disappearing.

My guy, my dude, he’s been dead since 1851. He could be anywhere. He does what he wants.

do you ever just sit around and think I’m in my twenties.

On the contrary, I just sit around and think “I’m in my mid-20’s”, whole nother existential crisis

Late 20s

Wattpad fics be like;

I was asleep and my mom ran into my room, packing my clothes for me in my Aeropostale suitcase “Mom what are you doing” She looked at me and sighed, putting her cigarette out on her hand “They are here” I was confused, I rolled out my light purple stripped comforter and ruffled my long thick blonde hair with brown streaks in it “Who are” “Your new owners.” This is the story of how one direction bought me

kbtbb: what turns the bidders on

eisuke: dominance

soryu: playfulness

baba: dirty talk

ota: pigtails

mamoru: teasing

Headcanon: What the Gods look like in Real Life

ICHTHYS: Heath Ledger (10 Things I Hate About You)

AIGONOROUS: Young Johnny Depp

ZYGLAVIS: Yang Yang

DUI: Ezra Miller (We Need to Talk about Kevin)

TEORUS: Lucky Blue Smith

PARTHENO: Brian Whittaker

TAUXOLOUVE: Marlon Teixeria

LEON: Christopher Mason

SCORPIO: Francisco Lachowski

KARNO: Reece King

HUEDHAUT: Joshua Brand

KRIOFF: Benjamin Jarvis

BONUS: KING OF THE HEAVENS:Bartek Borowiec

DAYUM

oh yeah i love anime my favourite is uhhhh

I dunno I prefer