8/7/15
Things have gotten very serious very quickly. I haven’t written for a while – mainly because I haven’t got access to a computer at mine and Toms house. Last Thursday I wanted to die. I did not want to be here anymore. I did not want be be around feeling like this. I hate myself. i need a time out, a break from being in my own head. I can see why it was so easy to turn to drugs at uni because it did give me that break. I can see why I drink so much because it gives me that break. I can see why I crave opiates. You guessed it, because it gives me that break.
I had a complete breakdown. It was scary and it frightened me. I couldn’t control myself; I cried and cried and cried. I wanted to tear things apart, rip my hair out, lash out and anything and anyone. Tom didn’t know what to do so I told him to leave me alone. Then I realised I couldn’t be on my own so I rang my mum. She asked me how bad it was. It was bad. She cried. Then she rang 111 to ask for help. Tom rang the crisis team. Mum came round. No one knew what to do. I was crying and sweating and I couldn’t talk to anyone on the phone. She put a cold towel around my neck and passed the phone for me to speak to the crisis team. This guy’s name was Eddie and I swear he was the worst person in the world to speak to. He was telling me how to breathe. He didn’t understand the depth of how I was feeling. He called me oversensitive and told me that ‘he thought he was grown up at 22 as well’. I will scan a copy of the notes I was making as he was talking soon. It was unbelievable. He didn’t let me get a word in edgeways – he was literally talking AT me for over an hour. He did nothing to calm me down; the only thing that calmed me down was time.
Mum wanted me admitted to our local mental health hospital. She wanted to take me so I could talk to someone. She told me not to worry about work and tom promised me they wouldn’t leave me there.
I think I wanted to be admitted at that point. The thought of doing nothing for myself and having someone constantly watching and making sure I was okay. I could cry anytime I wanted or be okay any time I wanted. No hiding, no masks. No one to answer to and a restricted healthy diet. It sounds so lovely. But then there’s the stigma or being admitted to a mental hospital. Theres telling work after already having so much time off (I had 4 weeks off in may due to stomach problems from Bulimia. Admitted to hospital for 3 days – also had absolute breakdown and was the worst hospital stay ive ever had.)
I feel full. I feel like a failure and I feel FAT. FAT FAT FAT. And that is one thing I cant talk to anyone about because no one would ever ever agree with me. I feel chubby. I feel wobbly and out of control. I could eat and eat and never stop. I really really am trying to stop purging. I really am. More than I ever have done before. I don’t want to keep doing it. I don’t want to feel bloated and swollen anymore. I don’t want my face to keep swelling and I don’t want me double chin to keep swelling. I want to lose around 11lb and I just cant get myself motivated to do it. I started running at home but I lost NOTHING. When I came out of hospital I had gained around 6lb which I couldn’t wrap my head around as I had barely eaten anything whatsoever. But it turned out to all be water weight from fluids. I lost that weight but Ive come to a standstill in weight.
My councellor Kevin has now moved which was a huge shock as he was actually helping. I suppose hes given me a basline to concentrate on and it was too expensive anyway.
The fact I still don’t drive is a lot of pressure and I think about it every single day. I cant afford it. Not one bit.
Ive gained a lot of weight since I first met Tom a few years ago. I sometimes feel like he preferred me back then. Maybe that’s just the message Ty has left stuck with me as he told me that once. I still love you, im just not IN love with you anymore.
So yesterday my psychiatrist took me seriously. For the first time. I told her how low I have been since around April time. I think she is leaning more towards manic depressive now. Bipolar. With BPD these episodes don’t last this long. They are up down up down constantly and can change numerous times in a day. I don’t feel like that now. I feel low, demotivated and pathetic. I told her I can’t stop eating and all I want to do is sleep. I don’t know what happened or what triggered this low, I feel useless and unattractive. I don’t get attention from men anymore – not that I feel like I need it, but ive noticed its disappeared. I don’t feel like me, I feel like im someone else. I feel trapped. Its so hard to deal with problems in your own head when you cant escape. At least with physical problems you can sometimes take painkillers to ease it. It doeasnt feel like anything eases this trapped feeling. I want to feel empty and free. I understand that its hard for ANYONE to feel like that. But I really am desperate.
Dr wood, my psychiatrist has put me on Prozac for 4 weeks to see how it goes. I have seen a lot about weight gain so I am looking into strong appetite suppressants (mainly one called Phen375) as I refuse to gain any more weight. I am awaiting a call back from her to see if I can get any prescribed as this will just add to the Bulimia which will begin the cycle again.
Im frightened that Prozac will flatline me. When I was with Ty I couldn’t work myself up to anything. My sex drive was nil. My passion for ANYTHING disappeared. I didn’t even have the motivation to argue. He used to say at least when I was up and down he got some reaction and emotion out of me. I don’t want that to happen with Tom. I love Tom.
I have also been abusing codeine again. Nothing serious, not every day. I have it under control and I do not take enough to get withdrawal. For now anyway, im hoping this holds off. Toms sort of on my case anyway.
Im paranoid. I’m doing so well at work, when I had my appraisal my manager told me I was the favourite – even with all my time off. She called me her ‘go-to girl’ and that my figures were outstanding over the rest. Jshe told me I have nothing to worry about and that I should go home and open a bottle of wine. And now I feel like that’s changed. Maybe its that I need constant approval and praise – maybe im still doing well but just haven’t been told in a while. I don’t know. But I know ive slacked off a bit since so I need to get my head back in the game. She has told me that if ever she thought It was affecting my work, she would tell me. And that hasn’t happened. So I cant be doing that bad.
I went swimming last night which I feel good about and I really feel determined to shift some of this weight. The appetite suppressants I have been looking at are not diet pills and can be used with other medication which cause appetite increase. It flat lines it to hit a neutral base.
