excerpt from a book that i have been writing. sorry if it is slightly controversial and if the grammar is bad at the moment. just an informal collection of ideas right now. "i am sick and tired of watching people put all of their stock in angels that they hope will come later. so many of us are impatiently waiting for angels to come when we die and for them to carry us peacefully into eternal light. i'm all for that idea.. but i believe that more often than not.. it blinds us of the angels that exist in the NOW. sure.. i am guilty of throwing pennies in wells in case i need friends in hell.. but why do so many people place so many nets under each and every cliff in life? they want to experience the view but don't want to be prepared to feel the fall. isn't the possibility of the fall what makes it grand? isn't the inevitability of death what drives us to feel alive? playing it safe is truly the most dangerous way to live. crazy how little of the population sees that the evils in life can be the best church. that your sins can be a sermon.. and the lack of sanity itself can be the very cathedral they have been waiting for but are ironically already standing in. and angels? people pray to them and god as if they only exist in the latter pages. or as if they can only be found when the book is finished being read. can't they see that there are angels here and now? they are all around us. are the halos not bright enough for them? do they feel as if they have not yet been saved? the greatest angels aren't perfect and the highest heaven isn't pure. my angels have chips in their halos… my angels have tears in their wings.. scraped knees and holes in their jeans. my angels are broken like me.. sad like me.. but also fighters like me. perfection isn't what determines if light exists. all is created by light in some way. after all.. light creates shadows. darkness is the absence of light. if you leave this life looking pretty… you didn't do it right. scars are the souvenirs and unlike most theme parks.. the exit is not found through the gift shop. you can't buy them at the end of the ride. why don't more believe in that religion? the religion of here and now? the religion of seeing god in the eyes and heartbeat of a fellow broken, yet beautiful being? the religion of finding nirvana in a place here on earth that captures both our breath and imagination? we spend so much time pleading for angels that we don't take the time to ask ourselves what angels truly are. we fail to see that both the gowns of white and the horns of night can be found in the very mirrors we vainly live by. demons? yes.. them too. i'm not running from them. they can come along for the ride. because i see myself in those as well. angels are just demons that got second chances… and demons are just angels who weren't ready to say goodbye. we are all saints by day and sinners by night. it's what makes us human. that's what makes it right. why can't the world we live in be good enough? why do we have to count on places outside of our reach? if you want heaven and hell so badly i say love like heaven and live like hell. THAT is a religion. THAT is something that i am willing to put my time and faith in. religion is not somebody else's book.. it is not somebody else's story… it is your own. if you want a bible… write it. believe in belief, have faith in faith itself, and learn to feel love towards love. i live by this and most importantly live FOR this. hell.. believe in whatever movement, god, or idea that you wish to.. but never believe in anything more than you believe in yourself." -amd

love. the ultimate journey. the ultimate consequence.

people spend all of their forevers trying to find love. we break open our piggybanks.. we paint masks… we become top notch conmen. we keep aces up our sleeves and the sheep out of our dreams in hope to find the final treasure.. the light at the end of a tunnel.. the pot of gold. ironically.. we don't yet know who we are conning or stealing from until it's too late.. because in the end.. we are conning ourselves. as people.. for whatever reason, we are wired to steal from ourselves. to live within the thoughts that we aren't good enough.. that we have to fit certain molds with the expectations and weights of multiple worlds telling us we have to find love (and to keep it) to live a life of value and worth. we are rabbits chasing a carrot dangling from a string. riding carousels tricking ourselves into believing that we sit upon majestic stallions on our way to a promised land of gold and eternity. we spend our entire lives chasing these crowns. we pick up gems along the way, sliding them into our pockets with sheepish grins, being too greedy to share or to allow them to see the light of the day. they become hidden mischievous paper weights reminding us that even when we find items of worth.. we will always want more. after all.. isn't that in our nature? to want MORE. because sand isn't as grand as a pebble.. which will never be as prized as a stone… which only dreams of being as mighty as a mountain. what we fail to realize is that the more we strain our bodies traveling to find these crowns.. to find love.. the more we turn ourselves into walking palms across it's very face. contradictions of the very sermon we intend to preach. we need to stop hiding behind our own eyelids. i have found that the crown can be the ground that our starving feet stand and dance upon. life isn't always love. it is the journey TO love. the pain? that's a gem. the disappointment? another one. life is a journey.. and in turn becomes the destination all at the same time. you already have what you are looking for. it was found before you ever started searching for it. if you are walking and living in a world that you have yet to understand.. then the battle is won. understanding is a hand that i hope my mind never shakes. we should enjoy living in wonder. we should enjoy feeling small. instead of putting the gems in your pocket, upset that they all individually are much smaller than you had hoped to find.. gather the gems and align them within the gold that can be found within you flowing through your veins and allow them to form a crown. wear it upon your head like a sky. love does not shape who you are.. because love is actually not knowing who you are. we create IT'S meaning.. not the other way around. love is finding and running into people and places that make you redefine it's very being. love is the journey itself. this why i live with such wanderlust. i thank the universe constantly for fairy tales.. for the mountains we'll never climb.. for the stars we'll never see… because maybe love isn't found at the end of the road… maybe it can be found along the way… maybe love is the road itself. 

-alexander michael deleon

i never believed in angels…

because i had never felt their wings.

i never believed in paradise…

because i had never held the key.

i never believed in mirrors…

because i hated what i'd see.

i never believed in love…

because it never believed in me.

until you.

-alexander michael deleon

2013. 

art credit: helenshowalter.tumblr.com

THESE ARE THE LIES

i don't love you, i don't need you

i don't ever want to see you again

i have moved on, and things are perfect

i'm okay with us just being friends.

cuz i don't think about you, every single night i am fine without you

  i sleep tight when i'm not beside you.

i'm moving on, moving on

no, i don't cry about you, no those ain't tears in my eyes about you

gonna be fine if i die without you

i'm moving on, moving

these are the lies

that i tell myself at night

these are the lies

that are keeping me alive.

cuz the truth is i'm in pieces

my heart may not survive

i tell myself i'm fine. 

i know i'll be alright...

these are the lies.

-alexander

life is cruel. truth, it bends. 

music is my only friend.

hearts they break. love pretends.

music is my only friend. 

winter comes. summer ends. 

music is my only friend.

don't feel bad. i'm content.

music is my only friend.

-amd

don't be afraid to grow old

when wrinkles paint your skin… i'll admire every inch… yes, i'll hold you from within… though versus time we never win… i will love you while we live.

when your hair is turning gray… i will remind you every day… that seasons, they will change… but through december i will stay… and be your march, april, may.

when you're far too old to dance… even if i can barely stand… i'll find the strength to grab your hand… i'll pick you up, love, if i can… and spin you slowly to the band.

when your body's feeling weak… and your lips can barely speak… my knees will still be weak… from the loveliness i see… you'll still be my beauty queen.

when you're missing all of your youth… i will take off both your shoes… kiss you like young lovers do… hold you tight under the moon… and make you feel like you're brand new.

when you think that life is done… i will love you like i'm young… like the day has just begun… with no clouds to block the sun… i'll show you that there's no need to run.

when you're crying from the pain… i'll kiss your head and lay… i'll cry too so you're not ashamed  …while singing songs we used to play… when we were young and on our way.

when you're too afraid to die… i will lay down by your side… as i look into your eyes… tell you we're never too old to fly… when you sail to the other side… i'm prepared to be your kite. 

-alexander michael

what does it take to fall apart? i've shipped off pieces of my broken heart. for being lonely is a lost art… and i'm van gogh painting my own stars.

what does it take to runaway? tears roll fast like a runaway train. you pack the bags and i'll pack the pain. head to the tracks i won't feel a thing.

what does it take to lose control? i have lived so fast just to die real slow. played with fire yet it still felt cold. put a smile on… call it fool's gold.

what does it take to save a life? i send wishes up to satellites. writing letters to the better times. signing "won't give up without a fight".

-amd

i love you.

i love you means that i'll always love you. that i loved you then. that i love you now. that i will love you after. i love you means i loved you before the word was defined. since before life existed. it means that i will love you even when earth is just stardust scattering across infinite space. i love you means you are felt and not just heard. that you exist both behind my eyes and inside my chest. i love you means that i love who you are, who you will be, and who you have been. it means that i love what you do and what you say.  i love you means that your scars and your triumphs are both one in the same. i love you means wrinkles and grey are just the same as porcelain and brown. i love you means i love me. because you are apart of me and i love everywhere and everything that you are. i love you means leaving the world around us in our crossfire. i love you means that we may burn… but that we would rather burn than to live without knowing what it feels like to be ignited. i love you means i won't let go… that i was holding on before i knew exactly what i was holding on to. i love you means i am prepared to free fall… but never prepared to land. i love you means i will never intentionally inflict pain upon you... but if for some reason i ever do.. i will hurt with you until it is gone. i love you means there will be no one else. i love you means that there never was. i love you means a moment. i love you means a lifetime. i love you isn't just three simple words... it's every word i've spoken since your eyes met mine. 

 i love you.

-alexander michael deleon

what is your gold?

gold isn't just a stone and not all gold is heavy. it doesn't all shine. hell… most gold is not gold at all. gold is the purest form of one's individual happiness. to some… it is simple. it can be toes in the sand. open road. a song. to others it may be a hand to hold. to me… gold flakes can even be found on a face. in a voice. in hours spent laughing. in hair falling in front of a pair of shy eyes. in the stars. in pair of lips. gold can be an idea. a being. a state of mind. it is anything you make of it. what is value? what makes something valuable? is it demand? is it based on how rare or pure it is? or is it just how major of a roll it plays in your happiness and/or well being? how can love truly ever be measured? whatever it is… the most precious things found in the world… the things that are worth the most… are not worth selling and are never needed to be bought. they just need to be found. the value is found in the soul. it is not transferrable. never sell the even smallest pieces of your soul. if it brings you light. if it brings you love. hold onto it. it is no one else's to hold. no one else can tell how much your gold weighs. hold on to whatever it is. tightly. by saying "hold on"… i don't mean hide it in a safe. gold should not be locked up in a steel cage. it should not be hidden. gold should be held and felt by our bare hands. it should be seen with our own eyes. it should be constantly touched. by holding what we value in our hands… we can feel the texture. the weight. we can make sure that it's there. gold isn't always found early on in life. it can take someone many moons to find what they are looking for. sometimes it stands in front of your eyes just once. sometimes it lingers. we can never be sure. however… one thing IS for sure. if it's there… if it's right in front of you... you better take it. it won't be there forever. don't let it blind you. don't let anyone else have a chance at it. what are you afraid of? losing it after you find it? just because it is worth substantial amounts… doesn't mean you should worry about losing it. if you don't let it go… it can't be lost. keep that grip. it's better to have something pure and heavy for a split moment... than to never feel it at all. as humans… the worst thing we can ever do is deny ourselves happiness. how do you measure gold? your heart. not by time.. not by business.. but by happiness. by love. our mind's are calculators. you can put numbers in them. you can type amounts and weights in. but even the most powerful of minds and calculators will never be able to tell you what is truly right for you and what is going to take you to paradise. love can't be calculated. only felt. it's the heart that is the universe's most underrated scale. if it weighs heavy on your heart.. if it makes you feel.. if it makes you fight… you need to never let it go. stop putting in numbers and thinking in dimes. you are wasting more than just your time. don't let something or someone that is dear to you fall into someone else's pocket. that gold… that happiness.. that opportunity is yours. you deserve it. it is yours to keep forever. have you found gold? i can honestly say that i have. i am one of the lucky ones. i may be just a pile of bones... but those bones can one day lay to rest knowing i have found something worth laying to rest for. i have felt it. i have sang to it. i have leaned on her shoulder and whispered into her ear. you're going to have to detach my hands and arms from my body before you ever see me let my gold go. i'd rather hold gold in my hands with the possibility of it being rough and scratching me… than hold any other smooth, safe stone in these hands. it is mine. let it be yours. it is in my sky. it is under my skin. it is under her eyes. and it is in every deep breath that i take. i hope to be someone's gold someday. just know that not all of us shine… but we all have worth. we all are gold in ways that we can't yet see or feel… and in due time we will all find a piece of our own. when you do… just promise me that you'll wear it proudly and loudly. it belongs to no one else. don't let me go.

find your gold.

-alexander michael deleon

INK

we all get 365 blank pages a year. souls are all walking ballpoint pens. some are sharp. some feel really good in your hands. some may be dull… but they started out like the rest of us and are still carrying the same purpose. some may be bent or bitten… but they write just the same. as a matter of fact… at one point they will all run out of ink. the truth is… at one point we all will run out of ink. what are we going to spell? who are we going to write on? who will you write on? who will you allow to sign their name across your skin? to be honest… i don't care if the handwriting is nice. i don't mind if it's legible, lovely, or simply chicken scratch. what do i care about? i want the hands that are writing the words to be strong. their blood to be pure in the most instinctual of ways. their heart to be one of gold. people, like handwriting, come in different forms. i have learned to love them all for who and what they are… and more importantly what they aren't. print.. cursive.. no matter the ink… no matter the person… we all have stories. we all ARE stories. when a day goes down as less than we had hoped… we can turn the page. there's a clean one behind it. if a specific day brought a smile to our minds or faces.. we can flip back to that page and read it over again. it's the beauty of life. of memory. of cherishing something worth never forgetting. my favorite things in life are the moments that only happen once. the split seconds that change your mind and the way you think forever. the SINGLE moment that affects ALL of your other moments from there on out. the times you don't need to necessarily relive… because they live inside of every breath you take. i had one last night. let your body be drenched in ink. bathe in it. live. let every place you see and every person you meet make their way into being apart of you. soak in the good. learn from the bad. your body is a canvas ready to be drawn on by every experience and soul. no page belongs in a ball on the floor. they are all apart of the book. be both the ink and the page... and always yourself. 

"let love write on you".

-alexander deleon

"what is a poet? a poet is an unhappy being whose heart is torn by secret sufferings, but whose lips are so strangely formed that when the sighs and the cries escape them, they sound like beautiful music... and men crowd about the poet and say to him: "sing for us soon again"; that is as much to say: "may new sufferings torment your soul."

-kierkegaard

fear.

"you cannot possibly live without the fear of dying".

this came from a conversation i was having with a friend the other night… and i do not believe it could ring any more true. i have heard that the average person lives to be around 77 years old. if that is truly the case… the average person has around 28,105 days. 28,105 days to live… to love… to make mistakes… to learn from them… to fall.. to rise… and to figure out a way to deal with the inevitably of one day not being able to walk the streets that currently surround us. is this scary? of course it is. at least to me. i, for one, do not want to die. some people have faith and some people don't.. but no matter what you believe in… the cold hard fact is that one day (no one knows when) things will drastically change for you and at an exact moment you will be thrown upon some sort of world of difference. franklin d. roosevelt once famously said, "the only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." well, mr. roosevelt… with all due respect, i would have to disagree. i have a lot to be afraid of... but i am not afraid of it. not a bit... and nor should i be. every day i am faced with some sort of fear. the fear of losing someone i love. the fear of making a wrong decision. the fear of hurting someone close to me. but after many moments of clarity i have realized that these fears are some of the most beautifully things to happen to me. "beautifully heavy" as i call them. they weigh me down every day… but what happens when you constantly are pushing against weight? yes. you get stronger. you are building strength, slowly but surely. the fact that i am afraid to die compels me to live. if i had a handful of infinite time and a pocketful of never-ending days…what would be my motivation? what would that do for me? time is both my enemy and my best friend. if i there wasn't the slightest chance of me dying.. what would i be afraid of? skydivers would feel nothing. the butterflies in their stomach would simply lose their wings. what would there be to fight for? would there be love? how CAN there be love with no fear? isn't that what makes love special? the jump. the fall. the not knowing what comes next? isn't that what makes it feel so damn good? when it all works out and you know that pushing through that fear was worth every teardrop that had ever previously hit the floor? no one wants to believe that one day they will just be a statistic… or a number. so we spend our lives trying to BE someone. we become writers, painters, role models, friends, parents, teachers, soldiers… so that we leave our unique fingerprint and indention on the world and sky around us. we all are somebody whether we know it or not. we all have our little niche in this world to make it exactly how it is. take one person our of the picture and the world is a complete different place. everything matters… yet nothing matters at all. this is YOUR story. go fall in love. fly a kite. take pictures of the beautiful world around you. go to the beach just to feel the sand beneath your toes. make friends and memories. smile… because it's okay to be scared.. we all are at times. but just know that living and being yourself is making a difference. it all has an effect on something or someone. without the feeling of weakness… you would never know the power and glory of strength. without the feeling of loss… we would never know the feeling of gain. i wouldn't give up my fear for anything in this world. it is mine and i hold it close. it makes me appreciate the details. the threads in the fabric. the wind sifting through my eyelashes. the laugh of my little sister. the percussion of a rainy day. it's okay to be afraid of dying… as long as you aren't afraid to live. go fall in love… fall down… they both are of equal importance and magnitude. trust me. the thing you should be the most afraid of… is not being afraid.

-alexander michael

music.

i have been thinking about the heavy irony found inside songs and music itself. music is not just a sound, nor a melody. it is not just something produced from the hands and mouths of us beings. it is something much more magical and widespread than that. like it or not… we are all engulfed. music has swallowed the entire human race whole. it is the one thing we all have in common. through war, through peace, and whatever niches are found in between… it is far more encompassing than even I can truly comprehend. music is a chameleon. changing colors and identities. following what it needs to and lending itself to any precise or given moment… yet deep down always remaining the same at it’s organic base. music is created by us… yet music can, in return, create us as well. it can change how we look at the world. it can help mold and shape us as people and gorgeously reckless minds. we are all true testaments of that. what an insane and beautiful cycle that will never end. in many ways we create and live off of each other. this symbiotic relationship is what keeps the worlds of many spinning. let’s look at all that music can do. I’ve seen it take more shapes, forms, and dimensions than i could ever find the time to count. music can be a blanket. when your bones are shaking and teeth are chattering… you can lay it over you for warmth. when you feel like your sky is cracking and the entire world is running from as you are drowning music can save your life. we have all experienced it. the song that makes you believe again. that makes you believe that your night that has lasted weeks or months will and can be pleasantly interrupted by an audible beam of sunlight. music can be your hero… your life vest… your savior. however…music can also be the flames of hell. it can be a painful reminder of all of the things you did or didn’t do. it can yank the past out of the ground and back from the dead and seat it right next to you as it whispers the cold truth into your ear through your speakers or headphones. music can be our ghosts that will forever haunt us. the ghosts, regrets, and mistakes that seem closer to us at times than our dearest of friends. music can be a knife to the back, a slap to the face, a stream of tears down your cheek. but also the feeling of rebirth, growth, and liberation. songs can make you want to fall in love, smile, and feel like you’re flying all at once. the unmatched beauty of it can make you love, hate, dance, sleep, believe, miss, hope, and feel practically any other possible feeling one can possibly feel. these feelings such as life, love, and pain are all necessities of not just life… but the proof of it. music can be your fantasy. the land and lives you’ve always dreamed of living through. the people you search for and the places you hope to one day feel underneath your feet. incredible how something can be your reality and fantasy all at the same time, right? music has been my sunshine, my mars, and at times my one and only friend. music is ironically both the medicine and the pain… both the loss and the gain. music has broken me down… made me feel both strong and weak at the same time… woken me up… put me to sleep for days. you see… music seems to do and be everything and anything except just music itself. music is never just music. to exist… it simply cannot be. music would have never survived as just music. in order for the songs to live on… they have to take on a life of their own… whether for the better or for the worse. ironic how something so simple, yet intricate can be so many things to so many people… yet can simply be too busy and carry too much weight to have the time or energy to simply just be itself.

-alexander

a love letter i never sent

just found this. wow. really letting you guys in on this one. she really was amazing. it just never made it into her hands or eyes. not sure why. hope to find this again soon… here is a piece of it (and me):

“last night… i wasn’t just running my fingers through your hair… I was running my fingers through strands of proof. proof of life. of living. of living in the name of captivation. as you are my reason and excuse for both. every breath you take is another reason for me to fight. i blink less when i’m around you. my eyelids are in a constant battle with what’s underneath as i cannot stop sending you examples of pure admiration. every millisecond spent closing my eyes during a blink is one millisecond wasted as i could have spent them directing them towards you. do i love you? i’m not sure. it is possible. if I do… it is by far just a fraction of what truly goes through whatever is beneath my skin and skull. i’m not sure the word “love” truly wraps itself around the speed of my heart when you laugh or leave a lipstick stain on my forehead. words are invented constantly and I do not believe i have found one that is quite worth your name or the feelings you provoke. I guess I’ll keep searching…but for now… i guess love will have to do. because with you… the world doesn’t spin… it dances. it’s remarkable to watch. sometimes i just like to sit back in a dark corner and watch. not only watch you… but to watch how much more beautiful the world gets when it’s around you. it’s amazing how much light can be seen from a dark corner. the leaves don’t fall to the ground… the ground rises to them. the night isn’t a dark sky with stars… it’s a golden glow with dark spaces in between. you are not only the need to breathe… but the want to breathe. the absolute craving for more time… yes, i know one day my heart will stop…. but my love for you will not. so just know that as long as the world is dancing… whether i’m walking next to you in it or not… you are being held. constantly. unconditionally. endlessly.”

-alexander michael

"superhero"

when i was a little boy, i wanted to fly. wanted to look down at this city, with my back pressed against the sky. when i was a little boy,  i wore a cape, in hopes that someday i would save the world and that you all would know my name.

but the years they passed, and still i felt so small... didn't have a dollar to my name, no i never grew too tall. i had no "s" across my chest and i never learned to fight... but that's alright, yeah that's alright

because maybe the human heart is just as strong as steel, maybe a superpower is not to fly, but just the ability to feel. capes may tear and armor rusts, they'll never be as strong as love. i guess after years of trying to fly, only to fall... maybe that little boy can still be a superhero afterall.

-alexander michael deleon

colour.

may your knuckles be as red as roses,

may blue always be your skies.

and even when your hair turns to gray,

may your flag never be white.

may you always see the color,

even in the dark of night.

yeah, if this life is just a canvas...

watch me paint it with my eyes.

-alexander michael deleon