there is something very strange in this world. men get praised a lot for doing things that maybe should have been expected from them. how many headlines have i seen that read something like “man actually does housework”. how many buzzfeed articles about “this actor actually says he loves his wife and we’re crying about how beautiful that is”. how many heart-eyed emoji-filled retweets because “man shows basic human decency.”
my mom is not a chef, even though every person she has ever served food to is shocked by how good it is. she does not even consider herself a cook. that is a man’s thing. my father reminds me it is just as hard to be a man, because every vulnerability is taken as a chance to attack. at a wedding, a man looks at his soon-to-be wife and actually smiles. it is lauded as the most magical moment in a year or so.
i scroll past the information about a man who stayed by his wife “despite her losing her breasts to cancer”. the woman - or “the wife” - is absent from her own struggle. i sit through a meet-and-greet where the speaker says “the men here today” before adding a hasty “and wives”, where it is noted how many hours men toiled at work and at home. they are praised for their double-shift of a day while the women (the wives, the wives, the wives) look glassily at their husbands. i go to school and i learn more about what men did in history. on the tv, i watch a man meet a talk show host because he learned to braid his daughter’s hair. at my dismissal, i am reminded he didn’t have to do that. i am reminded men don’t have to do that.
i am reminded by yet another white shooter that life is hard for men, you know. i know it is. i know that, for men, domestic violence and sexual assault go unreported and unsolved. that suicidal thoughts go unhelped. that toxic masculinity encourages a social divide between men that leaves many feeling alienated and unable to seek help. i know this because i try to keep an open heart. it is interesting because i know this and yet when i ask a man about what a woman goes through, i am told: it is hard to be a man, you know.
a man quits his job to be with his kids. a man speaks out about feminism. a man cooks dinner for his family. a man stands up to give his seat to someone with bags. a man doesn’t have to, you know. he doesn’t have to.
the wedding is cute. i’m not jaded and i love watching others be happy. my friend crosses her legs and sighs, showing me a headline. a man waited six months for his overseas-deployed wife. my friend and i cry at the video of their reunion.
“i want a love like that,” we say, and the sad thing is: we’re still looking.
