A reminder that if you miss my lyric-diary type posts you can find them: https://mastodon.social/@KepTrefler
While I have been gone, I have played a lot of FFXIV and that game has Zepla as a content creator (I watched a ton of her stuff to learn early on) and she’s great, and I’m glad she’s a real person out there in the world.
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nosafeanchorage-deactivated2023
Well isn’t this perfect. 10/10
Everyday I wake up and spend too much time looking into Cyberpunk 2077 story DLC Information.
I love this game without it but also I want more of the game and although the story as it is now to me is acceptably complete, there just is comfortably room for…more.
I’ve played this game most days since release and I still find things to do or explore…But when those explorations uncover cryptic hints about the moon, the Crystal Palace, Busan, even local Pacifica…I find myself more often then not at the water’s edge looking up at the rockets launching off…
…And I want to know everything.
Often I do wonder if I should post here again. There was a time in my life where this blog was the world to me, it saw me through dark days.
I keep telling myself “you can’t go home again,” but maybe I just want to get in the same boat and I’m willing to travel in it to a different destination.
It’s that or start a new blog I think.
I can’t decide. So I’ll just start with this.
“I could never feel the justification for the adjective “cruel” so applied to the sea. Even though it swallowed you up it was friendly and gave you a final resting place in the quiet of its depths.”
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Because traumatized people often have trouble sensing what is going on in their bodies, they lack a nuanced response to frustration. They either react to stress by becoming “spaced out” or with excessive anger. Whatever their response, they often can’t tell what is upsetting them. This failure to be in touch with their bodies contributes to their well-documented lack of self-protection and high rates of revictimization and also to their remarkable difficulties feeling pleasure, sensuality, and having a sense of meaning.
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me immediately after one vague mention of anything
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If you want to know how creepy this game got for me at times, Anders Hellman is not only named ANDERS but he’s the spitting image of of fucking Michael Dillon...The Devil ending is my personal canon ending, I’ll get more into why this is creepy in another post but like...fuckkkkkkk
Who is michael Dillon? Should i google him? You got me scared and curious
He was the first trans man to get phalloplasty and is also my personal hero. There probably is no one I look up to more then him. The dude flat-out invented medical transition for himself before it existed, was an excellent rower, world-traveler, religious scholar and the list goes on... I adore him. You can read his autobiography here: https://www.amazon.com/Out-Ordinary-Gender-Spiritual-Transitions/dp/0823274802 The fact that Anders Hellman looks exactly fucking like him is a pure coincidence, there is no way it would not be. But this game is full of weird personal coincidences for me.
Okay, so a messy version of why this is creepy to me personally...(Besides the obvious, being they look exactly alike, down to wearing a god-damn signet ring...) . I have a lot of very messy, complicated thoughts about this game and a lot of that is based in how closely the whole damn thing was for me, a dark mirror of myself and my life. I have felt haunted by Dr. Michael Dillon’s legacy, ghost, story, whatever for...A really long time. He and I had a lot of the same life questions. He saw the world a lot like I do. We also lived weirdly similar lives...It’s weird. I have spooky thoughts I entertain for fun but it’s enough to say that I relate to and look up to this man. I don’t know what I would have done had he never existed before me. I treated a lot of my conversations with Johnny as if they were conversations with Dr. Dillon and the game as a whole as a cautionary tale. I’ll get into it later but that whole conversation you can have with Johnny at the end of The Devil ending was like the biggest “why you suck” speech I have ever gotten in my whole life. Sometimes, when I am desperate or sad or lost I pray, and I ask for Michael Dillon’s help... I cannot even tell you how many times that prayer weirdly is returned, coincidence or not... It’s fucking spooky. That’s not even getting into his look-a-like’s name being Anders Hellman of all things.
keprambles reblogged
If you want to know how creepy this game got for me at times, Anders Hellman is not only named ANDERS but he’s the spitting image of of fucking Michael Dillon...The Devil ending is my personal canon ending, I’ll get more into why this is creepy in another post but like...fuckkkkkkk
Who is michael Dillon? Should i google him? You got me scared and curious
He was the first trans man to get phalloplasty and is also my personal hero. There probably is no one I look up to more then him. The dude flat-out invented medical transition for himself before it existed, was an excellent rower, world-traveler, religious scholar and the list goes on... I adore him. You can read his autobiography here: https://www.amazon.com/Out-Ordinary-Gender-Spiritual-Transitions/dp/0823274802 The fact that Anders Hellman looks exactly fucking like him is a pure coincidence, there is no way it would not be. But this game is full of weird personal coincidences for me.
If you want to know how creepy this game got for me at times, Anders Hellman is not only named ANDERS but he’s the spitting image of of fucking Michael Dillon...The Devil ending is my personal canon ending, I’ll get more into why this is creepy in another post but like...fuckkkkkkk
keprambles reblogged
Anders stays up late reading a lot (and nobody can convince me that he doesn’t wear slippers)
Demon Limbs -by PVRIS Oh, I know. I can feel the shifting in my bones. Enclosed, are the senses so unknown...
I've been changing, falling, fading- There's demons at the door patiently waiting.
But I...wasn't...composed of broken bones or demon limbs. So please watch over me. And be the light to carry me. Please be the light that carries me.
I can feel it being torn from my hands; my innocence! This change, it's all so permanent... Can't you see the change in me?
I said it's all so permanent.
There’s no placement...no arrangement of words that I could say to keep these changes away.
But I...wasn't...composed of broken bones or demon limbs. So please watch over me. And be the light to carry me. Please be the light that carries me.
This World, is a masterpiece! A canvas sheet, accountable for such losses.
Shout out to the artist! Who took his heart and his soul and lost them both in the process...
...
If it gets hard on me, please be the saint to save me.
So please watch over me and be the light to carry me.
Cyberpunk 2077 got me wanting to blog again
I want to talk about Cyberpunk 2077 here and I think I will. I wrote a huge clever post about it, but my dumb-ass deleted it by accidentally hitting the [go back] button on my mouse...genius. I found the story I played to be profoundly...”It me” and I don’t think I could be the only one. I mean that’s also part of why I started my non-stop Theon chatter...That still happens by the way, just not here...But maybe I’ll get up to that again too. Being a Theon Scholar is a HELL of a hobby...And I miss it. But anyway; Cyberpunk 2077: To be clear I intend to discuss my perspective on the game from the perspective of a binary identified, straight trans-man who experienced/experiences a high level of body dysphoria. I have a generic narrative, knew young, had a shitty childhood, medically started transition at 20: I’m 32 now. My canon play-through of the game used a feminine-bodied V with the male-gender attached to him. I deliberately designed his body to be very femme to imitate how I felt/feel (despite transition at times) about my own, but I kept his hair and clothes masculine and...Uh...Fuckk....fuck....fuck....It was...Cheap therapy...And more effective. But I don’t have time to talk about V now. But I will because I can’t talk about a lot of my own issues without hiding it behind fictional representations and...This is my blog...so this is a place to share my thoughts about my life with the world if there ever was fucking any. I hope that if I do, they have some value for you even if we end up disagreeing. That’s for anything really.
