THIS IS NOT A LOVE STORY

re·gret rəˈɡret/ verb 1. 1. 
feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).

It’s Fall semester, I’m on the Coney Island bound B train at like 10AM heading to my art history class, and I’m late. I glance over to the far side of the cart I’m in, near the end. I see a girl. Around 5'1", 120 lbs, A LOT of hair, literally STUNNING. I’m thinking to myself “she’s cute”. Now, when I see people on the train, I automatically think there’s no way I’d see them ever again. However, she got off at my stop, got on the same bus, and entered the same school. So now I’m like “okay she goes to kingsborough too, cool”. But me and my anxiety poisoned mind is thinking

“no way in hell so don’t even try, you ugly as shit boy”

So there, I leave it at that.

So, as time goes on and on I see her more and more on the train and one day she just pops up at my stomping grounds at the time, we called it the “clusters”. So a friend of mine at the time goes and talks to her. I’m like okay good shit. Once again, I dismiss the idea of us ever even coming into contact.

Few days pass I walk into the clusters and I see her and I pass by to say wassup to homeboy, and I couldn’t help but look over to her. And there she was, looking at me.

I froze. Like a fuckin deer in headlights, I didn’t know WHAT the fuck to do. She said the first words, of course. And it went like this:

“Hey you, I’ve seen you before.” “Yeah, on the train” (idiot) “Yeah you take the train with me” “Yeah I see you all the time” (idiot) She says her name, then reaches out to shake my hand. I tell her my name. I stutter a little and reach out to shake her hand. (What do I say next?)

Nothing. Just a smile and I went back to talking to my friend. Once again my shy antics and anxiety stops me from continuing conversation with a the opposite sex. I try to get my mind off it as quickly as possible cause she truly intimidated me. Why am I acting like this? I don’t have anything to lose. I’m ugly as hell, worse thing she can do is not speak to me ever again.

Yeah, for a fact.

Fast forward to spring semester, me and her are actually friends! This is neat, we see each other regularly, and she’s actually not like I thought she’d be. She’s super friendly and she’s just a joy to be around, real open minded and not to mention she’s fucking GORGEOUS. After being friends for a while I find out she has a boyfriend, cool.

“Yeah cool, it ain’t like you ever had a chance anyway, you ugly as shit boy”

Thanks, me.

Nothing really major happens that summer so fast forward to fall semester. I come back to all the hugs and daps from all the friends I made that I hadn’t seen all summer for the most part. But I’m lookin around for ONE person in particular, I look to my friend and I mutter the words “where’s [Her]?” And speak of the devil there she is right in front of me. Hair out, dark lipstick, black biker jacket, black pair of Nike Free 5.0s. I said hi and gave her a hug, like I usually do. Now so far, I’ve been wrong about me ever seeing her again. I’ve been wrong about ever talking to her I’ve been wrong about ever being close to her. Fast forward a few months to winter semester 2016. I’m completely infatuated at this point. If I didn’t see her my day would be incomplete. But the fact remained she still had a boyfriend. That soon changed when she came in one day and told me that her and her boyfriend had broken up for good. I felt bad for her, cause she was my friend and I consoled her. But knowing me I couldn’t help but think THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT NOW. So I picked it up and ran with the shit. We get close, real close. SUPER close. I’m listening to her talk about makeup and shit and I don’t even give a fuck about makeup. Were all over each other, she’s complimenting me, kissing me (cheeks, no lips), hugging me. My mind is telling me “she’s just super friendly don’t get your hopes up kid she’s like this with everyone” but I can’t help but catch feelings. So after a year and a half of avoiding it, denying it and doubting it, I finally embraced it. I’m sprung, and it felt fuckin amazing. I hadn’t felt this good since I got high for the first time on senior trip. Saturday to Saturday she was all I thought about. I always checked her snap to see if she had posted anything just to see her FACE. I was playing a dangerous ass game, but I didn’t care. But how was I gonna tell her? How did I know she even felt the same way about me? This was where I started to overthink, and with overthinking comes disaster. I didn’t know how to tell her cause I was so fuckin awkward and shy. So I came to a conclusion, I’d wait. I’d wait for her to tell me how she felt.

This would come back to haunt me, and still does to this day.

Come spring semester I had all the fucking momentum in the world. I felt like the 1996 Bulls, the 2014 Patriots, the ‘01 Lakers. I had the mindset of a fuckin champion I felt unstoppable and nothing was gonna stop me from making her MINE. I was gonna wait for my opportunity to strike. We sat together like we always did, and asks ever so passionately:

“Why didn’t you pursue me?”

This was it right fuckin here bro. I turned to her slowly “What you mean?” “You know I had feelings for you, right?”

“This is fuckin IT. CHAMPIONS ARE MADE IN THIS MOMENT MY NIGGA GET THAT FUCKIN CROWN” I thought to myself. Now when I told you I was in shock and tried everything in my power to not smile from ear to ear and explode with happiness. Fuckin fireworks went off in my head. But suddenly everything went blank and looked at her again and said… “Had?” “Yeah, I’m talking to someone new now.”

Oh. And now all of a sudden I didn’t feel like the ‘14 Patriots, or the '96 Bulls or the '01 Lakers.

I felt more like the 73-9 Warriors, who, infamously blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA finals after a record breaking season. I just sat there, speechless, mind BLANK and suddenly I found myself falling from the cloud I was on high in the sky, back down to the hard concrete of reality. How could I let her slip through my fingers like that? I just got up and walked away. I almost took my ass home but I had class later on that day. I turned my phone off. She eventually found me, we talked, and I let her go. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like there was still a chance that things could go wrong with her and dude and I should just wait it out. Wrong, I shouldn’t have waited it out.

I SHOULDVE been more aggressive I SHOULDVE told her how I felt sooner. I SHOULDVE poured my heart out then on that bridge in the clusters and NOT just have given her away to someone else.

At the end of the day I felt like I wasn’t good enough, I never did. I didn’t have a job, I wasn’t the best looking man on the planet and did I mention I was broke? I hate myself for feeling that way even to this day. Now all that’s left is nothing but regret and anger. I wish I could go back and say what I should’ve said but unfortunately that’s not how life works. I’ll just have to live with that. Crazy part is, we still talk to this day. I see her every once in a while but not nearly as much as I used to, or would like to. But every now and then she replies to my story on snap (usually its the pictures of me) with three words

“I love you” “I love you” “I love you” “I love you” Every. Single. Time.

And every. Single. Time. I think to myself , “could this mean…? Nah, she has a boyfriend and she’s happy. Get over yourself” and simply reply back:

I love you more Jen.