I’m moving now and that’s my new blog

Ahh I got tired too easily and I think my mutual system is a bit uncomfy so if you are a mutual here and follow me there and can’t do it it’s ok I really don’t mind and it’s kinda pointless to ask considering that i’m still on tumblr also in that case i’d be lonely i don’t even understand what i want

idk 

Ok so I’m leaving this blog tomorrow but

if you’re a mutual of mine and are willing to follow this:

You can ask for my new blog url 

ok so i’m abandoning this blog tomorrow

maybe my artblog too, idk, maybe i’ll save the artblog at least...i’ll make another private blog or smth and i’ll give the url to mutuals if they ask

i’m sorry

also raye did u read it im sorry bud bye

[Long post] @ people i know here, specially the Kingdom

I actually have thought a lot about how to word this and I don’t know what to do...

I whine too much everywhere, I can’t really shut up about anything. It’s obvious that my depression is untreatable, it has been for 8 / 9 years already, I have always been like this but now that I’m older it got much worse because of different kinds of abuse I went through. I know I can’t see the future and that’s something everyone tells to people with depression but it’s been almost 10 years...I can’t see what’s going to happen next but based on the fact than in 10 years it never actually got better I doubt it will. 

Depression treatments are always focused on helping people with non-autistic brains. Some of those treatments work for a number of autistic people but they have never worked for me and many others. I have read a lot of articles about how autistic people are more likely to commit suicide, everyone is like “wow that’s awful and concerning!” but do nothing about it.  I mean people with the power to do so. They think autism is the problem but it isn’t. They focus on the wrong things, making us feel like our neurotype is the reason we are unhappy, that the only way to be happy for us is to pretend we’re not ourselves. And now it’s too late to fix me, you can’t just erase my childhood and teenage years. Those things won’t heal easily.and I can’t heal in the same way a non-autistic person could. 

So what I’m saying here...I’m not going to get better. I know I will always feel like this. When I write these things on tumblr or twitter I’m not doing it for you to tell me otherwise, I do it because even though I don’t want to believe that I’m a bad person or that I deserve everything I can’t help it, and while I need validation from my friends here I don’t want anything else. I know you can’t help me with that.

However, I want to explain things a little. I don’t know what I’m going to do next, I can’t tell everything that has happened to me, it’s too long and ugly. I have only told what I can and it’s already long and boring to read. I’m thinking about closing my twitter account (or keeping one just to follow Heechul fanbases) and making this blog only a Heechul blog and nothing else. Maybe later I will make a private blog if someone wants to know what I’ve been doing or if I’m still alive, and my artblog will be still here I guess. 

I’m thankful for all the cool people I have met here, you’ve been very nice to me. I’m sorry. I won’t do this inmediately, probably tomorrow I’ll write something nicer to all of you. I have been a petal for less than a year...putting it like that, I have already caused tons of trouble for a newbie ahah...specially during the times when the Gunheechul Kingdom was 100% active. I’m sorry for everything. And for the Gunheechul Kingdom members...ahh you know it sucks for me to leave, it sucks because you were the first friends I made without my sister’s help who weren’t related at all to any of the ugly parts of my life. You were 100% new people, I thought I would get over all those things and start again but here I am breaking our friendship ahah...I’m sorry...I don’t want to keep annoying you all, a lot of kingdom members are sad as well, you know why I can’t keep doing this anymore and I know you find it silly but ghh...I can’t stand feeling guilty for another thing. I tried to joke about it and ignore it, but ah I can’t keep doing that. You are not bad, though, and I know most of the things I did were because I thought I was actually being a good person, but those things were wrong.  I got too excited about the idea of belonging to this group of fandom outcasts that I faked so much strength at first, I tried to defend my ideas too harshly, I was petty and mean to whoever disagreed with me. I’m sorry for that as well. rayedictator , thank you. You really don’t know completely how much you changed my life. I give Heechul too much credit for it, saying he gave me a reason to draw and keep living when I was giving up on everything last year...and that’s true, but if it wasn’t for you all the Gunheechul thing wouldn’t have happened in my life and while I now feel terrible for it, I can’t regret all the cool stuff. Some moments we spent together as a kingdom like the afreeca streams, the naked instavid, their business trip to Osaka...I had so much fun and you made me meet awesome people and ghh...idk Raye I love you so much...I’m your...friend ?? but I still try very hard to impress you all the time ahah...I’m sorry... royalgengchul heesyrax buds ahhh....I will miss you...we’ve ..been patting each others’ backs all these months...everything has been so hard for the kingdom and now it’s like...dead...aha...but Bya, you don’t get as much recognition as you deserve for translating Gunhee’s posts....I’m glad Gunhee follows your fanaccount, all your hard work will be worth it in the end! If it wasn’t for you we wouldn’t know as many things as we do since fansites don’t always translate things with the #gunheechul hashtag,  being a kingdom member has always been such a struggle...and Edel...I loved your fics, I hope you can keep writing....thanks for all your theories and cool ideas...and for listening to my endless Magical Boy Heechul and Prince Heenim x Knight Gunhee stories...ahaha...I’m sorry...I love you... kimheenism conny ahhh...thank you for your gifs and for always being there for me, you have been so nice to me and i love you i’m sorry... ahh this is getting too long....ahh i really do love everyone in the kingdom...i love you all so much i’m sorry...idk what’s going to happen next but if i can draw, i will not stop drawing gunhee like...i haven’t stopped being a devil, gunhee is still important to me...i’m sorry my whole body aches now aha....i’ll answer my psychiatrist’s mail and then go to sleep....probably i will write something else tomorrow i’m sorry....there’s so many people i haven’t mentioned ubt...ahh sorry i started writing this so nicely but i got too tired to make it readable ahha...hh