Ugh.

TW:DV/ABUSE

It is a weird space and place to be in

To not only love your abuser but grieve them

It’s a fantasy my therapist tells me

The niceness is temporary

He will never change

Things will always be up and down

There’s apart of me that finds comfort in his chaos

I know my body thinks this is home but it’s not

I know my brain feels the familiarity but that doesn’t mean it’s right

He texts me as if he didn’t spend hours threatening and harassing me.

The crazy part is he wasn’t even in the state

He took time out of his trip to do that

I think about the person he was with

Do they not see this

How could you hear this or witness this and still stay

Eventually it will be you

I think about the person feeding him information about me and I feel sorry for her

I’ve seen the devil in him

I’ve experienced his wrath

The honeymoon is always short

It never lasts

Something will set him off

It always does

God I remember him crying in front of me

I remember holding him this one vulnerable moment and now I don’t even think that was real

He told me he loved me

I foolishly believed him

Silly of me to conflate the two

I remember when I experienced this in high school I promised myself I’d never ever feel this pain again

Well here I am…..

I want off this hamster wheel

I want to be done

I want this to be over

I’m revealing too much

Everything is spilling out everywhere and I’m trying my best to hold it all in but I need people to know that this is fucking happening

That it’s been happening

That im scared

Im paranoid

I feel alone even with the support I have

That I don’t trust anyone

god help me through this

Grant me strength in the court room

Let the judge rule in my favor

Let me get my life back

My abuser is getting out of prison

I want to crawl into a ball

I am hurt that my family cannot see the monster I see

How can they ignore the violence we experienced

I used to go to bed and wonder will he kill us, will he kill me....

And yet here they are welcoming him back with open arms

I know what this means and it brings me great sadness because I have to cut them out of my life. I cannot be around people who openly welcome someone who has caused me one of the greatest pains in my life

today I mourn the relationship I have with my mother that has been so hard to keep. Because deep down I know if I give her an ultimatum she will not choose me and I think that hurts more.

I am choosing to sit in these feelings. I cannot avoid them or numb myself. I must sit with this and find the ways to let go and get back my peace.