archnerd

So maybe you didn’t get the job you wanted right out of college. Maybe you had to take a different job. Maybe it’s not something you ever thought you’d be doing. But you work hard and you try to be good at what you’re doing even though it’s not where you thought you’d be. And then maybe you realize that the job you have, although it is not exactly what you wanted, is rewarding and intellectually challenging which is something you need. And then maybe you fall in love with your coworker. And maybe he’s not exactly the person you thought you’d fall in love with because he’s 28 years older than you. But maybe he’s everything you didn’t know you were looking for. Maybe it’s not conventional but maybe it’s perfect. Maybe you start to think that you’ll stick with this job. Maybe it offers you opportunities and the opportunity to spend more time with the love of your life. And maybe you take offense when people tell you that you are selling yourself short because after all, “you are so smart” and you should go to graduate school. Maybe those people don’t know the first damn thing about your life or your job. Maybe you finally have a chance at happiness. Maybe you’re finally going to be okay.

It's the way you listen to me like no one else will. It's the way you only interrupt me to tell me you love me. It's the way you hold my hand. It's the way you say "I love you baby" when you call me on the phone at work and it's the way you laugh because you know I can't say it back when I'm in the office. It's the way your hands twitch when you fall asleep holding my hand. It's the way you always open doors for me. It's the way you love your dog as if he were your own child. It's the way you put your head against mine when I lay my head on your shoulder and your scruff gets stuck in my hair and messes it up. It's the way I can't stand being away from you. It's the way you aren't embarrassed to tell me you love me even when you're hanging out with your friends.

My hands don't feel right when you're not holding them.

People always say "go to your happy place" as a way to calm down or escape stress at work or whatever is going on. Well I have a new "happy place" to go to. A ferry ride on a warm, sunny Friday afternoon. My hand in your hand, my head on your shoulder. You're wearing my favorite shirt that you own. It's green plaid. You kiss my forehead. Rebel is asleep in your lap. Your window is rolled down, there is a little bit of a breeze coming through. Seagulls are flying all around. Kids in the back of the truck in front of us are laughing and playing. The radio is playing country music. You've got your sunglasses on but I can tell that you're nodding off because your hands twitch when you fall asleep. I'm drifting in and out of sleep too. It is the most perfect moment that I can imagine. I put my other hand on your forearm because I love you. I love you more than anything. And I never want to let go of you. And I do not recall ever having been as happy as I was in that moment. The ferry gets closer to its destination, which for us means returning to the real world, a place where we cannot be ourselves and no one can know that we love each other. I sit up straight, my hand still in your hand, and our song comes on the radio. "Always stay humble and kind. Don't take for granted the love this life gives you." You don't say anything and I don't say anything but we both know. This is as good as it gets. This is as good as it gets for anybody anywhere. I look at you and you look back at me and you say "Hey." And I say "hey" back. I lay my head back on your shoulder and ask "did you know that I love you?" because that's our thing. "I love you too baby." That's all I'll ever need to hear. This is all I'll ever need.

You are the only thing I think about all day long. You are the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. And if I wake up in the middle of the night…yep, you again. It is 100% butterflies in my stomach when I know I get to see you and fireworks when you grab my hand and all other cliche things that they talk about in movies that I never believed actually happened in real life. When you hold my hand I never want you to let go. Ever. I want to go where you go. Dave Matthews said it best when he said "Where you are is where I belong, where you go is where I wanna be." I don't know how this happened. How did we both end up here? Fate, I suppose. Neither of us would've chosen the job that brought us together. And now neither of us can imagine what would've happened if we hadn't taken this job. I love you because you are the best man that I know other than my dad. I love you because you are a man who is not afraid to cry. I love you because you care more about a seagull with a broken wing than most people care about other human beings. I love that you want to take care of me. I love that you are the only person I have ever met who fully appreciates and loves me for who I am. I love it when you hold my hand in the office when no one else is looking. And I break out in red splotches all over my chest whenever I'm around you and I love it that you love that. And it's a good thing that you love that because I can't help it. You make me nervous in the best way possible. You tell me you will defend me and protect me at all costs. I have never felt so safe and so vulnerable at the same time as I do when I'm around you. I never knew that it was possible for me to feel this way about someone. I have been guarded with my heart and no one has ever truly wanted to know my heart the way that you have. And you understand me more than anyone else I know. I mean, you really understand me. I love you so much I can't stand it. It's almost ridiculous.