One week ago, I was sexually abused by a man I loved that I met for the first time. And I’m not dealing with it well.
I don’t know where to start. I don’t know why I’m making this post. I don’t know how to feel because every feeling, piece of life, feeling of safety, confidence, and everything has been stripped from me.
I don’t want to get into deep details of my experience. I don’t want to tell a play by play. But I was talking to a guy for 4 months off of Grindr before I met him. I was apprehensive about meeting him because I was afraid he’d ghost like most guys I go out with - because this guy was special to me. He made my days worthwhile. He was always there and he listened to my problems. He knew I was insecure, vulnerable, and weak. He basically forced me to get my emotions involved with him. And I did. I genuinely fell in love with him. But my gut told me not to.
I decided to meet him one week ago because I didn’t want to lose him by not meeting him irl. I met him at my best friend’s house. He came in and within 5 minutes he was grabbing me and getting sexual. He was muscular and strong so I couldn’t push away. My clothes were ripped off and I experienced the most violent and painful sex I’ve ever had. There were points I absolutely felt like I was going to pass out and honestly if it wasn’t my best friend’s house I think he would’ve killed me. And now he’s gone. He texted me for a few days and now he won’t even give me clarity as to why he did what he did.
I’m in so much pain from it. My tailbone hurts more and more every day, and I’m going to have to go to the orthopedic doctor. My mental state is gone.
I wished there was a positive takeaway from this but there’s not. I have no one to talk to about this. I don’t know how to cope or deal with the feeling of being worthless.
My URL is changed because I’m afraid he’s looking at my socials. I feel the lowest I’ve felt in my life.
